We-Di-Tation: Unveiling the Power of Shared Mindfulness for Deeper Connections

"The deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless ... beyond speech ... beyond concept." 

- Thomas Merton

In this exploration, we will embark on a journey to understand and implement a novel concept: we-di-tation. Unlike traditional meditation, which focuses on the self, we-di-tation extends the reflective process to include others in a shared experience of mindfulness and connection.

We'll start by defining the concept of we-di-tation. Then we'll explore how it diverges from conventional meditation practices and underline its importance in creating deeper, more empathetic relationships. We'll discuss why this practice is so crucial—not only for our personal growth but also for societal harmony and collective awakening.

Then, we'll delve into practical steps for mastering this practice, from learning to shift our 'Spotlight of Attention' between the self and others to understanding the pitfalls of one-dimensional (1-D) listening and discovering the critical role of self-management in effectively applying we-di-tation.

Understanding and Applying We-Di-Tation

When we hear the word "meditation," our mind likely jumps to images of tranquil solitude, quiet spaces, and the attention directed toward our inner world. But we can also meditate within our relationships, not just in isolation. It can be a we-thing rather than just a me-thing. Not only can we "me-ditate," but we can also "we-di-tate." 

We-di-tation is a practice that involves directing our meditative focus towards others and our shared experiences, as opposed to the inward focus of traditional meditation. Practicing we-di-tation flips the traditional idea of meditation on its head. Instead of turning inward, it's about opening up—making connections, relating to other people, even growing together as a community. It can revamp our relationships (for the better, of course!).

Taking this voyage of collective mindfulness is not just a pleasant idea; it has empirical backing. A notable study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in 2007 is a testament to the power of shared mindfulness practices. The research involved couples embarking on a mindfulness-based relationship enhancement program. The findings were illuminating and promising—a significant increase in relationship satisfaction, a sense of closeness, acceptance of one another, and autonomy. 

This underscores the potential of shared mindfulness practices—such as we-di-tation—to forge stronger, more fulfilling interpersonal relationships. This transformation of solitude to unity, of silence to a shared melody, is the essence of we-di-tation. It suggests that we can extend the personal growth nurtured by meditation to include those around us and, in doing so, foster deeper, more empathetic connections.

We-di-tation is about deepening our interactions with others and fostering a sense of understanding and connection. It's turning our conversations into shared experiences of awareness and growth. The big idea? Be present, listen wholeheartedly, and manage our attention. This way, we-di-tation can transform our relationships and contribute to a collective awakening. 

We-di-dating this way is about breaking down those invisible walls we tend to put between ourselves and others. Like meditation, when we we-ditate, we are 100% there. We're relating, soaking in their words, feelings, and world. It's about being with. We're sending them a signal that says, "Hey, I'm here with you right now." It's about reaching out, not withdrawing inward. 

We-Di-Tation in Everyday Life and Beyond 

We-di-tation bonds us with buddies, colleagues, and family. Instead of being lost in our thoughts or scrolling through our phones at the dinner table, we can consciously be present with our family. We listen to our children's stories of their day, engaging with questions and comments that show we're genuinely interested. We also self-manage any stress or fatigue from our day, ensuring it doesn't cloud our interaction with our loved ones.

Being present, curious, and actively listening signals that others matter. It shows we're willing to step out from the 'me show' and truly understand them from their side of the table. This attention creates the safety and trust we explored in the last section. When others feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their guard and become more open. That is where the magic happens. We-di-tation invites someone into a cozy space to connect, rather than standing on opposite sides of a high fence. 

It also deepens connections and makes us better friends. For parents, we-di-tation deepens the connection with children. It's not just about helping them grow but also about getting to know them. As a leader at work or in the community, we-di-tation can help us understand the people we support. 

During a team meeting, we can practice we-di-tation by listening attentively to each colleague's ideas, ensuring we understand their viewpoints rather than just waiting our turn to speak. Even if an idea doesn't align with ours, we can give them our full attention and respect their perspective. We also manage our inner dialogue by focusing our attention on the discussion at hand, not letting our minds wander to that impending deadline or our disagreement yesterday.

