We-Di-Tation: Unveiling the Power of Shared Mindfulness for Deeper Connections

"The deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless ... beyond speech ... beyond concept." 

- Thomas Merton

In this exploration, we will embark on a journey to understand and implement a novel concept: we-di-tation. Unlike traditional meditation, which focuses on the self, we-di-tation extends the reflective process to include others in a shared experience of mindfulness and connection.

We'll start by defining the concept of we-di-tation. Then we'll explore how it diverges from conventional meditation practices and underline its importance in creating deeper, more empathetic relationships. We'll discuss why this practice is so crucial—not only for our personal growth but also for societal harmony and collective awakening.

Then, we'll delve into practical steps for mastering this practice, from learning to shift our 'Spotlight of Attention' between the self and others to understanding the pitfalls of one-dimensional (1-D) listening and discovering the critical role of self-management in effectively applying we-di-tation.

Understanding and Applying We-Di-Tation

When we hear the word "meditation," our mind likely jumps to images of tranquil solitude, quiet spaces, and the attention directed toward our inner world. But we can also meditate within our relationships, not just in isolation. It can be a we-thing rather than just a me-thing. Not only can we "me-ditate," but we can also "we-di-tate." 

We-di-tation is a practice that involves directing our meditative focus towards others and our shared experiences, as opposed to the inward focus of traditional meditation. Practicing we-di-tation flips the traditional idea of meditation on its head. Instead of turning inward, it's about opening up—making connections, relating to other people, even growing together as a community. It can revamp our relationships (for the better, of course!).

Taking this voyage of collective mindfulness is not just a pleasant idea; it has empirical backing. A notable study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in 2007 is a testament to the power of shared mindfulness practices. The research involved couples embarking on a mindfulness-based relationship enhancement program. The findings were illuminating and promising—a significant increase in relationship satisfaction, a sense of closeness, acceptance of one another, and autonomy. 

This underscores the potential of shared mindfulness practices—such as we-di-tation—to forge stronger, more fulfilling interpersonal relationships. This transformation of solitude to unity, of silence to a shared melody, is the essence of we-di-tation. It suggests that we can extend the personal growth nurtured by meditation to include those around us and, in doing so, foster deeper, more empathetic connections.

We-di-tation is about deepening our interactions with others and fostering a sense of understanding and connection. It's turning our conversations into shared experiences of awareness and growth. The big idea? Be present, listen wholeheartedly, and manage our attention. This way, we-di-tation can transform our relationships and contribute to a collective awakening. 

We-di-dating this way is about breaking down those invisible walls we tend to put between ourselves and others. Like meditation, when we we-ditate, we are 100% there. We're relating, soaking in their words, feelings, and world. It's about being with. We're sending them a signal that says, "Hey, I'm here with you right now." It's about reaching out, not withdrawing inward. 

We-Di-Tation in Everyday Life and Beyond 

We-di-tation bonds us with buddies, colleagues, and family. Instead of being lost in our thoughts or scrolling through our phones at the dinner table, we can consciously be present with our family. We listen to our children's stories of their day, engaging with questions and comments that show we're genuinely interested. We also self-manage any stress or fatigue from our day, ensuring it doesn't cloud our interaction with our loved ones.

Being present, curious, and actively listening signals that others matter. It shows we're willing to step out from the 'me show' and truly understand them from their side of the table. This attention creates the safety and trust we explored in the last section. When others feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their guard and become more open. That is where the magic happens. We-di-tation invites someone into a cozy space to connect, rather than standing on opposite sides of a high fence. 

It also deepens connections and makes us better friends. For parents, we-di-tation deepens the connection with children. It's not just about helping them grow but also about getting to know them. As a leader at work or in the community, we-di-tation can help us understand the people we support. 

During a team meeting, we can practice we-di-tation by listening attentively to each colleague's ideas, ensuring we understand their viewpoints rather than just waiting our turn to speak. Even if an idea doesn't align with ours, we can give them our full attention and respect their perspective. We also manage our inner dialogue by focusing our attention on the discussion at hand, not letting our minds wander to that impending deadline or our disagreement yesterday.

