Leaving yourself
You’re so busy checking how the other person is doing that you lose track of what you want.
Private coaching with Chad Herst
Coaching
Bring the decision or conversation you keep circling.
You may know the conversation you’re avoiding, or the decision you keep going over. You can explain it, but when it comes time to say something or make a choice, you get caught in the same place.
We work with what happens in you when you try to say what you mean or make that choice.
I built this work because I needed it first. That experience is part of what I bring to these sessions.
Eight private sessions · 90 minutes each · Held virtually
Sessions spaced two to three weeks apart
What happens in a session
A client was in the middle of a business crisis. When I suggested we focus on her breath, she laughed.
“I’m not sure breathing is going to fix my cash flow problem.”
“It won’t,” I said, “but we aren’t doing this to fix the cash flow. We’re doing it to interrupt the spiral.”
Later, she became irritated with herself for getting so emotional. I recognized that voice. It was the same one I used on myself whenever my gut flared, believing that if I judged myself harshly enough, I could force my body back into line.
We began noticing where she felt the overwhelm.
“Let’s just stay with that. Not to get rid of it, but to keep it company, like you would a good friend who’s having a hard moment.”
The eight sessions
We work together over eight private sessions, 90 minutes each, held virtually and spaced two to three weeks apart. Between sessions, there’s reading, journaling, and meditation with guided audio. This is a training, and what you notice between our conversations becomes part of what we work with when we meet.
The eight modules give us a structure. Along the way, we develop a life purpose statement, with reflections from people who know you. You can reach me by text with questions between sessions.
How the work unfolds
In the beginning, we slow down and learn to listen. We’re so used to pushing past what we feel that we can miss the ache, the confusion, or the different parts of ourselves wanting different things. We get to know those parts and what they’re trying to protect. We also begin to hear what we want for our lives underneath all that.
The point is to come to know yourself, including the things you’ve been struggling with. What you feel gives us information. We still have to consider what it means and decide what to do.
Later, we work more directly with the conversations you’re in. How do you want to respond differently? Can you say what matters to you and stay in the relationship? Can you stay connected without losing yourself or having to withdraw altogether? We try things, see what happens, and bring that experience back into our work.
At the end of the eight sessions, we look at what would be useful next. Some people continue on their own. Some keep working with me. We can also revisit the modules later.
The work starts in the body
A tight jaw. A tight throat. A tight chest. A knot in the stomach.
You may be used to pushing past these things to get on with the day. As you tell me what happened, we slow down enough to notice them. We look for words for the sensation and practice staying with it.
The sensation does not tell you what decision to make. Your body is not always right, and it does not replace judgment. But it can reveal that something important is happening before the familiar story takes over.
You can disagree with me.
If what I say doesn’t fit, tell me. “No, that’s not it” is useful. I want to know what it’s like for you, even when it’s different from what I’m imagining.
The session is where you practice staying with yourself.
You can tell me when you feel pulled to agree, go quiet, or explain something away. We can notice it together while it’s happening.
We do this more than once. A new response becomes trustworthy through experience.
What can change
Say you keep agreeing to things you don’t want to do. You know you do this. But someone asks a favor, your chest tightens, and you’re caught between anger at being asked and guilt about saying no. You agree. Later, you resent it.
We slow that moment down. What has the request come to mean to you? Maybe saying no feels like letting someone down, or risking the relationship. We get to know what feels at stake, including the part of you that’s tired of going along.
You may still be afraid of disappointing them. You can practice noticing that fear and taking time before you answer. Then come back to the conversation. Sometimes the honest answer is no. Sometimes it’s a yes you want to give.
You’re practicing staying in the relationship without losing yourself or withdrawing altogether.
What changes outside the session
One client described how she could get through a difficult interaction by becoming who the other person needed her to be. Afterward, she would hate that she hadn’t been herself.
Then she told me about a different conversation. She had received an apology, but this time she didn’t say everything was fine and move on. She took time, then explained what had hurt and why it mattered.
She said the conversation brought them closer. What mattered most to her, though, was that she liked who she was in it, even if the relationship didn’t ultimately work out.
Read her account: She didn’t have to say it was fine
At work, too
Another client described a conversation she had wanted to enter defending herself. Someone on her team thought she didn’t value their work. She found a way to hear the concern, express her appreciation, and still ask for what she needed to lead.
Other places the pattern shows up
The inner critic
The conversation ends, but you’re still going over what you should have said. The voice that grades you keeps going.
Carrying it all
Someone is upset, and you feel responsible for making it better. Your own needs can wait.
The pressure to perform
You get the title or finish the project. For a little while, it feels like enough. Then there’s another thing to prove.
The voice that goes quiet
You know what you want to say. Then your throat tightens, and the words don’t come.
Emptiness
You have what you wanted, and something still feels wrong. You can’t quite name what’s missing.
Read about the performance trap, the pressure to keep proving your worth.
What comes naturally to you?
There may be things you’ve wanted for a long time and kept telling yourself you shouldn’t need. More closeness. Time to make something. A life where you aren’t always proving you can handle it.
Part of the work is being able to recognize, “Oh, this is who I am,” including things about yourself you’ve been fighting. You begin to take what matters to you seriously.
We also look at what comes easily to you: the curiosity you follow, or a strength people who know you keep pointing out. These are things you may overlook because they seem so ordinary. They help us explore your values and put words to a sense of purpose that you recognize as your own.
Kids on the bus: a way of understanding protective parts
Kids On The Bus
Picture a bus. You’re the driver, and the parts of you are the kids. The critic, the caretaker, the one who goes quiet, the one who can’t stop working. Sometimes one grabs the wheel before you’ve noticed what’s happening.
One part wants to be close to someone. Another pulls back because it’s afraid of being hurt or asked for too much. Both are there, wanting different things.
We aren’t trying to throw either kid off the bus. We get curious about what each is trying to protect. What is it worried would happen if it stopped doing its job?
In clients’ own voices
Listen to people describing what brought them to the work, how they experienced it, and what they took with them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this therapy?
No. This is a coaching engagement, not clinical treatment. The work draws on somatic awareness, mindfulness, and parts work. We explore how a pattern operates now and where you learned it, rather than diagnosing or treating mental illness.
How will I know it’s working?
We pay attention to what happens in your life. Can you notice the familiar reaction? Can you stay with what you feel and say something you would usually hold back?
The difficult feeling may still be there. You begin to have a relationship with it, instead of always trying to get rid of it or letting it decide what happens next.
For years, I believed there would be a day when I’d finally have myself sorted out. I like to think I became an adult when I stopped believing that. It took a while.
We’ll talk about what you’re noticing, including where you still feel stuck.
How often do we meet?
There are eight sessions, spaced two to three weeks apart. Between sessions, you have time for the reading, journaling, and meditation, and to see what happens when you bring the practice into your life.
Do you work with clients outside San Francisco?
Yes. Sessions are held virtually, so clients join from wherever they are.
Who is this work for?
High performers, often founders and executives, who sense that something underneath their achievement isn’t right, even when everything looks fine from the outside.
A written reflection
An AI-guided written reflection for the pattern beneath the problem. Begin in your own time with a reflection built around Chad’s method. It isn’t a conversation with Chad.
When you're ready, we can talk.
A 30-minute conversation. Bring what you’re working with and your questions. We can talk about how we might work together and what the next step could be.