Etymologically speaking, empathy means to feel into another’s experience as if it were your own. Real empathy is not performative. You don’t have to “show empathy.” You are biologically wired to be empathetic. The primary thing needed to be empathetic is attention because attention to another’s words, verbal tone, facial expressions and body posture stimulates neurons in the brain that create emotional connectedness.
These neurons are called mirror neurons. When mirror neurons fire, they trick our emotional brains into feeling emotions similar to those of the people around us. When we witness someone speaking about a moving experience, we naturally and unconsciously mimic their facial expressions. This facial mimicry sends signals to our emotional brain, called the limbic brain. The resulting signals prompt us to attune to the person we’re relating to by feeling similar emotion, as well.
So the essential ingredient needed to “show empathy” is our presence. If we want to stand in another’s shoes, we have to be willing to give them our attention wholeheartedly. It can help to look at the eyes, in particular. The eyes are the primary area where we express our emotions. In addition to presence, it can help to learn a few verbal cues that let the other person know you understand them.
Echoing
Occasionally it can help to reflect what you hear them saying. When you reflect, you’re not dissecting, analyzing or reinterpreting the meaning of their words. Instead, you are accurately summarizing or paraphrasing them. You can repeat what they said with the preface, “So what you’re saying is…” Echoing like this lets them know that you hear their words and that you’re with them.
Confirmation
It can be helpful to follow a reflection with the question: “Is that what you were saying?” and/or “Did I miss anything?” You won’t always be accurate when you echo their words. Often, you will miss the essence of what they’re conveying, particularly if you’re in an argument with them or they’re speaking about a delicate subject, either for yourself or them. Asking for confirmation like this can be humbling, but it is the only way for you to know whether they feel that you understand their experience.
Elaboration
You might also ask, “Do you have something more to say?” This question is like a gift. You are granting them the space to unload their burden by inviting them to share all of their thoughts and feelings on a particular topic. This offer allows them to empty the storehouse of emotions, to say all that needs to be said.
Acknowledgement
Once you have listened to someone and fully understood him or her, it can help to acknowledge and appreciate their experience. You can say something like: “I can see why you experience it that way.” Acknowledging in this way shows respect for their point-of-view and experience. The word respect etymologically comes from the Latin roots re-, which means again and –spect, as in spectacle, something that can be seen or viewed. So respect is to look again, to honor or consider the validity of another’s experience.
While I have offered a formula above, empathy isn’t formulaic. It’s natural. It merely requires that we be willing to let go of our point of view, to instead, give them your full attention and to step into their shoes. Likely, it will be the greatest gift you grant to someone. If they can feel and sense you care simply through the quality of your attention, they will feel relieved and safe in the world.