We-di-tation can lead to collective awakening and systemic change. Imagine a world where individuals understand each other deeply, where empathy and understanding are the norm rather than the exception. This might seem like a romantic ideal, but it's a possibility worth striving for, and we-di-tation is a step in the right direction.

We-di-tation goes beyond personal relationships; it can change the world. We could be looking at a collective awakening and major shifts in how we interact as a society. Imagine a world where everyone truly gets each other, where empathy isn't a rare gem but as common as our morning cup of joe. While it might seem like a pipe-dream, it's one worth chasing. Every time we practice we-di-tation, we take a step towards that reality. 

The Spotlight of Attention

Learning to we-di-tate involves the same process as acquiring a new skill, such as cooking or playing the guitar. We have to practice, learn, and apply certain techniques, and it's the same with this kind of meditation.

Just like meditation, the key is awareness. We want to imagine our attention to be like a giant, super-powered spotlight. Wherever that spotlight shines, it brings clarity and detail. It lights up the stage, showing us what's really going on. That's what happens when we apply a meditative approach to relating with others. We're directing our inner spotlight, sometimes inward and sometimes outward. 

Think of it this way: If we’re at a theater, and the spotlight operator focuses only on one actor the entire time, we would miss a significant part of the performance. In the same way, if we only focus on one aspect of relating, we miss out on understanding the full picture. We want to learn to shift that spotlight around, highlighting different parts of our internal and external experiences, giving us a fuller understanding of ourselves, others and the spaces we occupy and co-create with.

We don't just turn on the spotlight and leave it to shine in one place. The real trick is learning how to maneuver that spotlight, to move it around and illuminate different things at different times. Maybe one moment, it's shining on our emotions. The next, it might be lighting up the whole environment. The next, it could be lasering it onto another's words.

This kind of skill doesn't usually come naturally. It takes a bit of effort at first, but once we get the hang of it, it becomes a natural part of navigating the world of relating. 

1-D Listening

Sometimes in a movie, a voiceover narrates the main character's thoughts and feelings. Their internal dialogue is the star of the show. That's what 1-D listening is like. Imagine we are in a conversation with a partner who's telling us about their day. But instead of hearing what they're saying, we're half-listening while thinking about what we’ll cook for dinner or how we'll finish that big work project. We’re there, but we're not really there. 

We're more tuned in to our own thoughts and feelings than to the person in front of us. The following are common examples of how we listen in 1-D: 

• "I wonder if I remembered to turn off the stove at home."

• "This story is boring. I can't wait to change the topic."

• "I wish they would stop talking so I can share my news."

• "I'm uncomfortable with this conversation; I need to find a way out."

• "I disagree with what they're saying, but I'll just nod along until it's my turn to speak."

And when we listen to the voices in our heads, it's like we're relating to ourselves more than to the other person. Without we-di-tation, our relationships are like a dimly lit stage instead of a vibrant theater performance. They're missing that depth and richness of truly connecting with someone else.

Now, I'm not saying we should totally ignore our own experiences because they're important too. There's no argument that our own wants and needs play a significant role in our decision-making process. They serve as our personal GPS, guiding us to make choices that align with our unique path. Whether it involves selecting a career that aligns with our aspirations or finding a compatible life partner, being in tune with our own thoughts and feelings is crucial.

Also, understanding our own boundaries is akin to having a personal alarm system. They notify us when something doesn't feel right or we are venturing outside our comfort zone, allowing us to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Moreover, comprehending our own thoughts and feelings empowers us to prioritize our well-being, advocate for our needs, and take charge of our own lives.

However, it's a bit like sitting in a theater and only watching one actor when there's an entire ensemble performing. Sure, the drumbeat is important, but we're missing out on the guitar, the bass, and the vocals. We're not really experiencing the full richness of the music.

The same goes for our relationships. During a disagreement with our partner, instead of getting defensive or retreating into silence, we can apply the principles of we-di-tation. We can listen to their concerns without interrupting or formulating our rebuttal in our minds. We manage our emotional responses and remain open and engaged. We strive to understand their feelings, signaling that we value their perspective.

When we only focus the spotlight on ourselves, we fail to illuminate those around us. And in doing so, we miss out on the beautiful symphony of human connection. 