We-di-tation can lead to collective awakening and systemic change. Imagine a world where individuals understand each other deeply, where empathy and understanding are the norm rather than the exception. This might seem like a romantic ideal, but it's a possibility worth striving for, and we-di-tation is a step in the right direction.

We-di-tation goes beyond personal relationships; it can change the world. We could be looking at a collective awakening and major shifts in how we interact as a society. Imagine a world where everyone truly gets each other, where empathy isn't a rare gem but as common as our morning cup of joe. While it might seem like a pipe-dream, it's one worth chasing. Every time we practice we-di-tation, we take a step towards that reality. 

The Spotlight of Attention

Learning to we-di-tate involves the same process as acquiring a new skill, such as cooking or playing the guitar. We have to practice, learn, and apply certain techniques, and it's the same with this kind of meditation.

Just like meditation, the key is awareness. We want to imagine our attention to be like a giant, super-powered spotlight. Wherever that spotlight shines, it brings clarity and detail. It lights up the stage, showing us what's really going on. That's what happens when we apply a meditative approach to relating with others. We're directing our inner spotlight, sometimes inward and sometimes outward. 

Think of it this way: If we’re at a theater, and the spotlight operator focuses only on one actor the entire time, we would miss a significant part of the performance. In the same way, if we only focus on one aspect of relating, we miss out on understanding the full picture. We want to learn to shift that spotlight around, highlighting different parts of our internal and external experiences, giving us a fuller understanding of ourselves, others and the spaces we occupy and co-create with.

We don't just turn on the spotlight and leave it to shine in one place. The real trick is learning how to maneuver that spotlight, to move it around and illuminate different things at different times. Maybe one moment, it's shining on our emotions. The next, it might be lighting up the whole environment. The next, it could be lasering it onto another's words.

This kind of skill doesn't usually come naturally. It takes a bit of effort at first, but once we get the hang of it, it becomes a natural part of navigating the world of relating. 

1-D Listening

Sometimes in a movie, a voiceover narrates the main character's thoughts and feelings. Their internal dialogue is the star of the show. That's what 1-D listening is like. Imagine we are in a conversation with a partner who's telling us about their day. But instead of hearing what they're saying, we're half-listening while thinking about what we’ll cook for dinner or how we'll finish that big work project. We’re there, but we're not really there. 

We're more tuned in to our own thoughts and feelings than to the person in front of us. The following are common examples of how we listen in 1-D: 

• "I wonder if I remembered to turn off the stove at home."

• "This story is boring. I can't wait to change the topic."

• "I wish they would stop talking so I can share my news."

• "I'm uncomfortable with this conversation; I need to find a way out."

• "I disagree with what they're saying, but I'll just nod along until it's my turn to speak."

And when we listen to the voices in our heads, it's like we're relating to ourselves more than to the other person. Without we-di-tation, our relationships are like a dimly lit stage instead of a vibrant theater performance. They're missing that depth and richness of truly connecting with someone else.

Now, I'm not saying we should totally ignore our own experiences because they're important too. There's no argument that our own wants and needs play a significant role in our decision-making process. They serve as our personal GPS, guiding us to make choices that align with our unique path. Whether it involves selecting a career that aligns with our aspirations or finding a compatible life partner, being in tune with our own thoughts and feelings is crucial.

Also, understanding our own boundaries is akin to having a personal alarm system. They notify us when something doesn't feel right or we are venturing outside our comfort zone, allowing us to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Moreover, comprehending our own thoughts and feelings empowers us to prioritize our well-being, advocate for our needs, and take charge of our own lives.

However, it's a bit like sitting in a theater and only watching one actor when there's an entire ensemble performing. Sure, the drumbeat is important, but we're missing out on the guitar, the bass, and the vocals. We're not really experiencing the full richness of the music.

The same goes for our relationships. During a disagreement with our partner, instead of getting defensive or retreating into silence, we can apply the principles of we-di-tation. We can listen to their concerns without interrupting or formulating our rebuttal in our minds. We manage our emotional responses and remain open and engaged. We strive to understand their feelings, signaling that we value their perspective.

