Dancing to the Same Rhythm: Leadership Through Understanding, Empathy, & Influence

When it comes to achieving something truly significant in our complex and interconnected world, it's all about the relationships we build with others. No one can expect to reach the height of success all on their own. That's where the power of human cooperation comes into play – it's a beautiful dance of collaboration, teamwork, and shared ambition.

The Evolution of Leadership

Have you ever noticed those people who have that natural charm? They have this innate ability to inspire others and rally them behind a cause. Their presence alone creates this magnetic force that captures people's attention, persuades the undecided, and even turns opponents into allies. It's pretty amazing to witness.

Fred Rogers, more famously known as Mr. Rogers from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" wasn't your typical business mogul or tech pioneer, but this man sure knew how to draw people in. Fred had a way of talking - whether it was to children or adults - that made you feel like you were the most important person in the world.

He had a knack for understanding and communicating, which is an integral part of leadership and persuasion. He didn't use any fancy jargon or executive power moves. He used genuine care, empathy, and respect to connect with people.

One thing that stands out about his approach is that he believed in the power of learning from others. He once said, "The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self." That means he was all about authenticity and about learning from everyone around him. In his neighborhood, every person, every idea, every story had value. Persuasion doesn't always have to be about being the loudest voice in the room; sometimes, it's about being the most understanding one.

Back in the day, bosses used to get things done by simply pulling the authority card. They'd flex their big titles, expecting everyone to toe the line just because they were the top dog in the company. It was all about who sat in the corner office and who didn't. 

Today, we're living in a different world. We have cross-functional teams, joint ventures, and all kinds of partnerships that have shaken up the corporate ladder. Everyone's playing on the same field now, and the lines between who is the boss and who's not have gotten a whole lot fuzzier.

You can't just walk in with your fancy title and expect everyone to fall in line. It's just not going to fly. People want to feel valued, heard, and respected. 

The old "do as I say because I'm the boss" routine is seen as pretty demeaning these days. Instead, it's all about collaboration and teamwork. It's about understanding that great ideas can come from anywhere, not just from the folks in the boardroom. This new way of doing things means leaders need more than just a big title to earn respect and get things done - they need to be genuinely open, engaging, and, most importantly, persuasive. 

The Science of Persuasion & The Role of Empathy

The name of the game now is soft skills, things like persuasion and influence. It's all about winning hearts and minds and getting folks to see things your way. Robert Cialdini, who wrote the book—literally—on the science of persuasion, called "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion," and it's all about understanding how to get people on board with your ideas. Cialdini came up with six principles of persuasion: reciprocity, scarcity, authority, consistency, liking, and consensus. 

At its core, persuasion is all about understanding human behavior and what drives us to do the things we do. We tend to return favors (reciprocity), want more of things there are less of (scarcity), follow people who seem like they know what they're doing (authority), stick with what we've been doing before (consistency), say yes to people we like (liking), and do what the crowd is doing (consensus). These principles aren't just high-brow theories, they're grounded in our everyday human experiences. Mastering them isn't just a good idea for any leader - it's essential for making an impact and is an art form worth learning.

One of the most potent tools in the persuasion arsenal, as emphasized by Cialdini and other researchers, is the practice of understanding and empathizing with others. The simple act of getting someone and genuinely relating to their experiences can go a long way in winning them over. You might think back to a time when someone totally got you. They really dug into your experiences, felt your feelings, and didn't judge or make it about them. Likely you felt safe and heard, and that made you more open to what that person had to say or suggest. That is the power of understanding and empathy. It's not just some coach's ramblings - it's a proven and powerful tool that can help us win hearts and sway minds. 

When I was in high school, I had a teacher named Mr. Walch. Mr. Walch wasn't your run-of-the-mill teacher. No, he was something special. He listened, I mean, really listened. I had dreams of standing in the spotlight on Broadway or being in a blockbuster movie. He didn't brush them off as teenage fantasies. No, he gave them a nod, lent his support, and treated me as if my dreams were possible. And it wasn't just talk; you could see in his eyes that he genuinely believed in me. Because of that, he didn't just teach us how to act; he also shaped how we saw the world and ourselves. He showed me, and many others, how powerful it can be when someone truly understands you and believes in your dreams and aspirations. That kind of understanding sticks with you and shapes your life in ways you couldn't imagine. 

