Mainly we do not relate to one another. We experience ourselves as separate. I stay in my worldview, and others remain in theirs'. When a connection occurs, it is as if that sense of separation has dissolved. We have transformed from separate objects to being merged as the very same thing. We feel related, in tune, in sync.
We mistakenly believe that to create a connection with someone we need to do or say something special or unique, that we have to put on a show or say just the right thing for someone to want to give us the time of day. Rarely do we consider that, like us, everyone else believes they must say something special to be related to. When we are in conversation, we tend to be in our heads, thinking:
"I wonder what they're thinking about me?"
"If I say or ask x, how will they react?"
"I wonder what I should say next."
"I don't agree with them."
Because we're so caught up in this internal dialogue, we're only enhancing the sense of disconnection. No wonder most of us feel inept and clumsy when it comes to relating.
We have to get out of our heads and into the conversations we're in if we hope to create an authentic connection. We want to widen our field of awareness, to be inclusive of others, and to turn the volume up on our curiosity. When we are curious about another person, our attention naturally shifts toward them and away from the monologue we're having in our mind. It also helps us to listen to their words and what is underneath and behind them. This, in turn, establishes and deepens the connection.
The simple act of giving our full attention creates the initial spark that leads to trust and understanding. If we can grasp and appreciate their point of view, they will tend to drop their defenses. After all, connection results when both people can share their common humanity, quirks and things we struggle with. The more we can hear and see things from their perspective, to respect and validate their experience, the safer they will feel to expose their vulnerabilities. We do not need to concede our point of view to validate their experience. Instead, we have to be willing to stand in their shoes, to grasp how they see and experience the world.
When someone feels understood, accepted and respected, they lose the need to protect themselves. Instead, they feel safe and available to be relatable. The resulting openness creates an opportunity for the meeting of two human beings to occur, warts and all.