We-Di-Tation: Unveiling the Power of Shared Mindfulness for Deeper Connections

"The deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless ... beyond speech ... beyond concept." 

- Thomas Merton

In this exploration, we will embark on a journey to understand and implement a novel concept: we-di-tation. Unlike traditional meditation, which focuses on the self, we-di-tation extends the reflective process to include others in a shared experience of mindfulness and connection.

We'll start by defining the concept of we-di-tation. Then we'll explore how it diverges from conventional meditation practices and underline its importance in creating deeper, more empathetic relationships. We'll discuss why this practice is so crucial—not only for our personal growth but also for societal harmony and collective awakening.

Then, we'll delve into practical steps for mastering this practice, from learning to shift our 'Spotlight of Attention' between the self and others to understanding the pitfalls of one-dimensional (1-D) listening and discovering the critical role of self-management in effectively applying we-di-tation.

Understanding and Applying We-Di-Tation

When we hear the word "meditation," our mind likely jumps to images of tranquil solitude, quiet spaces, and the attention directed toward our inner world. But we can also meditate within our relationships, not just in isolation. It can be a we-thing rather than just a me-thing. Not only can we "me-ditate," but we can also "we-di-tate." 

We-di-tation is a practice that involves directing our meditative focus towards others and our shared experiences, as opposed to the inward focus of traditional meditation. Practicing we-di-tation flips the traditional idea of meditation on its head. Instead of turning inward, it's about opening up—making connections, relating to other people, even growing together as a community. It can revamp our relationships (for the better, of course!).

Taking this voyage of collective mindfulness is not just a pleasant idea; it has empirical backing. A notable study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in 2007 is a testament to the power of shared mindfulness practices. The research involved couples embarking on a mindfulness-based relationship enhancement program. The findings were illuminating and promising—a significant increase in relationship satisfaction, a sense of closeness, acceptance of one another, and autonomy. 

This underscores the potential of shared mindfulness practices—such as we-di-tation—to forge stronger, more fulfilling interpersonal relationships. This transformation of solitude to unity, of silence to a shared melody, is the essence of we-di-tation. It suggests that we can extend the personal growth nurtured by meditation to include those around us and, in doing so, foster deeper, more empathetic connections.

We-di-tation is about deepening our interactions with others and fostering a sense of understanding and connection. It's turning our conversations into shared experiences of awareness and growth. The big idea? Be present, listen wholeheartedly, and manage our attention. This way, we-di-tation can transform our relationships and contribute to a collective awakening. 

We-di-dating this way is about breaking down those invisible walls we tend to put between ourselves and others. Like meditation, when we we-ditate, we are 100% there. We're relating, soaking in their words, feelings, and world. It's about being with. We're sending them a signal that says, "Hey, I'm here with you right now." It's about reaching out, not withdrawing inward. 

We-Di-Tation in Everyday Life and Beyond 

We-di-tation bonds us with buddies, colleagues, and family. Instead of being lost in our thoughts or scrolling through our phones at the dinner table, we can consciously be present with our family. We listen to our children's stories of their day, engaging with questions and comments that show we're genuinely interested. We also self-manage any stress or fatigue from our day, ensuring it doesn't cloud our interaction with our loved ones.

Being present, curious, and actively listening signals that others matter. It shows we're willing to step out from the 'me show' and truly understand them from their side of the table. This attention creates the safety and trust we explored in the last section. When others feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their guard and become more open. That is where the magic happens. We-di-tation invites someone into a cozy space to connect, rather than standing on opposite sides of a high fence. 

It also deepens connections and makes us better friends. For parents, we-di-tation deepens the connection with children. It's not just about helping them grow but also about getting to know them. As a leader at work or in the community, we-di-tation can help us understand the people we support. 

During a team meeting, we can practice we-di-tation by listening attentively to each colleague's ideas, ensuring we understand their viewpoints rather than just waiting our turn to speak. Even if an idea doesn't align with ours, we can give them our full attention and respect their perspective. We also manage our inner dialogue by focusing our attention on the discussion at hand, not letting our minds wander to that impending deadline or our disagreement yesterday.