When we only focus the spotlight on ourselves, we fail to illuminate those around us. And in doing so, we miss out on the beautiful symphony of human connection. 

Self-Management

This is where the art of self-management comes in. Think of self-management as operating the spotlight in a theater of conversation. This spotlight represents our attention, and we're in charge of controlling where it shines. Sometimes, the spotlight might wander and illuminate the backstage of our mind, highlighting thoughts of self-doubt or distractions. These elements are a part of the show too - they have their roles, their own importance - but they're not always the main act.

Mastering the spotlight means recognizing when it has strayed and gently guiding it back onto the lead actor, in this case, the person we're engaged with. Sometimes, the light might get a little shaky, especially if the conversation is challenging or a previous discussion has unsettled us. That's when we tap into our toolkit of grounding rituals, stabilizers that help refocus the light, like slow, conscious breathing.

Once in a while, the spotlight might not be functioning at its best. It's in these moments that transparency comes into play. Just as a good theater crew would communicate any technical issues, if we cannot bring our full presence to the conversation, it's okay to say so.

Remember, though, controlling the spotlight is not about completely shutting off the backstage lights of our thoughts and feelings. It's about acknowledging them and also making a conscious choice to keep the same amount or most of the light on the main stage. This skill takes practice, but with time, we become better at it.

And don't forget, operating the spotlight isn't done out of obligation but out of love for the show. Maneuvering the spotlight is an act of love. We do it because we care about the entire performance, not just our part. When we focus our spotlight with a spirit of genuine curiosity, it not only creates a better experience for the person we're listening to, but it also enriches our own lives.

Embarking on Our We-Di-Tation Journey

Let's explore how to jump into it and make we-di-tation our own. The best part about we-di-tation is its simplicity - no need for fancy gadgets or a special place. All we need is to be present, along with a buddy or a group who's up for the ride and the spotlight of our attention.

It can help to start by checking in with ourselves, asking how we're doing. Are we feeling calm and clear, jumpy and agitated, or dull and heavy? We're just noticing without judging ourselves. Once we've got a handle on our vibe, it's time to shine the spotlight onto our fellow we-di-tators. We're listening to their words, picking up on the tone of their voice, watching their facial expressions, and observing their body language.

Next, it's all about balancing our attention. We want to keep toggling our focus from us to them and back again. We're keeping an eye on how their dialogue influences our mood and how our listening quality affects them. We might have judgmental or distracting thoughts popping up. We want to acknowledge them but avoid identifying with them.

Keep in mind, we-di-tation isn't a one-and-done deal. It's a skill that gets better the more we do it. If, at first, it's a little tough to stay present with others, we can cut ourselves some slack. Stick with it, and we'll soon find it's easier to connect with others, build stronger bonds and grow together. 

Now, go on and give it a whirl!

How to Navigate the Four Stages of Personal Transformation

Mind/Body Foundations represents a significant turning point in our personal growth journey. It marks the beginning of a process of self-discovery that enables us to cultivate a heightened sense of self-awareness. However, this transformative path requires us to venture outside of our comfort zones and explore new territories.

Undertaking this journey requires dedication and effort, as it is a complex and profound process. Nonetheless, we need not navigate this enigmatic terrain alone. Along the way, we can benefit from the wisdom and support of guides and resources that illuminate the path forward. By drawing on the experiences and insights of those who have gone before us, we can gain valuable insights and navigate these mysterious waters more confidently and purposefully. Following the maps and lessons left behind by these trailblazers can provide us with greater clarity and empower us to embark on this transformative quest.

As we journey into the unknown territory ahead, the following serves as a preliminary outline, providing a basic map and general direction to guide us along the path. It's called the four stages of competence. It maps the progression of learning a new skill, starting from unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don't know), to conscious incompetence (realizing what you don't know), then to conscious competence (developing skill through practice and focus), and finally to unconscious competence (skill becomes second nature).

