Dancing to the Same Rhythm: Leadership Through Understanding, Empathy, & Influence

When it comes to achieving something truly significant in our complex and interconnected world, it's all about the relationships we build with others. No one can expect to reach the height of success all on their own. That's where the power of human cooperation comes into play – it's a beautiful dance of collaboration, teamwork, and shared ambition.

The Evolution of Leadership

Have you ever noticed those people who have that natural charm? They have this innate ability to inspire others and rally them behind a cause. Their presence alone creates this magnetic force that captures people's attention, persuades the undecided, and even turns opponents into allies. It's pretty amazing to witness.

Fred Rogers, more famously known as Mr. Rogers from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" wasn't your typical business mogul or tech pioneer, but this man sure knew how to draw people in. Fred had a way of talking - whether it was to children or adults - that made you feel like you were the most important person in the world.

He had a knack for understanding and communicating, which is an integral part of leadership and persuasion. He didn't use any fancy jargon or executive power moves. He used genuine care, empathy, and respect to connect with people.

One thing that stands out about his approach is that he believed in the power of learning from others. He once said, "The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self." That means he was all about authenticity and about learning from everyone around him. In his neighborhood, every person, every idea, every story had value. Persuasion doesn't always have to be about being the loudest voice in the room; sometimes, it's about being the most understanding one.

Back in the day, bosses used to get things done by simply pulling the authority card. They'd flex their big titles, expecting everyone to toe the line just because they were the top dog in the company. It was all about who sat in the corner office and who didn't. 

Today, we're living in a different world. We have cross-functional teams, joint ventures, and all kinds of partnerships that have shaken up the corporate ladder. Everyone's playing on the same field now, and the lines between who is the boss and who's not have gotten a whole lot fuzzier.

You can't just walk in with your fancy title and expect everyone to fall in line. It's just not going to fly. People want to feel valued, heard, and respected. 

The old "do as I say because I'm the boss" routine is seen as pretty demeaning these days. Instead, it's all about collaboration and teamwork. It's about understanding that great ideas can come from anywhere, not just from the folks in the boardroom. This new way of doing things means leaders need more than just a big title to earn respect and get things done - they need to be genuinely open, engaging, and, most importantly, persuasive. 

The Science of Persuasion & The Role of Empathy

The name of the game now is soft skills, things like persuasion and influence. It's all about winning hearts and minds and getting folks to see things your way. Robert Cialdini, who wrote the book—literally—on the science of persuasion, called "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion," and it's all about understanding how to get people on board with your ideas. Cialdini came up with six principles of persuasion: reciprocity, scarcity, authority, consistency, liking, and consensus. 

At its core, persuasion is all about understanding human behavior and what drives us to do the things we do. We tend to return favors (reciprocity), want more of things there are less of (scarcity), follow people who seem like they know what they're doing (authority), stick with what we've been doing before (consistency), say yes to people we like (liking), and do what the crowd is doing (consensus). These principles aren't just high-brow theories, they're grounded in our everyday human experiences. Mastering them isn't just a good idea for any leader - it's essential for making an impact and is an art form worth learning.

One of the most potent tools in the persuasion arsenal, as emphasized by Cialdini and other researchers, is the practice of understanding and empathizing with others. The simple act of getting someone and genuinely relating to their experiences can go a long way in winning them over. You might think back to a time when someone totally got you. They really dug into your experiences, felt your feelings, and didn't judge or make it about them. Likely you felt safe and heard, and that made you more open to what that person had to say or suggest. That is the power of understanding and empathy. It's not just some coach's ramblings - it's a proven and powerful tool that can help us win hearts and sway minds. 

When I was in high school, I had a teacher named Mr. Walch. Mr. Walch wasn't your run-of-the-mill teacher. No, he was something special. He listened, I mean, really listened. I had dreams of standing in the spotlight on Broadway or being in a blockbuster movie. He didn't brush them off as teenage fantasies. No, he gave them a nod, lent his support, and treated me as if my dreams were possible. And it wasn't just talk; you could see in his eyes that he genuinely believed in me. Because of that, he didn't just teach us how to act; he also shaped how we saw the world and ourselves. He showed me, and many others, how powerful it can be when someone truly understands you and believes in your dreams and aspirations. That kind of understanding sticks with you and shapes your life in ways you couldn't imagine. 