We-di-tation can lead to collective awakening and systemic change. Imagine a world where individuals understand each other deeply, where empathy and understanding are the norm rather than the exception. This might seem like a romantic ideal, but it's a possibility worth striving for, and we-di-tation is a step in the right direction.

We-di-tation goes beyond personal relationships; it can change the world. We could be looking at a collective awakening and major shifts in how we interact as a society. Imagine a world where everyone truly gets each other, where empathy isn't a rare gem but as common as our morning cup of joe. While it might seem like a pipe-dream, it's one worth chasing. Every time we practice we-di-tation, we take a step towards that reality. 

The Spotlight of Attention

Learning to we-di-tate involves the same process as acquiring a new skill, such as cooking or playing the guitar. We have to practice, learn, and apply certain techniques, and it's the same with this kind of meditation.

Just like meditation, the key is awareness. We want to imagine our attention to be like a giant, super-powered spotlight. Wherever that spotlight shines, it brings clarity and detail. It lights up the stage, showing us what's really going on. That's what happens when we apply a meditative approach to relating with others. We're directing our inner spotlight, sometimes inward and sometimes outward. 

Think of it this way: If we’re at a theater, and the spotlight operator focuses only on one actor the entire time, we would miss a significant part of the performance. In the same way, if we only focus on one aspect of relating, we miss out on understanding the full picture. We want to learn to shift that spotlight around, highlighting different parts of our internal and external experiences, giving us a fuller understanding of ourselves, others and the spaces we occupy and co-create with.

We don't just turn on the spotlight and leave it to shine in one place. The real trick is learning how to maneuver that spotlight, to move it around and illuminate different things at different times. Maybe one moment, it's shining on our emotions. The next, it might be lighting up the whole environment. The next, it could be lasering it onto another's words.

This kind of skill doesn't usually come naturally. It takes a bit of effort at first, but once we get the hang of it, it becomes a natural part of navigating the world of relating. 

1-D Listening

Sometimes in a movie, a voiceover narrates the main character's thoughts and feelings. Their internal dialogue is the star of the show. That's what 1-D listening is like. Imagine we are in a conversation with a partner who's telling us about their day. But instead of hearing what they're saying, we're half-listening while thinking about what we’ll cook for dinner or how we'll finish that big work project. We’re there, but we're not really there. 

We're more tuned in to our own thoughts and feelings than to the person in front of us. The following are common examples of how we listen in 1-D: 

• "I wonder if I remembered to turn off the stove at home."

• "This story is boring. I can't wait to change the topic."

• "I wish they would stop talking so I can share my news."

• "I'm uncomfortable with this conversation; I need to find a way out."

• "I disagree with what they're saying, but I'll just nod along until it's my turn to speak."

And when we listen to the voices in our heads, it's like we're relating to ourselves more than to the other person. Without we-di-tation, our relationships are like a dimly lit stage instead of a vibrant theater performance. They're missing that depth and richness of truly connecting with someone else.

Now, I'm not saying we should totally ignore our own experiences because they're important too. There's no argument that our own wants and needs play a significant role in our decision-making process. They serve as our personal GPS, guiding us to make choices that align with our unique path. Whether it involves selecting a career that aligns with our aspirations or finding a compatible life partner, being in tune with our own thoughts and feelings is crucial.

Also, understanding our own boundaries is akin to having a personal alarm system. They notify us when something doesn't feel right or we are venturing outside our comfort zone, allowing us to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Moreover, comprehending our own thoughts and feelings empowers us to prioritize our well-being, advocate for our needs, and take charge of our own lives.

However, it's a bit like sitting in a theater and only watching one actor when there's an entire ensemble performing. Sure, the drumbeat is important, but we're missing out on the guitar, the bass, and the vocals. We're not really experiencing the full richness of the music.

The same goes for our relationships. During a disagreement with our partner, instead of getting defensive or retreating into silence, we can apply the principles of we-di-tation. We can listen to their concerns without interrupting or formulating our rebuttal in our minds. We manage our emotional responses and remain open and engaged. We strive to understand their feelings, signaling that we value their perspective.