Let's switch gears a bit and dive into the science behind all this. When we feel understood, when we feel truly seen and respected by someone, it creates this beautiful sense of safety. And that safety is like a magic key, opening doors to cooperation and collaboration. Our need for social connection, this craving for validation, it's etched into our very biology. 

The amygdala, nestled in the center of our 'mammalian brain' is like a social radar, picking up cues from others and helping us react. It's part of a larger network called the limbic system, which - and here's the kicker - operates as an open-loop system. This means that our amygdala brains are counting on others to help regulate our moods and physical states.

Without social interaction, we're in for a world of hurt. We saw this firsthand during those bleak lockdown months in 2020 and 2021 - people isolated from their social circles, suffering physically and mentally.

So, if we want to get others on board with our vision, if we want to inspire and motivate, we have to break into that open-loop system. And how do we do that? By creating an atmosphere of safety and trust, showing genuine understanding and care. When people feel seen, heard and known, when they feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their walls and become more open to influence. That is where the magic happens.

Leadership is not about taking the stage solo. Instead, it's about engaging in a well-coordinated dance with the team members, just like a skilled dancer would with their partner on the dance floor. If you've ever watched a couple dancing, you know that it's not just about the mechanical execution of steps. It's about harmony, flow, rhythm, and a shared understanding. The leader, much like the leading dancer, doesn't just decide on a whim to swing their partner around. That would not only be jarring but could even feel aggressive or off-putting.

Imagine walking onto the dance floor, not knowing your partner or the tune. If you immediately tried to execute fast twirls, your partner would likely be confused, or worse, stumble. A good dancer knows the value of understanding their partner's style and rhythm before attempting to guide the dance. They take a moment to listen to the music, feel the rhythm, look into their partner's eyes, and sense their energy. They try to establish a mutual rhythm, a common beat that allows for the dance to flow smoothly.

That's precisely how effective leadership works. Before jumping into assigning tasks or pushing for results, great leaders take the time to understand their team. They listen to their concerns, learn their strengths, appreciate their aspirations, and respect their ideas. Once this rapport is built, the leader and the team are in sync, like dance partners moving gracefully across the floor. The leader can now guide and influence, with the confidence that the team trusts them and is ready to follow their lead. Each step taken together is seamless, each decision made together feels natural. There's a flow to the work, and everyone moves to the same rhythm.

Understanding, Mindfulness, and Empathy

In the quest to establish rapport and create a harmonious work environment, it's important to clarify one point: you don't need to know the ins and outs of a person's life history. We're not aiming for a deep psychoanalytical understanding of everyone on the team. Instead, the kind of understanding that's needed here is more in tune with the principles of mindfulness.

When we think about mindfulness, we often imagine meditation sessions, serene environments, and a sense of inner peace. While all these are indeed facets of mindfulness, at its core, mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment. It's about paying attention intentionally, non-judgmentally, and with an open and curious mind. It's a simple yet powerful practice that can transform not just individual lives but also the way teams function in a workplace.

When it comes to leadership, think of mindfulness as a superpower. As a mindful leader, you approach every interaction with your team with a spirit of openness and curiosity. You're not just hearing words; you're actively listening, seeking to understand the context, the emotions, and the unspoken thoughts that lie beneath the surface.

Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, you're asking questions, you're showing genuine interest, and you're valuing the other person's perspective. This is not about prying into personal matters or micromanaging. It's about giving your full attention, showing empathy, and validating their experiences and ideas.

And guess what happens when people feel seen and heard in this way? They begin to trust. They feel safer to voice their ideas, share their concerns, and contribute their best efforts. They're more likely to buy into your vision and follow your lead.

But there's more. Mindfulness is not a one-way street. As you cultivate this open, curious, and compassionate attention towards your team, you're also fostering self-awareness. You become more attuned to your own thought patterns, emotions, and biases. You can better regulate your responses and make more thoughtful, empathetic decisions. In other words, you become a more effective, inspiring leader.

This method of attentive interaction and understanding becomes a springboard for empathy, a critical leadership skill that's often misunderstood or underrated. The term 'empathy' finds its roots in the Greek language, with '-em' denoting 'in' and 'pathos' representing 'feeling.' When we break it down, empathy is essentially about stepping into another person's shoes, feeling their experiences as if they were our own.