Let's switch gears a bit and dive into the science behind all this. When we feel understood, when we feel truly seen and respected by someone, it creates this beautiful sense of safety. And that safety is like a magic key, opening doors to cooperation and collaboration. Our need for social connection, this craving for validation, it's etched into our very biology. 

The amygdala, nestled in the center of our 'mammalian brain' is like a social radar, picking up cues from others and helping us react. It's part of a larger network called the limbic system, which - and here's the kicker - operates as an open-loop system. This means that our amygdala brains are counting on others to help regulate our moods and physical states.

Without social interaction, we're in for a world of hurt. We saw this firsthand during those bleak lockdown months in 2020 and 2021 - people isolated from their social circles, suffering physically and mentally.

So, if we want to get others on board with our vision, if we want to inspire and motivate, we have to break into that open-loop system. And how do we do that? By creating an atmosphere of safety and trust, showing genuine understanding and care. When people feel seen, heard and known, when they feel acknowledged and valued, they let down their walls and become more open to influence. That is where the magic happens.

Leadership is not about taking the stage solo. Instead, it's about engaging in a well-coordinated dance with the team members, just like a skilled dancer would with their partner on the dance floor. If you've ever watched a couple dancing, you know that it's not just about the mechanical execution of steps. It's about harmony, flow, rhythm, and a shared understanding. The leader, much like the leading dancer, doesn't just decide on a whim to swing their partner around. That would not only be jarring but could even feel aggressive or off-putting.

Imagine walking onto the dance floor, not knowing your partner or the tune. If you immediately tried to execute fast twirls, your partner would likely be confused, or worse, stumble. A good dancer knows the value of understanding their partner's style and rhythm before attempting to guide the dance. They take a moment to listen to the music, feel the rhythm, look into their partner's eyes, and sense their energy. They try to establish a mutual rhythm, a common beat that allows for the dance to flow smoothly.

That's precisely how effective leadership works. Before jumping into assigning tasks or pushing for results, great leaders take the time to understand their team. They listen to their concerns, learn their strengths, appreciate their aspirations, and respect their ideas. Once this rapport is built, the leader and the team are in sync, like dance partners moving gracefully across the floor. The leader can now guide and influence, with the confidence that the team trusts them and is ready to follow their lead. Each step taken together is seamless, each decision made together feels natural. There's a flow to the work, and everyone moves to the same rhythm.

Understanding, Mindfulness, and Empathy

In the quest to establish rapport and create a harmonious work environment, it's important to clarify one point: you don't need to know the ins and outs of a person's life history. We're not aiming for a deep psychoanalytical understanding of everyone on the team. Instead, the kind of understanding that's needed here is more in tune with the principles of mindfulness.

When we think about mindfulness, we often imagine meditation sessions, serene environments, and a sense of inner peace. While all these are indeed facets of mindfulness, at its core, mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment. It's about paying attention intentionally, non-judgmentally, and with an open and curious mind. It's a simple yet powerful practice that can transform not just individual lives but also the way teams function in a workplace.

When it comes to leadership, think of mindfulness as a superpower. As a mindful leader, you approach every interaction with your team with a spirit of openness and curiosity. You're not just hearing words; you're actively listening, seeking to understand the context, the emotions, and the unspoken thoughts that lie beneath the surface.

Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, you're asking questions, you're showing genuine interest, and you're valuing the other person's perspective. This is not about prying into personal matters or micromanaging. It's about giving your full attention, showing empathy, and validating their experiences and ideas.

And guess what happens when people feel seen and heard in this way? They begin to trust. They feel safer to voice their ideas, share their concerns, and contribute their best efforts. They're more likely to buy into your vision and follow your lead.

But there's more. Mindfulness is not a one-way street. As you cultivate this open, curious, and compassionate attention towards your team, you're also fostering self-awareness. You become more attuned to your own thought patterns, emotions, and biases. You can better regulate your responses and make more thoughtful, empathetic decisions. In other words, you become a more effective, inspiring leader.

This method of attentive interaction and understanding becomes a springboard for empathy, a critical leadership skill that's often misunderstood or underrated. The term 'empathy' finds its roots in the Greek language, with '-em' denoting 'in' and 'pathos' representing 'feeling.' When we break it down, empathy is essentially about stepping into another person's shoes, feeling their experiences as if they were our own.