When we only focus the spotlight on ourselves, we fail to illuminate those around us. And in doing so, we miss out on the beautiful symphony of human connection. 

Self-Management

This is where the art of self-management comes in. Think of self-management as operating the spotlight in a theater of conversation. This spotlight represents our attention, and we're in charge of controlling where it shines. Sometimes, the spotlight might wander and illuminate the backstage of our mind, highlighting thoughts of self-doubt or distractions. These elements are a part of the show too - they have their roles, their own importance - but they're not always the main act.

Mastering the spotlight means recognizing when it has strayed and gently guiding it back onto the lead actor, in this case, the person we're engaged with. Sometimes, the light might get a little shaky, especially if the conversation is challenging or a previous discussion has unsettled us. That's when we tap into our toolkit of grounding rituals, stabilizers that help refocus the light, like slow, conscious breathing.

Once in a while, the spotlight might not be functioning at its best. It's in these moments that transparency comes into play. Just as a good theater crew would communicate any technical issues, if we cannot bring our full presence to the conversation, it's okay to say so.

Remember, though, controlling the spotlight is not about completely shutting off the backstage lights of our thoughts and feelings. It's about acknowledging them and also making a conscious choice to keep the same amount or most of the light on the main stage. This skill takes practice, but with time, we become better at it.

And don't forget, operating the spotlight isn't done out of obligation but out of love for the show. Maneuvering the spotlight is an act of love. We do it because we care about the entire performance, not just our part. When we focus our spotlight with a spirit of genuine curiosity, it not only creates a better experience for the person we're listening to, but it also enriches our own lives.

Embarking on Our We-Di-Tation Journey

Let's explore how to jump into it and make we-di-tation our own. The best part about we-di-tation is its simplicity - no need for fancy gadgets or a special place. All we need is to be present, along with a buddy or a group who's up for the ride and the spotlight of our attention.

It can help to start by checking in with ourselves, asking how we're doing. Are we feeling calm and clear, jumpy and agitated, or dull and heavy? We're just noticing without judging ourselves. Once we've got a handle on our vibe, it's time to shine the spotlight onto our fellow we-di-tators. We're listening to their words, picking up on the tone of their voice, watching their facial expressions, and observing their body language.

Next, it's all about balancing our attention. We want to keep toggling our focus from us to them and back again. We're keeping an eye on how their dialogue influences our mood and how our listening quality affects them. We might have judgmental or distracting thoughts popping up. We want to acknowledge them but avoid identifying with them.

Keep in mind, we-di-tation isn't a one-and-done deal. It's a skill that gets better the more we do it. If, at first, it's a little tough to stay present with others, we can cut ourselves some slack. Stick with it, and we'll soon find it's easier to connect with others, build stronger bonds and grow together. 

Now, go on and give it a whirl!

The Consequences of Ignored and Rejected Expressions

I had a long-term working partnership that went sour. We ran a yoga studio together and initially had a strong connection and shared many profound conversations. However, things started to deteriorate when I suggested that we create a contract outlining the financial split in the event that one of us wanted to part ways. My business partner became angry and accused me of being greedy, which led to a breakdown in trust and a diminishing connection between us.

Despite attempts to repair the relationship, we had several more misunderstandings and miscommunications that further strained our connection. I eventually reached a tipping point and decided to end the partnership, even though it meant giving up ownership of the studio.

Even after the end of the relationship, I have been left with lingering feelings of anger and frustration. I still feel misunderstood and feel that my business partner twisted my words and used them against me. The unresolved tension and lack of resolution has left me with what is known as an "incompletion," which continues to affect me even after the end of the relationship.

Principle #1: Unacknowledged thoughts and feelings keep us stuck in the past and hinder our ability to fully connect in the present.

An incompletion is this nagging feeling that comes from trying to communicate something to someone but those words are not really understood. Worse, they might even have been twisted and used against us. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt from the past that makes it impossible to be available for the relationship in this present moment.

