"The deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless ... beyond speech ... beyond concept."
- Thomas Merton
In this exploration, we will embark on a journey to understand and implement a novel concept: we-di-tation. Unlike traditional meditation, which focuses on the self, we-di-tation extends the reflective process to include others in a shared experience of mindfulness and connection.
We'll start by defining the concept of we-di-tation. Then we'll explore how it diverges from conventional meditation practices and underline its importance in creating deeper, more empathetic relationships. We'll discuss why this practice is so crucial—not only for our personal growth but also for societal harmony and collective awakening.
Then, we'll delve into practical steps for mastering this practice, from learning to shift our 'Spotlight of Attention' between the self and others to understanding the pitfalls of one-dimensional (1-D) listening and discovering the critical role of self-management in effectively applying we-di-tation.
Understanding and Applying We-Di-Tation
When we hear the word "meditation," our mind likely jumps to images of tranquil solitude, quiet spaces, and the attention directed toward our inner world. But we can also meditate within our relationships, not just in isolation. It can be a we-thing rather than just a me-thing. Not only can we "me-ditate," but we can also "we-di-tate."
We-di-tation is a practice that involves directing our meditative focus towards others and our shared experiences, as opposed to the inward focus of traditional meditation. Practicing we-di-tation flips the traditional idea of meditation on its head. Instead of turning inward, it's about opening up—making connections, relating to other people, even growing together as a community. It can revamp our relationships (for the better, of course!).
Taking this voyage of collective mindfulness is not just a pleasant idea; it has empirical backing. A notable study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in 2007 is a testament to the power of shared mindfulness practices. The research involved couples embarking on a mindfulness-based relationship enhancement program. The findings were illuminating and promising—a significant increase in relationship satisfaction, a sense of closeness, acceptance of one another, and autonomy.
This underscores the potential of shared mindfulness practices—such as we-di-tation—to forge stronger, more fulfilling interpersonal relationships. This transformation of solitude to unity, of silence to a shared melody, is the essence of we-di-tation. It suggests that we can extend the personal growth nurtured by meditation to include those around us and, in doing so, foster deeper, more empathetic connections.
We-di-tation is about deepening our interactions with others and fostering a sense of understanding and connection. It's turning our conversations into shared experiences of awareness and growth. The big idea? Be present, listen wholeheartedly, and manage our attention. This way, we-di-tation can transform our relationships and contribute to a collective awakening.
We-di-dating this way is about breaking down those invisible walls we tend to put between ourselves and others. Like meditation, when we we-ditate, we are 100% there. We're relating, soaking in their words, feelings, and world. It's about being with. We're sending them a signal that says, "Hey, I'm here with you right now." It's about reaching out, not withdrawing inward.
We-Di-Tation in Everyday Life and Beyond
We-di-tation bonds us with buddies, colleagues, and family. Instead of being lost in our thoughts or scrolling through our phones at the dinner table, we can consciously be present with our family. We listen to our children's stories of their day, engaging with questions and comments that show we're genuinely interested. We also self-manage any stress or fatigue from our day, ensuring it doesn't cloud our interaction with our loved ones.
Being present, curious, and actively listening signals that others matter. It shows we're willing to step out from the 'me show' and truly understand them from their side of the table. This attention creates the safety and trust we explored in the last section. When others feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their guard and become more open. That is where the magic happens. We-di-tation invites someone into a cozy space to connect, rather than standing on opposite sides of a high fence.
It also deepens connections and makes us better friends. For parents, we-di-tation deepens the connection with children. It's not just about helping them grow but also about getting to know them. As a leader at work or in the community, we-di-tation can help us understand the people we support.
During a team meeting, we can practice we-di-tation by listening attentively to each colleague's ideas, ensuring we understand their viewpoints rather than just waiting our turn to speak. Even if an idea doesn't align with ours, we can give them our full attention and respect their perspective. We also manage our inner dialogue by focusing our attention on the discussion at hand, not letting our minds wander to that impending deadline or our disagreement yesterday.
We-di-tation can lead to collective awakening and systemic change. Imagine a world where individuals understand each other deeply, where empathy and understanding are the norm rather than the exception. This might seem like a romantic ideal, but it's a possibility worth striving for, and we-di-tation is a step in the right direction.
We-di-tation goes beyond personal relationships; it can change the world. We could be looking at a collective awakening and major shifts in how we interact as a society. Imagine a world where everyone truly gets each other, where empathy isn't a rare gem but as common as our morning cup of joe. While it might seem like a pipe-dream, it's one worth chasing. Every time we practice we-di-tation, we take a step towards that reality.
The Spotlight of Attention
Learning to we-di-tate involves the same process as acquiring a new skill, such as cooking or playing the guitar. We have to practice, learn, and apply certain techniques, and it's the same with this kind of meditation.
Just like meditation, the key is awareness. We want to imagine our attention to be like a giant, super-powered spotlight. Wherever that spotlight shines, it brings clarity and detail. It lights up the stage, showing us what's really going on. That's what happens when we apply a meditative approach to relating with others. We're directing our inner spotlight, sometimes inward and sometimes outward.
Think of it this way: If we’re at a theater, and the spotlight operator focuses only on one actor the entire time, we would miss a significant part of the performance. In the same way, if we only focus on one aspect of relating, we miss out on understanding the full picture. We want to learn to shift that spotlight around, highlighting different parts of our internal and external experiences, giving us a fuller understanding of ourselves, others and the spaces we occupy and co-create with.