Empathy doesn't mean losing ourselves in another person's experience or being swept away by their emotions. It's not about taking on their feelings as our own, but understanding and respecting their unique perspective. It's like stepping into their world while staying firmly grounded in our own. In this way, we keep our emotional boundaries intact even as we widen our understanding of the diverse experiences and emotions around us.

When we empathize, something extraordinary happens. Our sense of self starts to expand, growing beyond the boundaries of our own individual experiences to include others. It's as if our world gets a little bit larger, a little bit richer with every empathetic connection we make. Empathy allows us to transcend the limits of our personal perspective and embrace a broader, more inclusive understanding of the world.

And what does this mean in the context of leadership? When we genuinely empathize with our team members, we're not just validating their experiences—we're also signaling to them that they are seen, heard, and valued. We're building trust and strengthening our relationship with them, which naturally paves the way for better cooperation and collaboration. We're creating a shared understanding, a shared rhythm that allows us to work together more harmoniously and effectively.

More importantly, as we cultivate empathy, we're also developing our own capacity for influence. After all, influence is not about imposing our will on others; it's about understanding their needs and concerns, aligning our goals with theirs, and inspiring them to join us in our journey.

The beauty of empathy goes beyond forging connections. It creates a powerful sense of shared purpose that becomes the bedrock for collaboration. When people feel understood and valued, they're not just more willing to collaborate—they're more likely to bring their full selves to the table, contributing their ideas, their creativity, and their energy towards achieving common goals.

When we're all moving to the same beat, when we're all tuned into the same rhythm, we can co-create something that's far greater than the sum of its parts. We can transcend our individual limitations and achieve extraordinary things together. But establishing this shared rhythm doesn't just happen overnight. It requires us, as leaders, to invest time and effort in understanding our team members, empathizing with their experiences, and validating their perspectives. It demands that we cultivate a leadership style that values inclusivity, promotes dialogue, and encourages mutual respect. It calls for us to embody empathy, not just as a personal trait, but as a leadership philosophy.

Summary:

• Leadership is less about authority, more about empathy and understanding.

• Successful influence is grounded in authenticity, rapport, and shared purpose.

• In a harmonious team, everyone dances to the same rhythm.

Navigating Disappointment

I invite you to consider that you and I have been on a journey together of interpersonal transformation, where you're exploring your interconnectedness with all of life and how that interconnectedness has the potential to reshape your relationships with others. This adventure is meant to challenge you to rethink your assumptions and step outside of your comfort zones. The insights you gain along the way are meant to bring you closer to understanding yourself, others, and the world around you.

Each lesson on this journey is designed to offer fresh perspectives and insights, building upon one another to help you grasp the intricate web of connections that bind us all. The first lesson, exploring the concept of interbeing, highlights the interconnected nature of all things and the deep connections we share with one another. This foundational understanding informs the second lesson, which delves into the stories we create about others and how they shape our perceptions and experiences.

Armed with the insights from these two lessons, you're now prepared to navigate the complex terrain of relationship disappointments in the third lesson. Here, you'll discover how embracing interconnectedness and acknowledging the power of our narratives can help us better understand and address unmet desires and disappointments, ultimately strengthening our connections with the people we love.

Unfulfilled Expectations

As a society, we're often told that happiness and positivity are the ultimate goals and that life should be easy. But the truth is, life can be tough, and there are times when we'll feel pain, disappointment, and suffering. This is where the Buddha's First Noble Truth comes in - it reminds us that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and that it's okay to face our struggles head-on. By accepting the inevitability of suffering, we can cultivate greater resilience and compassion for ourselves and others.

Understanding the inevitability of suffering also extends to our relationships with others. According to the Buddha's teachings, suffering is born of desire. It's natural for us to want things in life, but when we become attached to our desires, we set ourselves up for disappointment and pain. This concept is particularly applicable to our relationships, where unfulfilled desires and expectations can lead to frustration, sadness, and anger.

Recently, I shared news of a new client I had landed with a close colleague and friend with whom I work closely. I was hoping for her support and enthusiasm, but to my surprise, she responded with a dismissive comment about how clients are not everything and how they come and go, so I shouldn't be so attached.