This experience of not being received or understood is what we might call an incompletion in a relationship. In a relationship, things can go south when one person tries to express themselves and the other person doesn't get it. Maybe they reject it, contradict it, or dismiss it. If the other person doesn't understand or accept what's being said, it leaves the person expressing themselves feeling incomplete.  They feel like they tried to communicate something, but it wasn't accepted, leaving them feeling misunderstood, rejected, and possibly hurt and alone.

This feeling of being misunderstood is common in relationships, and it can be hard to trust the other person when they don't seem to get our point of view. Incompletions prevent us from relating to one another in the present moment. We’re still caught in the past where our expression was not acknowledged or understood. If this goes on for too long, we might start to shut down and stop communicating altogether.

Principle #2: Misunderstandings breed mistrust.

When we don't feel like we're getting through to someone, we tend to either get confrontational or try to back off. Some of us might start raising our voices or become more insistent, while others might try to avoid the conflict by pretending it's not happening and hoping it will just go away. If we keep trying to make ourselves understood and the other person just won't listen, we might eventually get fed up and either start holding back what we say or just stop communicating altogether.

It's not always a big deal if everything we say isn't totally understood, but it can be annoying when small things we say are ignored or misunderstood. We all want to feel understood by others, and it can be hurtful when someone can't or won't see things from our point of view. When we don't feel understood, it can be hard to trust the person and we might just stop talking to them instead of risking rejection. When the person is someone we're really close with, like a family member or partner, it can really mess up the relationship and even cause it to fall apart.

Principle #3: Incompletions distort our perception.

When we're feeling misunderstood, it's easy to start distorting the other person and seeing their flaws as bigger and more pronounced. We might start to exaggerate their negative traits and downplay their good ones, which can lead us to see them in a really negative light. That's what happened with my business partner, who went from being a trusted colleague and friend to a "crazy lady with a personality disorder" in my mind.

It's hard to heal from an incompletion. It's like this thing that's always nagging at us, whether it's because we never fully addressed it or because we tried to, but things got too tense and we couldn't resolve it. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt that hangs around, whether we're still relating or the relationship has come to an unhappy ending. We may try to move on and find someone new to replace the person we had the incompletion with, but we may just end up with the same issue again.

Principle #4: Pain that is acknowledged and felt can heal; pain that is ignored festers.

We can become aware of incompletions by paying attention to our feelings in our relationships. If something feels "off" or "not quite right," it could be a sign of an incompletion. Another way to spot incompletions is to think about our experiences and relationships and see if there are any problems or misunderstandings that have yet to be resolved. These might be causing tension or discomfort and could be signs of incompletions.

When we become aware of incompletions, it's important to be honest with ourselves about how they are affecting us. This may mean acknowledging and feeling the pain or discomfort caused by the unresolved issues or miscommunications. It can be difficult to let ourselves feel these emotions, especially if we've already shut down or disconnected from the person or relationship involved. However, ignoring these feelings doesn't make them go away; they stay hidden somewhere in our minds and bodies, weighing us down, dimming our spirits or dulling our clarity. But if we can confront these feelings, we can start to understand what it was that we were trying to say that wasn't being received, or what the other person was trying to express that we didn't understand.

Principle #5: To repair a relationship, we must be willing to listen first.

To repair the relationship, we have to be willing to take the first step and break the stalemate, even if it seems counterintuitive. This means putting our own hurt and frustration aside and really trying to listen and understand the other person's perspective. One way to do this is by saying something like "Okay, I'm willing to listen. Can you explain to me again what I've been ignoring or not hearing?"

When we're feeling misunderstood and hurt, it's natural to want to distance ourselves from the person who is causing us pain. But in order to resolve the feeling of being incomplete, the first and most difficult step is to be willing to listen to the other person's words, even when they haven't been willing to listen to ours. We might have to temporarily set aside our own hurt and frustration. By doing this, we give the other person a chance to express the storehouse of assumptions and disappointments.

Principle #6: Take a step back and try to see things from their point of view.

If we want to move past this issue, we need to try to see things from their perspective, even if it feels weird or we don't agree with them. We can't just brush off their feelings or thoughts because they don't align with our own. We need to try to understand where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. It's not about agreeing with them, but it's about acknowledging that they have a valid perspective based on their own experiences and background.