To illustrate these different phases of transformation, we can examine the experiences of two individuals, Shirley and Steve:

Over the last several months, Steve, Shirley's manager, had noticed a change in her behavior. Shirley became more withdrawn and volatile every time he gave her constructive feedback on her work. This behavior was causing tension in their working relationship, and Steve felt increasingly weighed down by it. He viewed her behavior as a personal issue that she needed to work through on her own rather than recognizing that he might be influencing her behavior.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence: not knowing what we don't know

Often, before starting a journey of personal growth, we may find ourselves in a state of "unconscious incompetence." This means we are unaware of our own role in our struggles and difficulties. Our dissatisfaction with various aspects of our lives, such as our profession, relationships, or personal growth, often comes from external factors or the actions of others. Rather than acknowledging our own part in these situations, we tend to assign blame solely to others or circumstances beyond our control. This mindset can hinder us from taking ownership and finding solutions to our problems.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: realizing what we don't know

We move to the conscious competence stage when we recognize that our old coping methods are no longer effective or when we reach a critical breaking point. This could manifest as crises, frustration, emptiness, or loneliness, which can escalate until we can no longer continue living as we have been. For instance, we may experience a sudden realization that we have been neglecting important relationships or aspects of our lives, burnout from overwork, or the consequences of avoiding or denying our actions.

One day, Steve's team encountered a sudden loss when a member, Eliza, quit without prior notice. During her exit interview, Eliza attributed her decision to Steve's management style, which included micromanaging her work and depriving her of autonomy. She also noted that Steve's demeanor towards her was distant and punitive, exacerbating her frustrations. Additionally, Steve received word that Shirley was contemplating leaving the team.

In the stage of conscious competence, we become aware of our own limitations, patterns, and beliefs that have been driving our behaviors and decisions. This awareness allows us to recognize that there are different and potentially better ways of approaching our relationships with ourselves and others. We actively seek new tools, resources, and guidance to help us make the necessary changes. At this stage, we grasp the need to learn and improve.

To embark on this transformational journey, it's crucial to have a guide and mentor who can help us cross the symbolic threshold that marks the transition from one state of being to another. In many myths, this shift is depicted as a descent into darkness or a journey into a cave, signifying the unknown and unexplored territories of our inner selves. During this period, we may experience a range of emotions, such as confusion, frustration, and even self-doubt. Having a mentor or guide who can provide support, direction and insights can be immensely helpful as we transition from conscious incompetence to conscious competence.

At the recommendation of his company's CEO, Steven sought coaching services from me. The CEO had expressed his concern that unless Steven improved his leadership skills, he might face the risk of being terminated.

Stage 3: Conscious competence: developing skill through practice and focus

Steven was initially defensive in our first meeting and did not think he needed coaching. Although he had faced issues like employee resignations and stress from his team members, he remained skeptical that change was possible. However, as we progressed through our sessions and probed deeper, Steven realized that he couldn't rectify his leadership shortcomings on his own and that the guidance of a coach was necessary.

To overcome our challenges and obstacles, it is important to approach them with a beginner's mindset. This requires letting go of our defenses, such as denial, rationalization, minimization, or blame. By acknowledging these defenses and being open to new knowledge, skills, and perspectives, we can begin to learn and grow in ways that enable us to thrive in our new reality.

While this can be challenging, the first step towards this new way of thinking is to become aware of our current thought patterns and actively work towards cultivating an open and receptive mindset. By doing so, we can more easily explore unfamiliar terrain and discover new insights and perspectives that can help us navigate our way forward. 

In one of our early meetings, Steve confided in me about Shirley's behavior, expressing concern over her growing disengagement and unpredictable mood swings. As a key member of his team, he depended on her and feared the potential consequences of her departure. I advised him to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her to understand the root cause of her behavior and to let her know how important she was to him and the team. However, Steve was apprehensive about her reaction and felt it would be unproductive. 

Given his reluctance to meet face-to-face, I advised Steve to write a letter to Shirley expressing his appreciation for her and how much he valued her contributions to the team. The letter would also convey his desire for her to remain on the team and how important she was to its success. Although Steve wrote the letter, he hesitated to share it with me, fearing that I would perceive him as weak. He believed that expressing his feelings openly was a sign of weakness and may have been afraid of being judged or viewed as less competent.

