The Buddha's teaching on the First Noble Truth is that suffering, or dukkha in the Pali language, is an inherent part of life. This includes not just physical pain but also the suffering that arises from change, separation from what we love, and the inability to obtain what we desire. The Buddha's message exposes a basic blind spot within society, even 2500 years ago, by challenging the hidden belief that if we're unhappy or suffering somehow, something must be wrong. His message was that no, there isn't something wrong with us, and we can expect life to be filled with ups and downs. What a relief. We don't have to pretend that everything's always awesome and wonderful, and we don't have to feel bad about ourselves when it isn't.
In many ways, you could say the same thing about relationships. Relationships might not be suffering exactly, but they can be inherently disappointing. Sometimes it's us who changes, and sometimes it's them. Either way, if we are attached to a particular form of relating and try to hold on, we inevitably suffer. Another way that relationships can be dissatisfying is when there is a mismatch in values between the two people. For example, if one person values honesty and open communication, but the other person values keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation, it might lead to conflicts in the relationship.
The most common way relationships can bring about dissatisfaction is that we have expectations that don't get met. We often have expectations of how we want our relationships to be, and when these expectations are not met, it can lead to suffering and dissatisfaction. For example, we might have expectations about how our colleagues should behave, contribute to the team, or what they should do in certain situations. We might also have expectations about their roles and responsibilities or how they should support and communicate with us. When our expectations are not met, it can lead to dissatisfaction and frustration.
Phase 1: The Enchantment
All relationships, whether they are romantic or professional, start the same way. In the beginning, things seem perfect, and the relationship will work out. During the initial enchantment phase of a relationship, people often feel highly connected and positive about the relationship. They may experience a high degree of openness and trust. Everything seems to be going smoothly, and people feel deeply connected and in sync.
Phase 2: Unmet Expectations
But what do we know about enchantment? At some point, we wake up and experience disenchantment. Why does the spell where off in our relationships? It does so because it is of our expectations. We generate expectations about one another, are not explicit about our expectations and are inevitably disappointed. These expectations take shape below the level of our everyday awareness. We don't even realize we're doing it.
In a relationship, unmet expectations can affect the potential for experiencing complete openness and trust. Imagine a puzzle with all the pieces fitting together perfectly, representing a relationship where these qualities are fully present. Whenever someone in the relationship has an unfulfilled expectation, it's like adding a piece that doesn't fit into the puzzle, disrupting the sense of connection and trust.
Trust decreases as disappointments mount. Initially, though, it might not feel so bad. The relationship might not be as alive as it was during the enchantment phase. We may not be as eager to be open. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, as disappointments keep building up, the level of connection declines. With it, so does our openness. We might feel a sense of distance or disconnection. Perhaps we are less invested or motivated to communicate or connect with them. We might feel like the relationship is not as close or fulfilling as it once was.
Phase 3: The Breakdown
As the disappointments continue to add up, our mind starts playing a very interesting game with us: we lose respect. Once we have lost respect for someone, the relationship moves into the decline phase. We might view them as unreliable, untrustworthy or incompetent. We may start to second-guess their intentions or ability to follow through on their commitments. We may even consider them unintelligent. We might then treat them with less consideration or kindness and be less inclined to show them care. We might also be more prone to criticize or blame them or become less patient or understanding.
If you observe your thoughts and feelings when a relationship has entered a phase of decline or breakdown, you may notice that your perception of the other person becomes more negative and one-dimensional. You might categorize them in an unflattering way. We lose our ability to see the other person in a nuanced way and instead view them one-dimensionally. Rather than human beings with various qualities, they might be stupid, vindictive, manipulative, dishonest, or unfaithful. It takes conscious effort to remember that the person who has disappointed us is human and fallible.
When disappointments in a relationship become severe enough, they can trigger our fight or flight response, activating the amygdala and causing a surge of adrenaline. We might react by lashing out, becoming aggressive (fight response), withdrawing or distancing ourselves from the situation (flight response) or feeling paralyzed and unable to take action (freeze response).
Phase 4: The Repair
One issue with expectations is that we don't always communicate them clearly to others. Another, and maybe the more important, is that we may not even realize that we have certain expectations until we have been disappointed. Then when that happens, we don't tell the truth. We do no one a favor when we hold back, certainly not ourselves or our relationships. Whenever we hold back in a relationship, we can be sure that it will go into a form of decline.
Identifying past hurts or disappointments is important to address issues in our relationships. We can do this by identifying and articulating what we were assuming, hoping, and expecting. Once we understand our own expectations, we may realize that the breakdown in the relationship was not necessarily all the other person's fault but rather a lack of clarity on our part and that we never conveyed our expectations to the other person in the first place.
Just as suffering is inherent in life, so is dissatisfaction in our relationships. The Buddha believed that we suffer in life because of our attachment to impermanent things and experiences. Similarly, we experience dissatisfaction in our relationships because we expect others to act in certain ways. We assume that they have the same expectations we have. We might even believe they should be able to read our minds about the expectations we have for them. Relationships don't have to be disappointing. It would be nice if we could eliminate our tendency to generate expectations of the people in our lives, but we cannot. We all have preferences. We all desire others to behave in a certain way or have certain qualities or characteristics. If we hope to transform the disappointments in our relationships into understanding, it starts by clarifying what we were expecting in the first place. And then the obvious next step is to communicate it.
Summary:
Suffering is an inherent part of life, including disappointments in relationships.
Disappointments occur because we are not explicit about what we assume, hope or expect, either with ourselves or them.
If we never pay attention or are explicit about what we expect in our relationships, we can be sure that they will decline.