Empathy doesn't mean losing ourselves in another person's experience or being swept away by their emotions. It's not about taking on their feelings as our own, but understanding and respecting their unique perspective. It's like stepping into their world while staying firmly grounded in our own. In this way, we keep our emotional boundaries intact even as we widen our understanding of the diverse experiences and emotions around us.

When we empathize, something extraordinary happens. Our sense of self starts to expand, growing beyond the boundaries of our own individual experiences to include others. It's as if our world gets a little bit larger, a little bit richer with every empathetic connection we make. Empathy allows us to transcend the limits of our personal perspective and embrace a broader, more inclusive understanding of the world.

And what does this mean in the context of leadership? When we genuinely empathize with our team members, we're not just validating their experiences—we're also signaling to them that they are seen, heard, and valued. We're building trust and strengthening our relationship with them, which naturally paves the way for better cooperation and collaboration. We're creating a shared understanding, a shared rhythm that allows us to work together more harmoniously and effectively.

More importantly, as we cultivate empathy, we're also developing our own capacity for influence. After all, influence is not about imposing our will on others; it's about understanding their needs and concerns, aligning our goals with theirs, and inspiring them to join us in our journey.

The beauty of empathy goes beyond forging connections. It creates a powerful sense of shared purpose that becomes the bedrock for collaboration. When people feel understood and valued, they're not just more willing to collaborate—they're more likely to bring their full selves to the table, contributing their ideas, their creativity, and their energy towards achieving common goals.

When we're all moving to the same beat, when we're all tuned into the same rhythm, we can co-create something that's far greater than the sum of its parts. We can transcend our individual limitations and achieve extraordinary things together. But establishing this shared rhythm doesn't just happen overnight. It requires us, as leaders, to invest time and effort in understanding our team members, empathizing with their experiences, and validating their perspectives. It demands that we cultivate a leadership style that values inclusivity, promotes dialogue, and encourages mutual respect. It calls for us to embody empathy, not just as a personal trait, but as a leadership philosophy.

Summary:

• Leadership is less about authority, more about empathy and understanding.

• Successful influence is grounded in authenticity, rapport, and shared purpose.

• In a harmonious team, everyone dances to the same rhythm.

Embracing Discomfort: The Key to Overcoming Negative Emotions

It's no secret that dealing with negative emotions like anxiety, sadness, and anger is a challenge every individual faces. Yet, the more we resist these emotions, the more they persist. This seemingly counterintuitive idea, "What you resist persists," holds immense value in understanding our emotional well-being and personal growth.

This expression is often attributed to Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung, who was a pioneer in the field of analytical psychology. Jung believed that suppression and avoidance of negative emotions or thoughts could lead to a more significant presence and influence of these aspects in a person's life. This idea is based on the notion that resisting or avoiding emotions or experiences tends to keep them alive in the subconscious, while confronting and processing them allows for growth and healing.

Picture this: You're going about your day when suddenly, a wave of anxiety washes over you. Your instinct might be to label this feeling as an annoyance or error, desperately trying to push it away, hoping it will magically vanish. However, resisting your emotions can often lead to them finding other outlets in the form of distractions or addictions. You may turn to substance abuse, overeating, or excessive social media use to escape the discomfort, only to discover that this short-term relief exacerbates the problem in the long run.

In our exploration of embracing discomfort, let's look at Sarah's story, which serves as a prime example of how facing negative emotions can lead to transformative change. Before Sarah reached out for help, her life revolved around socializing with friends or family on weekends, often involving alcohol or even Adderall. Mornings would start with her checking her phone immediately upon waking up, followed by a coffee and 30-45 minutes of procrastination, dreading the day ahead. Evenings were typically spent unwinding in front of the TV, sometimes late into the night, leading to a late wake-up the following day. Sarah realized that she relied on drinking, stimulants, her phone, and TV as coping mechanisms and wanted to change her habits to be more present and face challenges head-on, ultimately reducing her anxiety. Sarah's attempts to overcome her addictions through sheer willpower or force of habit frequently prove unsuccessful.

Sarah began transforming her life by acknowledging her reliance on these coping mechanisms. Instead of turning to distractions, she started meditation with and journaling on her anxiety. Over time, she learned to be with her emotions and listen to their hidden messages. By developing her emotional resilience, Sarah began to experience a sense of peace and presence in her life that she’d never known, allowing her to make more intentional choices and live a more fulfilling, balanced life.

