Client stories

She had packed her bags. During a difficult moment with someone she had recently started seeing, she was ready to leave. Then she stopped at the door.

Confrontation was hard for her. She described being used to feeling that whatever had happened was her fault. She could accommodate the other person, becoming who she thought they needed her to be. But afterward, she would hate that she hadn’t been herself.

This time, she stayed and talked. She was nervous. The relationship was new. But she found a way to explain what concerned her, and described a conversation in which her perspective was heard. She connected how she processed her emotions and expressed herself with our work together.

The following weekend, another difficult exchange gave her a chance to try again. She received an apology. Usually, she said, she would have reassured the other person that everything was fine and moved on.

Instead, she took some time. “I just need a day.”

When she was ready, she explained what the exchange had been like for her. As she recalled it in our session: “I want to take your apology, but I also want to explain what this did to me and why it impacted me.”

She described the conversation as constructive, and said it brought them closer. But as she talked about what had changed, she came back to something that mattered to her beyond the other person’s response.

She had wanted to be able to do this for a long time. She could recognize herself in how she had spoken. She had said what mattered without shutting down or setting her own experience aside.

She hoped the relationship would work out. Even if it didn’t, she told me, what mattered was how she felt about herself in it: “for the first time, I'm happy how I am in this relationship.”

A message from someone on her team left her feeling that she had to defend herself. This person seemed to believe she didn’t value the work they were doing. That was not how she felt, and not the message she wanted reaching her team.

She was frustrated. She had been asking for information she needed to lead the organization. Now she was facing a conversation with someone who felt unappreciated.

She took a walk. That evening, she worked with the reaction through meditation. She began thinking about how to approach the conversation so the other person could be candid with her, and so, in her words, “I can be receptive to that without being defensive.”

When they spoke, she acknowledged how much this person had accomplished, the team they were building, and the direction they were taking the work. She wanted them to hear that appreciation directly from her.

She also explained what she needed. The work mattered to the whole organization. She needed updates, a sense of how it was progressing, and enough information to make decisions. They needed a way to communicate that gave her that visibility without leaving the other person feeling micromanaged.

The discussion continued over two conversations. When she told me about it, she felt they had established a better footing and helped the person move forward with their work.

The wider management problem was still difficult. There was another leader between them, and getting clear information through that relationship remained a work in progress. She wasn’t describing a team that was suddenly easy to lead.

But in this conversation, she had been able to hear someone’s concern without making the whole exchange a defense of herself. She could let them know their work mattered and still be clear about what she needed from them.