I expected my friend to be supportive, but when she wasn't, I felt disappointed, and my desire went unmet. It wasn't that she had any ill intentions, but my attachment to these desires caused conflict within me regarding our relationship.

This observation made me reflect on how relationships often follow a pattern, starting with an enchantment phase where everything seems perfect, but then unfulfilled desires in the form of expectations begin to pile up, causing the enchantment to fade. As our minds play tricks on us, generating expectations we may not even be aware of, disappointments accumulate, leading to a decline in trust and connection.

Phase 1: The Enchantment

I remember when my friend and I discovered our mutual passion for all things yoga. We spent hours discussing our favorite books, feeling as if we had known each other for a lifetime.

During the enchantment phase, we might find ourselves daydreaming about a perfect future with our friends, imagining every detail of our adventures together. We feel like we've found a kindred spirit, someone who truly understands us, and we can share our deepest thoughts and emotions with them. Conversations flow effortlessly, and we look forward to spending time together. It seems like nothing can go wrong, and we have found a lifelong companion.

Phase 2: Unmet Desires

When my friend and I were preparing the curriculum for the yoga retreat we were co- leading, I had assumed that we would be collaborative and co-creative. However, she repeatedly rejected all of my ideas, which left me feeling dispirited about the retreat and disconnected from her.

During the initial enchantment phase of a friendship, everything may seem perfect, and we feel deeply connected. But as time passes and unfulfilled desires and disappointments start to accumulate, we may begin to question the relationship. We may feel frustrated or disappointed and notice the differences between our friends and ourselves. Conversations that once flowed effortlessly may become strained or filled with tension, and the once easygoing connection may feel like hard work. What once seemed flawless now appears flawed, and we might start to feel like we have outgrown the friendship.

Phase 3: The Breakdown

Our conversations about yoga, which were once effortless, became tense as my friend repeatedly rejected all of my ideas during the retreat. This led to a distance between us, and our shared passion no longer felt like a strong bond.

The breakdown phase can be tough. Our perception of our friends becomes clouded by negative experiences, and we may focus on their faults and shortcomings. We forget the good times and the reasons we were drawn to them in the first place. As a result, we may pull away from the relationship, either emotionally or physically, to protect ourselves from further disappointment.

Phase 4: The Repair

After spending some time apart, we met up for tea to discuss our feelings about the retreat. By addressing how my ideas were repeatedly rejected and discussing our unmet expectations, we were able to rekindle our shared love for yoga and repair our friendship. This allowed us to move forward together in a positive direction.

When relationships reach a breaking point, it's easy to forget that both individuals are human and susceptible to making mistakes. Instead of assigning blame to each other for the breakdown, we want to take responsibility for our own actions and recognize the interconnectedness between us. We understand that it takes two people to create a difficult situation and that our actions can impact others in ways we may not fully realize. This step may be difficult, but it's essential to move forward, repair the relationship, and foster personal growth and healing.

To repair a relationship that has entered a phase of decline, it is important to identify and communicate our hopes and expectations that were not explicitly expressed. This requires getting clear about what we were hoping for or expecting of the other person and having the courage to communicate it. By owning our hopes and expectations, we recognize our part in the breakdown of communication and acknowledge the lack of clarity in conveying our desires to the other person in the first place.

It is crucial to recognize that the other person did not make us upset. Instead, we both played a part in the subtle and intricate web of connection that was disrupted. By seeing our part in the matter, we take responsibility for our actions and acknowledge that we were also part of the disturbance in the web of connection.

By acknowledging our role in the breakdown of communication, we can approach the situation with greater understanding and compassion. We can work towards repairing the relationship by focusing on our own actions and the impact they have on the other person rather than assigning blame or expecting the other person to change. In this way, we can begin to rebuild the connection and move forward together.

I- STATEMENTS

When we communicate, we don't want to be accusatory. Consider these two statements and see if you can detect what's different between them:

1. You never listen to me.

2. I feel unheard and frustrated when I share my thoughts and feelings with you, and I am telling myself the story that you're not listening to me.

Statement #2 appears less accusatory because it uses "I" statements instead of "you" statements. By saying, "I feel unheard and frustrated when I share my thoughts and feelings with you," we express our own feelings and experiences rather than directly blaming the other person for not listening. This can lead to a more productive conversation, as the other person is less likely to become defensive or feel attacked. Additionally, by acknowledging that we are telling ourselves the story that the other person is not listening, the speaker is also open to the possibility that their assumption may be incorrect, which can lead to a more collaborative and empathetic conversation.