It's essential to recognize that none of us are unique in our desire to avoid discomfort. This innate human tendency is deeply rooted in our survival instincts, which have historically guided us to avoid pain and seek pleasure. However, this instinctual response might not always serve our best interests in today's world, as it prevents us from confronting and working through our negative emotions. We can grow and flourish by making choices informed by the bigger picture instead of just our pain.

So, how do we overcome these stuck emotions? The key is learning to sit with our discomfort and face it head-on. By changing our perception of anxiety and other negative feelings, we can acknowledge them as integral parts of our human experience, capable of teaching us valuable lessons about ourselves and our lives. Instead of viewing them as mere annoyances to be pushed away, we can welcome them as guides on our journey to self-awareness and growth.

This transformative work requires us to acclimate ourselves to discomfort. Rather than running from our emotions or seeking distractions, we must learn to embrace them as natural aspects of life. Doing so enables us to recognize and address the underlying reasons behind our feelings, empowering us to tackle the root causes rather than merely the symptoms.

Developing emotional resilience is a journey that takes time and practice. But as we learn to face our emotions without fear or resistance, we can begin to dismantle the barriers that have kept us stuck in unhealthy patterns. This newfound understanding fosters a sense of acceptance, allowing our negative emotions to flow through us and dissipate naturally instead of persisting due to our resistance.

Imagine a life where you no longer fear your emotions but rather acknowledge them as valuable teachers guiding you on your path to growth. By facing your emotions head-on and embracing the discomfort they bring, you'll learn to sit with your feelings without resistance. This emotional resilience will empower you to overcome addictions and distractions, ultimately leading to a happier, more fulfilled life.

Sarah's story is a testament to the power of confronting our emotions and cultivating emotional resilience. Like Sarah, you too can embark on this transformative journey by recognizing the unhealthy patterns in your life, embracing discomfort, and developing strategies to manage your emotions effectively. As you grow and evolve, you'll notice a profound shift in your well-being, with a newfound sense of presence and balance guiding your choices and actions.

Facing Our Demons

When we experience danger or threats, it's normal to suppress or ignore our emotions to protect ourselves and react effectively. However, if we don't process these emotions properly, they can harm our mental and emotional health and can negatively impact our relationships. Emotions can get stuck in the system, building up over time and interfering with our ability to live healthy and satisfying lives.

John came to our meeting and told me that he had a tough time dealing with the memories from his recent visit to see his dad. He said he was struggling to process them and had been trying to push them away for a few weeks. He described it as like gritting his teeth and just trying to power through. And on top of all that, he was carrying around this sense of impending doom

Unfortunately, it wasn't a great experience for John. While he was there, John saw his dad drinking a lot of whiskey and using abusive language toward his partner. This understandably left John feeling pretty upset and on edge. He'd been trying to shake off the memories, but the one that kept haunting him was the smell of booze and vomit. He'd tried, but he just couldn't shake off that smell. It'd been haunting him the last few weeks.

Emovere

The word "emotion" comes from the Latin word "emovere," which means "to move out." This makes sense when you think about it - emotions are meant to be felt and expressed, not bottled up inside. When we acknowledge and give our emotions the space they need to flow through us, we allow them to move out rather than getting stuck and causing us harm in the long run.

To better understand and take care of our emotions, it's important to confront and acknowledge them rather than ignore or suppress them. When we push our emotions down, they can become stuck and potentially cause harm over time. But when we process and release them, we can resolve what was previously stuck and allow our emotions to flow through us. When our emotions are no longer suppressed or ignored, we can make choices that align with our values and goals, rather than being driven by unprocessed emotions. This can lead to a greater sense of clarity, purpose, and the ability to act in ways that benefit ourselves and others.

Focusing on the Felt Sense

I began our meeting with John by having him focus on his breathing and the physical sensations in his chest and belly to anchor him in the present moment. Then I asked him to revisit the memory of his recent visit with his father and to pay attention to both the memory and the sensations and emotions he was experiencing. By moving back and forth between the memory and the present, John could observe and become more aware of his thoughts and feelings.

His first response was, "It feels icky. I want to pull away from him. I can still smell the scent of puke and alcohol."

I encouraged John to stay with the smell and to notice how his mind and body rejected the experience. As he took in the smells, memories of his father's incoherent, moaned speech started flooding in. Then John named that he was starting to feel frozen, almost like fear.

