During the honeymoon, everything is so wonderful because you are not dealing with a lot of disappointments. You can be open and intimate with a high degree of trust. So on the scale of openness, intimacy, and trusts, you could say that 100% is available to you. But every entry put in the file displaced the possibility of 100% openness, intimacy, and trust. Think of it like a glass of water that fills to the brim. The water represents openness, intimacy, and trust. If we start pouring sand into the glass, where the sand represents the undelivered communication, then it is evident that the water will soon start spilling out.
So one day you have 100% openness, intimacy, trust, and you feel wonderful about the other person. But before you know it, you are down to 90%. 90% isn't all that bad, but it does not feel quite as good as 100%. You are not quite as eager to be open with the other person, but it is not too bad.
However, the sand keeps going into the glass, the disappointments keep going into the file, and now you're down to 80% on the scale of openness, intimacy, and trust. You are starting to suffer a bit. It is getting harder and harder to be with the other person to talk openly and honestly. You start avoiding, maybe being a bit sarcastic, but you continue on.
You can see where this is going. Eventually you get to the point where you will not put up with it any further. This is when your mind starts playing very interesting games with us. As the file gets bigger and bigger you lose all sense of the responsibility, and you become convinced that the source of your increasing distrust really is the other person.
Recreating Trust Series
Learning how to create and recreate trust is the most critical step to being intimately connected with others. This is one part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it. And, by the way, if you’ve been in a relationship romantically or non-romantically for longer than two months, then you're probably inadvertently experiencing breakdown.
part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it.
- Part 1—The Honeymooon
- Part 2—The Letdown
- Part 3—Storing Our Resentments
- Part 4—File Emptying
- Part 5—Take an Inventory
- Part 6—Expressing the File and Listening
[jbox color="blue" vgradient="#fdfeff|#bae3ff" title="Complimentary Relationship Rescue Coaching Session"]If you are ready to make a shift in your relationships and want help developing a game plan, I offer a complimentary 60-minute Relationship Rescue coaching session. There's no obligation; I love doing these and hope you'll get in touch.