Steve's initial reluctance to share his feelings is a common tendency among many individuals who avoid vulnerability and suppress their emotions. This is often due to the fear of being judged or perceived as weak. However, to develop new skills and grow as individuals, we must acknowledge our sensitivity and open ourselves up to vulnerability. By remaining guarded and suppressing our emotions, we inhibit our ability to identify and address the underlying causes of our challenges and obstacles.

Steve and I explored why he struggled to be honest with Shirley. Steve's father passed away when he was eight, leaving his mother as the sole provider for him and his sister. His mother was overwhelmed with the loss of her husband and the financial burden of taking care of her children. Whenever Steve was upset, she would lock him in his room, unable to handle his emotional needs. 

Steve learned to be independent and self-sufficient but never felt like he could let anyone get too close. He developed a critical inner voice that mimicked his mother's disapproval, telling him not to be weak or a burden when he felt scared or hurt.

Understanding our past experiences and how they shape our current behavior and beliefs can be immensely helpful in freeing us up to show up differently. We can learn a new way of being by identifying and challenging the beliefs that restrict us. However, unlearning what has been deeply conditioned can be a challenging journey.

Steve struggled with negative self-talk throughout coaching, doubting his ability to improve relationships. Despite feeling overwhelmed and considering quitting our work, he recognized the need to challenge his beliefs. Failure to address his self-doubt could lead to losing team members, job loss, and hinder career advancement. With my support, Steve persevered in his journey of personal growth.

It's important to remember that setbacks and failures are a normal part of the learning process. They can actually help us grow and develop. Although the journey toward change may be challenging and sometimes frustrating, we can become stronger and more resilient by staying committed to our goals and persevering through obstacles. Along the way, we may encounter unacknowledged loss, regret, disappointment, shame, and doubt. Still, by facing them with courage and determination, we can ultimately emerge stronger and more empowered.

The path to progress is rarely linear, and it can often feel like a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs. While it's natural to desire a clear and straightforward path to success, the reality is that growth and development often come with setbacks and challenges, not unlike watching the stock market.:

We can see significant progress over time by zooming out and looking at the bigger picture.

When we look for progress over a week, we see a lot of ups and downs.

At some point in the journey, we are pushed to our limits and forced to confront our deepest fears and flaws. This is a moment where we are tested and requires us to risk everything. Often the thing w must confront is our own personal demons.

Despite his fears and doubts, he mustered the courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Shirley, expressing his appreciation for her contributions and importance to the team's success. Steve shared his feelings openly, acknowledging his past struggles and fears of being judged or viewed as weak. To his surprise, Shirley was receptive to his words and was touched by his vulnerability, which brought them closer together.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: Skill becomes second nature

Eventually, we come across a critical juncture in our lives where we must summon the bravery to confront our greatest fears. If we persevere, we emerge transformed and empowered. This breakthrough gives us access to a new way of existing, which becomes a natural part of our being. 

Following their last conversation, Shirley felt more comfortable sharing her concerns and previous thoughts about leaving the team with Steve. From then on, Steve consistently showed his appreciation for Shirley's contributions and acknowledged her hard work. He made a conscious effort to listen to her concerns and provide support whenever needed. As a result, Shirley gradually began to trust Steve again, as he showed genuine interest in her growth and development, ultimately leading to a stronger working relationship.

The culmination of the journey from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence is a return to our everyday lives with a deeper sense of purpose and a greater capacity to effect change. This journey benefits not just ourselves but our entire community. We can share our newfound knowledge and lead in new directions.

Whenever we embark on an adventure that requires us to enhance our skills, we should be prepared for substantial obstacles. However, we can also look forward to countless benefits and rewards that we will reap along the way. As we venture outside our comfort zones and explore new horizons, we can unlock a sense of self-awareness, purpose, and fulfillment that may have been previously unattainable.

Summary:

• No substantial change happens overnight.

• Expect ups, downs and plateaus.

• Stay the course, and you will break through.