Our bodies remember past traumatic experiences, and they trigger the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, even if there isn't an immediate threat. They still react as if there is. This is because the brain has learned that this response was helpful in the past. During the freeze response, we may feel numb, or like we can't move. This defense mechanism is designed to protect us from danger by shutting down and avoiding any actions that might put us in harm's way.

Acknowledging the Parts

Our inner selves are made up of multiple "parts," each with its own unique thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When we acknowledge and validate these parts, we can better understand our inner experiences. By empathizing with them and creating a safe space for them to express themselves, we can decrease the intensity of our emotions.

I encouraged John to place a hand on his heart and the other on the lower belly, right below the belly button, to make contact and comfort the part inside that feels frozen by the memory.

Placing a hand on one's heart and belly can have a calming effect on the nervous system, as it promotes the release of hormones that contribute to feelings of well-being and comfort. This physical connection with the body can facilitate the processing of overwhelming emotions.

I then suggested to John, "Perhaps you could let that scared part know that you know it's scared, that you see it, and you promise not to ignore its concerns."

After a long pause, John said, "I felt that part inside, not just scared but angry with me for not taking care of him. And then I said I was sorry. I tried to let it know that I would not ignore it again, but that just made it worse. So then I just said that I was sorry, and I think it forgave me."

Self-Compassion

Acknowledging and validating our inner parts requires a gentle approach that many of us have not yet learned to cultivate. We've often been taught to push away or dismiss our feelings and thoughts rather than really understand and validate them. And in most cultures, personal feelings are not given much importance, which can lead individuals to ignore their emotions and thoughts altogether. But if we can learn to be present with our thoughts and feelings without judging them, we can develop greater self-compassion.

Self-compassion is all about treating ourselves with the same level of kindness and understanding that we would extend to others. When we're self-compassionate, we can accept ourselves, flaws and all, without any harsh judgment or criticism. This can help us feel more connected, stronger, and more emotionally stable, and it can also help reduce our levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.

So I asked John to check back in to see how this scared part inside was doing now that it wasn't so mad at him.

John shared this really interesting visual he had in his mind. He talked about how he pictured himself holding the hand of this scared part of himself and moving it away from his father while he himself moved toward his dad. It was like he was finally able to see his father's sickness and the impact that addiction was having on him. This shift in perspective helped John see his dad's addiction as something separate, like a disease causing harm not just to their relationship but to his dad's overall well-being.

Then John said, "I can see my dad is just sick, and his sickness is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to protect myself from the negative effects of my father's addiction. I can see his hatred, but when I am there, and not that part inside that's so angry, it's still sad, but I don't feel responsible for it."

John realized something really important here. He could see that his father's addiction was an illness and not something that he himself had caused or could fix. And with this perspective, John was able to prioritize his own well-being while still wanting the best for his father.

"I have this feeling that I can wish my dad peace, for him to be serene and let it go. I'm not holding on to his pain. I can let it go."

I asked him how this wish for his dad felt.

"It feels new. I am used to expecting or anticipating the next drama, but I feel relaxed and neutral. I am so used to not wanting dad to be this way, but I can see that it's not so personal."

John's story shows how powerful it can be to give ourselves the time and space to process our emotions in a nonjudgmental way. He turned things around from being really overwhelmed and anxious to accepting and understanding himself and his father's illness. It wasn't easy, but by tuning in to his emotions and not pushing them away, he was able to move through the fear and anger and start on a path toward healing.

It's really important to pay attention to our emotions because they can have a big impact on how we feel overall and how we experience life. Giving ourselves the time and space actually to feel our feelings and understand what they are can help us process them in a healthy way. It might take some patience and practice, but with time we can develop a better relationship with what we feel and learn to see what they're trying to show us. Often when we acknowledge what we think and feel, the intensity of the emotion tends to settle down.

The Costs of Withholding Truth

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where something is bothering you, and you have the urge to say it but hesitate because you anticipate a negative reaction from the other person? We don't want to deal with their response because it may be overwhelming and could cause more conflict or discomfort. We can all be conflict-averse. So instead, we decide to stop speaking up. We start holding our tongues and ignoring our own needs. We know it isn't healthy, but the alternative seems impossible.

Michael has been married to Louise for three years. He never wanted to be married to her in the first place. Before they did so, he would voice his misgivings, but Louise would always fall into despair. He eventually stopped sharing his concerns and consented to marry her because the guilt and shame became too overwhelming.