When we ask the other person to tell us what we have previously been deflecting or rejecting, we're attempting to step into their shoes, see their words from their point of view, and see how they would see circumstances the way they do. We want to hear their words and how their experience emerges from their personal experience of life.

Principle #7: Completing the past enables us to fully embrace the present in our relationships.

Once we sense that the other person can grasp our experience, our incompletion vanishes. We lose that nagging sense that something is incomplete in that relationship. We no longer feel that that person either doesn’t get us or doesn’t care to get us. As soon as that happens, we’re no longer caught in the past. We’re complete.

Melissa gets upset when she feels like the responsibilities in the household are not being shared equally, and her way of expressing this can sometimes be critical or shaming. This can make me resistant to understanding her perspective and acknowledging her feelings. However, when Melissa is able to understand and acknowledge the deeper impact of her words and the emotional baggage that it triggers in me, it can create a better understanding between us and allow me to be receptive to her needs.

When the incompletion is gone, we’re more available to get their world, to get their perspective. We’re more willing to put aside our need to be right but to understand them. When we’re understood, we naturally seek to understand one another. Somebody has to be willing to create the opportunity for the other person to empty out. Again, that move is counterintuitive but has the potential to generate profound relief.

When both people feel understood, it's like a weight is lifted and the relationship becomes easier and clearer. We can then work together to find new ways to avoid similar issues in the future and explore new possibilities. If there's no ease or lightness in the relationship, it means something has not been fully understood or acknowledged yet, and it may take more time and effort.

It's easy to ignore our thoughts and feelings or let misunderstandings slide, but doing so can cause problems and create distance between us and the people we care about. It may be tempting to avoid confrontation or try to sweep things under the rug, but if we don’t courageously step up and be willing to understand the other person, we likely won’t ever be understood ourselves. When we listen to and understand each other, we can heal and strengthen our relationships.

Summary:

• We must fully understand (but not necessarily agree with) one another for relationships to thrive. 

• When our expressions are ignored or rejected, not only does distrust build up in that relationship, but we are left feeling frustrated.

• Until we bring honesty and transparency to the relationships that matter most, we often find ourselves recreating the same turmoil in other relationships.

When We Feel Like We’re On Our Own

Are you constantly feeling burnt out from always having to support and help others? It may seem like your loved ones, friends, or team members are always leaning on you for time, energy and attention. It can be tough always having to be the one in charge, making decisions for everyone, and being the go-to person. It would be nice for once to have someone else be the go-to person and not always have to be in charge. Being the main one to guide and direct can be both tiring and unfulfilling.

Take Sara, for example, she runs a successful venture capital firm, but she's feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and decision-making that comes with being the boss. Despite having a team, she finds it hard to trust them and delegate tasks. She feels like she's the only one who can make things happen, and everyone depends on her. It's not just at work, though. She feels the same way in her personal life too. Her kids, husband, and family members are always asking her for advice and opinions on everything. It's like they can't make a move without her say-so. It's understandable that she's feeling the stress, and it's taking a toll on her health.

It's normal to have doubts about other people's abilities and to wonder if we can trust them. But when these doubts become so strong that they prevent us from trusting anyone, it can be a problem. At work, we might start to think that our colleagues aren't smart enough, experienced enough, motivated enough, or dedicated enough to do what we need them to do. At home, we might secretly start to wonder if our loved ones are selfish, unsupportive or just inept.

Deep down, we might wonder if this is just how things will always be - that we will forever be expected to focus on everyone else's needs. It can feel like a heavy burden, almost like carrying a ton of bricks. When it seems like we can't count on other people, we tend to believe that we're alone and that nobody's got our back. Instead of feeling like we have a team or a family of support around us, it feels like we're the only ones doing all the work.

The Dangers of Underestimating Others

Sara tends to treat her team members as if they were children rather than capable adults. She consistently micromanages them, preventing them from making mistakes and making decisions on their own. Her team members feel unable to make decisions independently and are afraid that if they do, they may face repercussions.