We don't just turn on the spotlight and leave it to shine in one place. The real trick is learning how to maneuver that spotlight, to move it around and illuminate different things at different times. Maybe one moment, it's shining on our emotions. The next, it might be lighting up the whole environment. The next, it could be lasering it onto another's words.
This kind of skill doesn't usually come naturally. It takes a bit of effort at first, but once we get the hang of it, it becomes a natural part of navigating the world of relating.
1-D Listening
Sometimes in a movie, a voiceover narrates the main character's thoughts and feelings. Their internal dialogue is the star of the show. That's what 1-D listening is like. Imagine we are in a conversation with a partner who's telling us about their day. But instead of hearing what they're saying, we're half-listening while thinking about what we’ll cook for dinner or how we'll finish that big work project. We’re there, but we're not really there.
We're more tuned in to our own thoughts and feelings than to the person in front of us. The following are common examples of how we listen in 1-D:
"I wonder if I remembered to turn off the stove at home."
"This story is boring. I can't wait to change the topic."
"I wish they would stop talking so I can share my news."
"I'm uncomfortable with this conversation; I need to find a way out."
"I disagree with what they're saying, but I'll just nod along until it's my turn to speak."
And when we listen to the voices in our heads, it's like we're relating to ourselves more than to the other person. Without we-di-tation, our relationships are like a dimly lit stage instead of a vibrant theater performance. They're missing that depth and richness of truly connecting with someone else.
Now, I'm not saying we should totally ignore our own experiences because they're important too. There's no argument that our own wants and needs play a significant role in our decision-making process. They serve as our personal GPS, guiding us to make choices that align with our unique path. Whether it involves selecting a career that aligns with our aspirations or finding a compatible life partner, being in tune with our own thoughts and feelings is crucial.
Also, understanding our own boundaries is akin to having a personal alarm system. They notify us when something doesn't feel right or we are venturing outside our comfort zone, allowing us to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Moreover, comprehending our own thoughts and feelings empowers us to prioritize our well-being, advocate for our needs, and take charge of our own lives.
However, it's a bit like sitting in a theater and only watching one actor when there's an entire ensemble performing. Sure, the drumbeat is important, but we're missing out on the guitar, the bass, and the vocals. We're not really experiencing the full richness of the music.
The same goes for our relationships. During a disagreement with our partner, instead of getting defensive or retreating into silence, we can apply the principles of we-di-tation. We can listen to their concerns without interrupting or formulating our rebuttal in our minds. We manage our emotional responses and remain open and engaged. We strive to understand their feelings, signaling that we value their perspective.
When we only focus the spotlight on ourselves, we fail to illuminate those around us. And in doing so, we miss out on the beautiful symphony of human connection.
Self-Management
This is where the art of self-management comes in. Think of self-management as operating the spotlight in a theater of conversation. This spotlight represents our attention, and we're in charge of controlling where it shines. Sometimes, the spotlight might wander and illuminate the backstage of our mind, highlighting thoughts of self-doubt or distractions. These elements are a part of the show too - they have their roles, their own importance - but they're not always the main act.
Mastering the spotlight means recognizing when it has strayed and gently guiding it back onto the lead actor, in this case, the person we're engaged with. Sometimes, the light might get a little shaky, especially if the conversation is challenging or a previous discussion has unsettled us. That's when we tap into our toolkit of grounding rituals, stabilizers that help refocus the light, like slow, conscious breathing.
Once in a while, the spotlight might not be functioning at its best. It's in these moments that transparency comes into play. Just as a good theater crew would communicate any technical issues, if we cannot bring our full presence to the conversation, it's okay to say so.
Remember, though, controlling the spotlight is not about completely shutting off the backstage lights of our thoughts and feelings. It's about acknowledging them and also making a conscious choice to keep the same amount or most of the light on the main stage. This skill takes practice, but with time, we become better at it.
And don't forget, operating the spotlight isn't done out of obligation but out of love for the show. Maneuvering the spotlight is an act of love. We do it because we care about the entire performance, not just our part. When we focus our spotlight with a spirit of genuine curiosity, it not only creates a better experience for the person we're listening to, but it also enriches our own lives.
Embarking on Our We-Di-Tation Journey
Let's explore how to jump into it and make we-di-tation our own. The best part about we-di-tation is its simplicity - no need for fancy gadgets or a special place. All we need is to be present, along with a buddy or a group who's up for the ride and the spotlight of our attention.
It can help to start by checking in with ourselves, asking how we're doing. Are we feeling calm and clear, jumpy and agitated, or dull and heavy? We're just noticing without judging ourselves. Once we've got a handle on our vibe, it's time to shine the spotlight onto our fellow we-di-tators. We're listening to their words, picking up on the tone of their voice, watching their facial expressions, and observing their body language.
Next, it's all about balancing our attention. We want to keep toggling our focus from us to them and back again. We're keeping an eye on how their dialogue influences our mood and how our listening quality affects them. We might have judgmental or distracting thoughts popping up. We want to acknowledge them but avoid identifying with them.
Keep in mind, we-di-tation isn't a one-and-done deal. It's a skill that gets better the more we do it. If, at first, it's a little tough to stay present with others, we can cut ourselves some slack. Stick with it, and we'll soon find it's easier to connect with others, build stronger bonds and grow together.
Now, go on and give it a whirl!