Even today, whenever he considers sharing any reservations or upsets, guilt and shame immediately take over, stopping him from saying anything. Not telling the truth is eating away at Michael's confidence. He fears he'll always be stuck in that relationship, without choice or his voice.

Sometimes we must find the courage to tell someone the uncomfortable truth despite how much it may hurt them. Being honest is one of the essential components of any healthy relationship dynamic – without it, any sense of trust or emotional closeness between both parties will corrode over time. Being dishonest with ourselves and others can lead to anxiety, guilt, shame and insecurity.

Telling the truth can be difficult for many reasons, even if it serves a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. For example, Michael has stayed in his marriage to Louise out of fear that voicing his true feelings may cause her to become too distraught. A fear like this can make us feel like we have no choice but to keep our concerns unaddressed and remain in an unfavorable situation. 

Additionally, when trying to express difficult truths, there are practical barriers such as feeling overwhelmed by words, not knowing how to start a conversation or gaining the courage to speak up. On top of these worries, there are also certain emotions tied with telling the truth, such as guilt which can further impede any progress towards expressing our true thoughts and feelings. 

Finding Our Clarity

Speaking up after having withheld our truth can be difficult, as emotions can often be overwhelming. This feeling of damming up can make it difficult to express our thoughts and feelings clearly and rationally. The fear of unloading our emotions, which have been so tightly held for so long, is daunting. We often feel like we cannot control the raw emotion that follows when we finally open up to someone. It's an intimidating process.

When we prevent ourselves from communicating our true feelings, it can become difficult to see the situation objectively. Our blocked emotions cloud our judgment and create a sense of hopelessness that makes us doubt the chances of finding a solution. We view the other person in an unfavorable light, failing to recognize the human component that intrinsically exists in all relationships.

When we put our feelings on the back burner, it can be difficult to see the entire issue. Taking time to acknowledge the backlog of emotions is key to regaining clarity and objectivity. We might do this in meditation, journaling or dialogue with a friend or guide. Approaching our feelings with understanding and kindness can feel counterintuitive, particularly if we're inclined towards relying on shame and guilt to hold our feelings back. 

Additionally, it is important to sort through the impact our past experiences and traumas might have on our present relationships and work through those issues healthily and honestly rather than allowing them to dictate or harm one's current relationships. We might explore how our emotional reactivity might be related to events from our past. It can help to gain perspective by uncovering patterns that we could not see before.

Finding Courage

Before Michael ever had the conversation with Louise, he'd need to find his courage. We can be assured that the other person will react in hurt and dismay whenever we commit to telling the truth after holding it back for a long time. They might be angered. We don't know their reaction. We can be sure, though, that there will be upset feelings.

It can help to acknowledge the critical parts that doubt that anything good would come of telling the truth. It's easy to sink into a cynical point of view regarding honest communication. Our past experiences with one another convince us that nothing good could come out of open dialogue, so we keep our feelings hidden. But while this may seem like the safest option, it can often lead to a disconnect between individuals. This severing of ties diminishes the level of connection and understanding in the relationship, leaving both sides feeling isolated and unable to move forward. 

Not only do we have to acknowledge the cynical parts, but we want to acknowledge the scared ones, too. Telling the truth can be daunting. We never know how the other person will respond. When we withhold our honest thoughts and feelings, we avoid pain, but we step right into it when we tell the truth. To be courageous, we willingly step into and embrace uncertainty. By learning to accept the unknown instead of shying away, we can become more courageous in the face of uncertainty and find ways to overcome difficult situations.

Small steps are key to building courage, allowing us to explore our potential at our own pace. We can gradually develop more confidence in speaking up and expressing ourselves instead of hiding our thoughts and feelings. Over time, these small steps will help us prepare for the "big conversation" and the uncertainty that may come with it.

Clarifying Your Intentions

Sometimes, it's not just cynicism and fear that hold us back, but it can also be a lack of clarity about what we want. We need to better understand what we want from the conversation. What is our desired outcome? In many cases, we may think our desired outcome is clear-cut and not particularly complex. However, upon closer examination, it is often the case that our goals are more nuanced. 

For example, when considering a conversation between Michael and Louise, Michael may think the discussion is about separating. Still, on deeper introspection, it could very well be that his goal is far more nuanced. It could be that he wishes to find ways of speaking about topics that are off-limits in the relationship without emotions getting elevated. He may hope to create structures of relating that feel safe for both him and Louise. He might seek to rebuild trust, foster a healthier dynamic, or even gain some closure. Perhaps he may want to ensure that Louise understands his feelings and respects his decision to end the relationship. 

