Have you ever had a hard time giving someone the benefit of the doubt, particularly when they’ve disappointed or hurt you? It can be tough to open our minds and hearts to others’ experiences, especially if they challenge our own beliefs. But have you ever stopped to consider that this difficulty in seeing things from someone else’s perspective might be a fundamental blind spot in your understanding of yourself or the world around you?
It's easy to get caught up in the idea that our perceptions are the be-all and end-all, but let's be real - we're just a bunch of flawed humans trying to make sense of one another. We see what we want to see, and our explanations and interpretations are often influenced by our own biases and experiences.
It's like we're all walking around with our own little filters on, distorting one another in our own unique way, and we're all convinced that who we see through those goggles is the only truth. But the thing is, we're all seeing the same people, but we're each interpreting one another in our own way.
Principle #1: Even though we believe we see others clearly, in reality they are not always as they appear.
It's natural to have our own perspectives and interpretations of one another, but it's important to recognize that these perceptions may not always be accurate. Have you ever heard a rumor about someone and automatically assumed it was true, only to later find out that it was completely false? Or have you ever had a disagreement with a friend or family member and found it hard to see their perspective, even when they presented valid points?
It's possible that our understanding of the world is limited and that there isn't a single objective truth that we can all accurately perceive. We all have biases and preconceptions that prevent us from seeing the full picture. Even though we may acknowledge that we don't have a complete understanding of reality, it's still difficult for us to break free from our narrow perspective. These biases and limited perspectives prevent us from seeing one another as they truly are. If we're not aware of them in our relationships, we risk misunderstandings, communication breakdowns, and conflicts that could have been avoided.
Principle #2: In the absence of information about what’s going on with another, we make up stories that have little to do with reality.
The language we use and the stories we tell ourselves about one another shape our understanding of our relationships. We're not just describing what we experience in them. The language we use forms our entire comprehension of who they are to us. We observe the people in our lives through the filter of the stories we tell ourselves about them.
We don’t want to admit, but we’re just making stuff up because whatever story we tell is going to be limited. We are all much more than the characterizations others make of us. Imagine you have a colleague at work who always seems to be in a bad mood. You might start telling yourself a story that this colleague is difficult to work with, or that they don't like you. However, the reality might be that this colleague is dealing with financial stress and having difficulty making ends meet. If you don't take the time to try and understand what’s happening for them, you risk damaging your relationship and missing out on the opportunity to be a supportive colleague.
Melissa and I have dear friends who recently moved to another state. During COVID lockdown, they were in our close circle of friends. Melissa's birthday recently passed, and while the husband reached out to wish her a happy birthday, the wife did not. Melissa has been feeling hurt and disappointed, and has assumed that our dear friend has written us off.
It's easy to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about others' actions or intentions, especially when we're feeling hurt or vulnerable. We don't always have all of the information and it's possible that there could be a reasonable explanation for someone's behavior. If we let the stories we tell about a situation or an interaction determine our point of view, we run the risk of misunderstanding what might actually be happening.
There are other ways to understand what might be going on with our friend. One possibility is that she simply forgot or got caught up in other things and didn't mean to hurt Melissa's feelings. Another possibility is that she's going through a tough time and hasn’t told us. Alternatively, there could be some underlying issue in their relationship that Melissa isn’t aware of.
If we don’t know what’s going on, we tend to think the worst. This is a basic blind spot we have. In the absence of information we make up stories that have little to do with reality. We tend to jump to conclusions that lead to unnecessary hurt or conflict. We can't always know what's going on in someone else's head or heart, even though we assume we can. Before creating more conflict than needed, it’s important to bring an awareness to the stories we tell ourselves, to recognize that they may only be partially accurate or not at all.
Principle #3: The stories we tell about others shape how we relate to them.
Here’s why awareness of our stories can be so important: Our actions in life are always a response to the stories we tell.
Melissa’s choice of action will greatly depend on the story she tells herself about their lack of communication on her birthday. If Melissa tells herself a story that our friend doesn't care about her or that their relationship is no longer meaningful, she may decide to distance herself and reduce their interaction, continue the relationship but hold onto resentment, or engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Alternatively, a story that promotes understanding and the value of relationship repair might lead Melissa to choose to communicate with our friend and try to resolve any underlying issues in their relationship.
It all depends on whether Melissa would be willing to reframe the story she has about our friend. She could either continue to assume that our friend has written us off, or she might consider the following alternatives:
"I value this relationship and I want to work on any issues we might have."
"I believe that open and honest communication is important for the health of a relationship."
"I don't want to assume the worst and risk damaging the relationship without trying to find out what's really going on."
"I don't want to let my own feelings of hurt or resentment fester and potentially lead to a breakdown of the relationship."
"I want to be proactive and take ownership of my own feelings and actions, rather than reacting to the situation in a negative way."
All of these reframes will help her to take actions that might help her find resolution with our friend.
Setting Clear Boundaries
This isn’t to suggest that every relationship deserves a second or third chance, particularly when someone's behavior continues to be hurtful or disrespectful after we have tried to communicate openly and address any issues. In such cases, setting clear boundaries can help to protect our well-being and self-respect and might also communicate to them that their behavior is unacceptable.
We will be exploring boundaries in future modules, but suffice to say that boundaries help us to feel more in control of our own lives and can help us to better understand and assert our own needs and wants. It's also important to consider that setting boundaries doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship. It can simply mean setting limits on the behavior that we are willing to tolerate or the amount of energy and emotional labor we are willing to invest in the relationship.
We don’t tend to think that the way we interact with others correlates to the stories we tell or the assumptions we make, but we do. If we're not aware of the stories that shape our understanding of an interaction, we may be unable to respond skillfully and may become stuck in fixed, narrow perspectives. This can prevent us from seeing the full picture and inevitably lead to conflict or suffering.
This means acknowledging that our understanding of a situation or an interaction may not be complete and that there may be other perspectives or factors at play that we are not aware of. By being open to the possibility that our understanding is limited, we can be more understanding towards others, as we recognize that their actions may be based on their own limited understanding and that they, too, may be telling themselves stories.
Summary:
Our biases and experiences can distort our perceptions of others.
It's easy to assume that we’re right.
We have to be careful of this tendency because the stories we tell ourselves determine our reactions to them.