ACTIVE LISTENING AND EMPATHY

Once we've communicated our disappointments, we want to be open to the other person's perspective and try to understand where they're coming from. We want to grasp their point of view and consider their own unmet needs and expectations. It may be helpful to ask questions to gain a better understanding of their perspective and express empathy for their feelings.

• In what ways have I impacted you that I may not have been aware of?

• What were you hoping for or expecting from me? How might I have disappointed or let you down?

The more we are able to empathize with someone else and see things from their perspective, the more important it becomes for us to let go of our preconceived notions and assumptions about them. By setting aside our own stories and beliefs, we allow ourselves to truly understand and appreciate the other person's experiences and emotions. This deepened understanding fosters greater connection, enabling us to better relate and navigate our relationship with compassion and open-mindedness.

Redefining the Role of Conflict in Relationship

Expressing our disappointments with one another can result in a profoundly transformational experience. When we experience shared communication of one another's hurts and disappointments openly and without defensiveness, we start to see our limited perspective. We see that our understanding of what generated the conflict was only partial. As we begin to recognize what was hidden from our consciousness, namely their experience or point of view, our feeling of separateness evaporates and is replaced by a strong sense of interconnectedness.

Moreover, as the relationship heals, the bond between us strengthens. The conflict then turns out to be a strengthening agent. This experience is so antithetical to the way we regard dislocations in our relationships. We tend to assume that conflict weakens relationships. In this perspective, the act of expressing our disappointments may actually exacerbate the conflict and further strain the relationship, making it more difficult to heal and rebuild the bond. As a result, we avoid conflict or minimize its impact rather than seeing it as a potential agent for strengthening relationships.

It's important to remember that repairing a relationship involves acknowledging that both parties make mistakes and taking responsibility

© 2023 CHAD HERST. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Page7of10

for our own role in the situation. We need to communicate our unmet desires and take steps to address them. Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements can help make conversations less accusatory and more productive. Active listening and empathy are also crucial in understanding the other person's perspective and needs. Finally, moving forward involves taking action and making changes to address concerns and communicate better. It's essential to approach the process with an open mind and a commitment to staying in communication.

As the Buddha said, life is suffering. So are relationships. They can be hard, and no relationship is perfect. It's natural to experience ups and downs. However, by acknowledging the phases that relationships often go through, we can begin to identify and communicate our unmet desires and disappointments. This process requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, we can repair and strengthen our connections with the people we love.

Summary:

The Buddha's First Noble Truth reminds us that suffering is natural and it's okay to face our struggles.

Unfulfilled desires and expectations in relationships can lead to disappointment and pain.

Repairing a relationship involves acknowledging mistakes, communicating unmet desires using "I" statements, active listening, empathy, and taking action to address concerns. Conflict can be a strengthening agent.

Inquiry:

The following questions aim to explore our relationship with the conflict. They prompt us to reflect on our personal tendencies towards conflict and encourage us to redefine conflict as an opportunity to recognize our interconnectedness. When facing a conflict, we might ask ourselves:

How am I relating to the conflict in this relationship? Am I avoiding, shutting down, blaming, deflecting or attacking?

How might I redefine this breakdown in communication as a potential agent for strengthening the bond or creating a breakthrough for myself?

What am I afraid I might say or do? What am I afraid they might say or do?

How do I define what I was hoping or expecting? In what ways have they disappointed me?

How do I express my disappointments and address unmet desires in a way that leads to a stronger sense of interconnectedness in relationships?

How willing am I to expand my point of view on the conflict to understand theirs?

The Consequences of Ignored and Rejected Expressions

I had a long-term working partnership that went sour. We ran a yoga studio together and initially had a strong connection and shared many profound conversations. However, things started to deteriorate when I suggested that we create a contract outlining the financial split in the event that one of us wanted to part ways. My business partner became angry and accused me of being greedy, which led to a breakdown in trust and a diminishing connection between us.

Despite attempts to repair the relationship, we had several more misunderstandings and miscommunications that further strained our connection. I eventually reached a tipping point and decided to end the partnership, even though it meant giving up ownership of the studio.