This tendency to micromanage and lack of trust in others also affects her personal life, particularly in her relationship with her husband. She finds it difficult to relinquish control and delegate household responsibilities to him, which leads to her dissatisfaction with the outcome when he does take charge. Furthermore, she worries that he may resent having to do the work in the first place, which preemptively makes her feel guilty.

When we underestimate the capabilities of others, we may treat them like children instead of adults. This behavior is not intentional, but it stems from a lack of trust, which leads to excessive interference, nitpicking or taking over. When we don't have confidence in their ability to handle tasks effectively, we may disregard their opinions, ideas or assistance. As a result, individuals who we expect to develop and grow are not given the support they need to do so.

Additionally, when we don't trust others, it can create an environment where they may be hesitant to express their doubts or admit to mistakes. They may fear that they will be seen as incompetent or that their mistakes will be met with negative consequences. This lack of trust can lead to a lack of communication and a lack of open dialogue. Furthermore, it can lead to a lack of confidence and cooperation among team members, which can negatively impact the overall performance of the team.

Uncovering the Root of Our Mistrust

If we don't investigate and initiate the process of healing the source of our mistrust, we may never be able to overcome it.

When Sara was a girl, she had to act like a grown-up and look after her dad, who was an alcoholic and her mom, who was a narcissist. Her parents depended on her to make sure her dad's drinking didn't get out of control, and her mom's need for emotional stability was always taken care of.

Growing up, a lot of us had to take on grown-up roles when the adults around us acted like kids. Maybe our parents had an addiction, mental health issues, or tough backgrounds. We might have had to step up and take care of our siblings, manage the household money, or manage our parents' emotional instability.

We often find ourselves taking on the responsibility of our siblings or filling in for our parents to ensure that our family is stable and functioning well. We may feel like we have no choice but to step up and take charge to maintain a sense of normalcy in our lives. The alternative is chaos, and there may not be anyone else to turn to. We take on these responsibilities in order to prevent things from getting worse. Without stepping up and taking control, our lives may have spiraled.

The Perils of Being a Caretaker

As a result of not being able to rely on others, we may develop an unhealthy view of ourselves, thinking that we are only valuable when we are constantly taking charge and doing things for others. This can be especially detrimental when we have to take on adult responsibilities and care for others at a young age. It can lead us to believe that our worth is solely based on our ability to focus on and take care of others and that taking care of ourselves is somehow wrong or selfish.

We may feel like we are being selfish or neglecting our responsibilities if we take time for ourselves. This can manifest in various ways, such as feeling guilty for taking a vacation or taking time to pursue personal hobbies or interests. This can cause us to constantly put others' needs before our own and neglect our own self-care or personal growth.

It's tough to find people we can trust and connect with when we're not used to trusting others. It can make it hard to pick out who we can rely on and who shares our values. This can make building healthy relationships and making good decisions about who we let into our lives difficult. It can also make it hard to be open and vulnerable in relationships, which is so important for building trust and intimacy.

We might also have trouble setting and sticking to boundaries.

In her personal life, Sara finds it tough to turn people down. She's always putting her family first - her kids, husband, sister, mom, and extended family - even if it means she doesn't get anything in return. That can make her feel taken advantage of and unappreciated, which eats away at her self-esteem.

Giving and not getting anything back in relationships can make anyone feel like they're being taken advantage of and mess with their self-confidence.

It's natural to be suspicious of other people's skills and reliability, but when that suspicion is all-encompassing, it's important to remember that these doubts usually come from our own insecurities, not from them. Our trust issues usually come from when we were kids and had to do more than we should've had to, like taking care of others when our parents couldn't.

When we're young, it's easy to go along with what other people want, but as grown-ups, it can be exhausting and make us feel like we're being taken advantage of if we're always helping out. It's important to get to the bottom of why we have trust issues, especially if they stem from our past. Once we recognize and understand these issues, we can start to work through them and create healthier relationships down the line.

Summary:

• Doubts about others' abilities can be normal, but when they prevent us from trusting anyone, it's not good.

• Trust issues often stem from childhood experiences, such as having to take on responsibilities beyond our age.

• Acknowledging and understanding these issues can help us build healthier relationships.