Self-Management

This is where the art of self-management comes in. Think of self-management as operating the spotlight in a theater of conversation. This spotlight represents our attention, and we're in charge of controlling where it shines. Sometimes, the spotlight might wander and illuminate the backstage of our mind, highlighting thoughts of self-doubt or distractions. These elements are a part of the show too - they have their roles, their own importance - but they're not always the main act.

Mastering the spotlight means recognizing when it has strayed and gently guiding it back onto the lead actor, in this case, the person we're engaged with. Sometimes, the light might get a little shaky, especially if the conversation is challenging or a previous discussion has unsettled us. That's when we tap into our toolkit of grounding rituals, stabilizers that help refocus the light, like slow, conscious breathing.

Once in a while, the spotlight might not be functioning at its best. It's in these moments that transparency comes into play. Just as a good theater crew would communicate any technical issues, if we cannot bring our full presence to the conversation, it's okay to say so.

Remember, though, controlling the spotlight is not about completely shutting off the backstage lights of our thoughts and feelings. It's about acknowledging them and also making a conscious choice to keep the same amount or most of the light on the main stage. This skill takes practice, but with time, we become better at it.

And don't forget, operating the spotlight isn't done out of obligation but out of love for the show. Maneuvering the spotlight is an act of love. We do it because we care about the entire performance, not just our part. When we focus our spotlight with a spirit of genuine curiosity, it not only creates a better experience for the person we're listening to, but it also enriches our own lives.

Embarking on Our We-Di-Tation Journey

Let's explore how to jump into it and make we-di-tation our own. The best part about we-di-tation is its simplicity - no need for fancy gadgets or a special place. All we need is to be present, along with a buddy or a group who's up for the ride and the spotlight of our attention.

It can help to start by checking in with ourselves, asking how we're doing. Are we feeling calm and clear, jumpy and agitated, or dull and heavy? We're just noticing without judging ourselves. Once we've got a handle on our vibe, it's time to shine the spotlight onto our fellow we-di-tators. We're listening to their words, picking up on the tone of their voice, watching their facial expressions, and observing their body language.

Next, it's all about balancing our attention. We want to keep toggling our focus from us to them and back again. We're keeping an eye on how their dialogue influences our mood and how our listening quality affects them. We might have judgmental or distracting thoughts popping up. We want to acknowledge them but avoid identifying with them.

Keep in mind, we-di-tation isn't a one-and-done deal. It's a skill that gets better the more we do it. If, at first, it's a little tough to stay present with others, we can cut ourselves some slack. Stick with it, and we'll soon find it's easier to connect with others, build stronger bonds and grow together. 

Now, go on and give it a whirl!

The Unspoken Assumptions of Relationships

The Buddha's teaching on the First Noble Truth is that suffering, or dukkha in the Pali language, is an inherent part of life. This includes not just physical pain but also the suffering that arises from change, separation from what we love, and the inability to obtain what we desire. The Buddha's message exposes a basic blind spot within society, even 2500 years ago, by challenging the hidden belief that if we're unhappy or suffering somehow, something must be wrong. His message was that no, there isn't something wrong with us, and we can expect life to be filled with ups and downs. What a relief. We don't have to pretend that everything's always awesome and wonderful, and we don't have to feel bad about ourselves when it isn't. 

In many ways, you could say the same thing about relationships. Relationships might not be suffering exactly, but they can be inherently disappointing. Sometimes it's us who changes, and sometimes it's them. Either way, if we are attached to a particular form of relating and try to hold on, we inevitably suffer. Another way that relationships can be dissatisfying is when there is a mismatch in values between the two people. For example, if one person values honesty and open communication, but the other person values keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation, it might lead to conflicts in the relationship.

The most common way relationships can bring about dissatisfaction is that we have expectations that don't get met. We often have expectations of how we want our relationships to be, and when these expectations are not met, it can lead to suffering and dissatisfaction. For example, we might have expectations about how our colleagues should behave, contribute to the team, or what they should do in certain situations. We might also have expectations about their roles and responsibilities or how they should support and communicate with us. When our expectations are not met, it can lead to dissatisfaction and frustration.