Understanding the desired result before beginning a difficult conversation is essential, as it may be more complicated than originally thought. Additionally, having an intention guides the conversation, keeping us focused on the outcomes we seek. Failing to clearly indicate what we want from the conversation can lead to confusion and, ultimately, an unsuccessful outcome. Consequently, it is imperative to keep an intention in mind throughout the conversation to ensure that it remains productive and focused. 

Holding back our true thoughts and feelings can result from various factors, including fear of negative reactions, guilt, shame, and past traumas. It can lead to a lack of clarity and objectivity in our relationships and erode trust and emotional closeness. However, it is important to find the courage to express our true thoughts and feelings, even if it is difficult. This can involve taking time to acknowledge and process our emotions, seeking support from friends or guides, and exploring past experiences that may influence our present relationships. We can work towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships by finding the courage to speak up.

Summary:

• Withholding our truth wreaks havoc on our relationships not just with others but with ourselves.

• The weight of unspoken truths can drag us down, but the courage to speak them can bring us freedom.

• What is not faced, will fester. What is faced, will heal.

Emotion & Leadership

The old 1950s paradigm that a leader must ignore or suppress her/his emotional urges has been thoroughly discredited over the last 20 years of research. Instead, research shows, time and again, that leaders that are aware of their moods, emotions, and drives, can leverage that competency to drive positive organizational change. While logic and intellect have made our lives easier in many ways—giving us indoor plumbing and high speed internet—they do not motivate people. By placing too high a value on brainpower rather than heart-power, we inadvertently demotivate the teams we lead. Why?

A Leader’s Emotional Field

Because our emotional field acts like an unseen force that either motivates or discourages the teams of people we lead. Our emotions have a profound impact on shaping the perceptions around us. To convey this point, look at the following photo and see if you can answer the question: Which monster is bigger?:

runningmonster

Both monsters are, in fact, of equal size.

runningmonstera

The visual distortions produced by the lines in the background make the monster in the back appear larger. Our emotions are like those background lines. They’re affecting everyone else’s perception of us, but we are unaware of their impact. Maybe we want our team to focus on meeting their numbers; closing a deal; or putting out a fire. The background of emotion we inject into the achievement of tasks and goals acts as a sort of frame that contextualizes our team’s experience.

If, for example, we are scared that our team will not make its quota and unaware of the intensity of our fear, we will inadvertently demotivate. Unless we are aware of the emotional fields we create, we, as leaders, will not be aware of our impact upon those we influence. As a result, we will be powerless to wield these unseen forces and silent messages that shape, not only our teams’ experiences, but, ultimately, the destiny of the organizations we lead.

Emotions are infectious in a way that concepts are not. Unlike like logic or analysis, emotion drives action. Without emotion, we are not inspire. Exhilaration, loyalty, fury, and affection give our work lives vibrancy and purpose. Attraction, desire, and enthusiasm draw us toward people and situations, while fear, shame, guilt, and disgust repel us from others. In all cases, emotions act as an all-pervading guide. Emotion has a way of drawing us into almost immediate alignment in a way that thoughts cannot.

That's why watching movies in the theater can be more powerful than when we watch them at home. We are surrounded by others’ emotional responses. It is also why stampedes form in stadiums when crowds of people are filled with fright or anger. And we all know what it is like to work in environments where emotions like worry, doubt, and cynicism pervade. Emotional fields like these have an incredible capacity to take the wind out of our sails.

Researchers at management the consulting firm, Hay/McBer, have shown that emotional competencies are twice as important in contributing to leadership excellence as are pure intellect and technical expertise . Additionally, the United States Office of Personnel Management oversaw an analysis of the competencies deemed to set superior performers apart from barely adequate ones for virtually every federal job. For lower-level positions, there was a higher premium on technical abilities than on interpersonal ones. As people advanced in their position, interpersonal skills became more important in distinguishing superior from average performance. In other words, it’s more important for leaders to be likeable than it is for them to be smart.

The goods news is that research demonstrates that E.Q. (Emotional Quotient) is learnable. Emotional intelligence is not just something some people are born with and others not, like I.Q. The essential set of skills, the core, in fact, is developed through mindfulness training, which is a simple, age-old, time-tested technique that builds self-awareness and empathy.