Phase 1: The Enchantment

All relationships, whether they are romantic or professional, start the same way. In the beginning, things seem perfect, and the relationship will work out. During the initial enchantment phase of a relationship, people often feel highly connected and positive about the relationship. They may experience a high degree of openness and trust. Everything seems to be going smoothly, and people feel deeply connected and in sync. 

Phase 2: Unmet Expectations

But what do we know about enchantment? At some point, we wake up and experience disenchantment. Why does the spell where off in our relationships? It does so because it is of our expectations. We generate expectations about one another, are not explicit about our expectations and are inevitably disappointed. These expectations take shape below the level of our everyday awareness. We don't even realize we're doing it. 

In a relationship, unmet expectations can affect the potential for experiencing complete openness and trust. Imagine a puzzle with all the pieces fitting together perfectly, representing a relationship where these qualities are fully present. Whenever someone in the relationship has an unfulfilled expectation, it's like adding a piece that doesn't fit into the puzzle, disrupting the sense of connection and trust. 

Trust decreases as disappointments mount. Initially, though, it might not feel so bad. The relationship might not be as alive as it was during the enchantment phase. We may not be as eager to be open. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, as disappointments keep building up, the level of connection declines. With it, so does our openness. We might feel a sense of distance or disconnection. Perhaps we are less invested or motivated to communicate or connect with them. We might feel like the relationship is not as close or fulfilling as it once was. 

Phase 3: The Breakdown

As the disappointments continue to add up, our mind starts playing a very interesting game with us: we lose respect. Once we have lost respect for someone, the relationship moves into the decline phase. We might view them as unreliable, untrustworthy or incompetent. We may start to second-guess their intentions or ability to follow through on their commitments. We may even consider them unintelligent. We might then treat them with less consideration or kindness and be less inclined to show them care. We might also be more prone to criticize or blame them or become less patient or understanding. 

If you observe your thoughts and feelings when a relationship has entered a phase of decline or breakdown, you may notice that your perception of the other person becomes more negative and one-dimensional. You might categorize them in an unflattering way. We lose our ability to see the other person in a nuanced way and instead view them one-dimensionally. Rather than human beings with various qualities, they might be stupid, vindictive, manipulative, dishonest, or unfaithful. It takes conscious effort to remember that the person who has disappointed us is human and fallible. 

When disappointments in a relationship become severe enough, they can trigger our fight or flight response, activating the amygdala and causing a surge of adrenaline. We might react by lashing out, becoming aggressive (fight response), withdrawing or distancing ourselves from the situation (flight response) or feeling paralyzed and unable to take action (freeze response). 

Phase 4: The Repair

One issue with expectations is that we don't always communicate them clearly to others. Another, and maybe the more important, is that we may not even realize that we have certain expectations until we have been disappointed. Then when that happens, we don't tell the truth. We do no one a favor when we hold back, certainly not ourselves or our relationships. Whenever we hold back in a relationship, we can be sure that it will go into a form of decline.

Identifying past hurts or disappointments is important to address issues in our relationships. We can do this by identifying and articulating what we were assuming, hoping, and expecting. Once we understand our own expectations, we may realize that the breakdown in the relationship was not necessarily all the other person's fault but rather a lack of clarity on our part and that we never conveyed our expectations to the other person in the first place.

Just as suffering is inherent in life, so is dissatisfaction in our relationships. The Buddha believed that we suffer in life because of our attachment to impermanent things and experiences. Similarly, we experience dissatisfaction in our relationships because we expect others to act in certain ways. We assume that they have the same expectations we have. We might even believe they should be able to read our minds about the expectations we have for them. Relationships don't have to be disappointing. It would be nice if we could eliminate our tendency to generate expectations of the people in our lives, but we cannot. We all have preferences. We all desire others to behave in a certain way or have certain qualities or characteristics. If we hope to transform the disappointments in our relationships into understanding, it starts by clarifying what we were expecting in the first place. And then the obvious next step is to communicate it.

Summary:

• Suffering is an inherent part of life, including disappointments in relationships. 

• Disappointments occur because we are not explicit about what we assume, hope or expect, either with ourselves or them. 

• If we never pay attention or are explicit about what we expect in our relationships, we can be sure that they will decline.