Even after the end of the relationship, I have been left with lingering feelings of anger and frustration. I still feel misunderstood and feel that my business partner twisted my words and used them against me. The unresolved tension and lack of resolution has left me with what is known as an "incompletion," which continues to affect me even after the end of the relationship.

Principle #1: Unacknowledged thoughts and feelings keep us stuck in the past and hinder our ability to fully connect in the present.

An incompletion is this nagging feeling that comes from trying to communicate something to someone but those words are not really understood. Worse, they might even have been twisted and used against us. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt from the past that makes it impossible to be available for the relationship in this present moment.

This experience of not being received or understood is what we might call an incompletion in a relationship. In a relationship, things can go south when one person tries to express themselves and the other person doesn't get it. Maybe they reject it, contradict it, or dismiss it. If the other person doesn't understand or accept what's being said, it leaves the person expressing themselves feeling incomplete.  They feel like they tried to communicate something, but it wasn't accepted, leaving them feeling misunderstood, rejected, and possibly hurt and alone.

This feeling of being misunderstood is common in relationships, and it can be hard to trust the other person when they don't seem to get our point of view. Incompletions prevent us from relating to one another in the present moment. We’re still caught in the past where our expression was not acknowledged or understood. If this goes on for too long, we might start to shut down and stop communicating altogether.

Principle #2: Misunderstandings breed mistrust.

When we don't feel like we're getting through to someone, we tend to either get confrontational or try to back off. Some of us might start raising our voices or become more insistent, while others might try to avoid the conflict by pretending it's not happening and hoping it will just go away. If we keep trying to make ourselves understood and the other person just won't listen, we might eventually get fed up and either start holding back what we say or just stop communicating altogether.

It's not always a big deal if everything we say isn't totally understood, but it can be annoying when small things we say are ignored or misunderstood. We all want to feel understood by others, and it can be hurtful when someone can't or won't see things from our point of view. When we don't feel understood, it can be hard to trust the person and we might just stop talking to them instead of risking rejection. When the person is someone we're really close with, like a family member or partner, it can really mess up the relationship and even cause it to fall apart.

Principle #3: Incompletions distort our perception.

When we're feeling misunderstood, it's easy to start distorting the other person and seeing their flaws as bigger and more pronounced. We might start to exaggerate their negative traits and downplay their good ones, which can lead us to see them in a really negative light. That's what happened with my business partner, who went from being a trusted colleague and friend to a "crazy lady with a personality disorder" in my mind.

It's hard to heal from an incompletion. It's like this thing that's always nagging at us, whether it's because we never fully addressed it or because we tried to, but things got too tense and we couldn't resolve it. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt that hangs around, whether we're still relating or the relationship has come to an unhappy ending. We may try to move on and find someone new to replace the person we had the incompletion with, but we may just end up with the same issue again.

Principle #4: Pain that is acknowledged and felt can heal; pain that is ignored festers.

We can become aware of incompletions by paying attention to our feelings in our relationships. If something feels "off" or "not quite right," it could be a sign of an incompletion. Another way to spot incompletions is to think about our experiences and relationships and see if there are any problems or misunderstandings that have yet to be resolved. These might be causing tension or discomfort and could be signs of incompletions.

When we become aware of incompletions, it's important to be honest with ourselves about how they are affecting us. This may mean acknowledging and feeling the pain or discomfort caused by the unresolved issues or miscommunications. It can be difficult to let ourselves feel these emotions, especially if we've already shut down or disconnected from the person or relationship involved. However, ignoring these feelings doesn't make them go away; they stay hidden somewhere in our minds and bodies, weighing us down, dimming our spirits or dulling our clarity. But if we can confront these feelings, we can start to understand what it was that we were trying to say that wasn't being received, or what the other person was trying to express that we didn't understand.

Principle #5: To repair a relationship, we must be willing to listen first.

To repair the relationship, we have to be willing to take the first step and break the stalemate, even if it seems counterintuitive. This means putting our own hurt and frustration aside and really trying to listen and understand the other person's perspective. One way to do this is by saying something like "Okay, I'm willing to listen. Can you explain to me again what I've been ignoring or not hearing?"

When we're feeling misunderstood and hurt, it's natural to want to distance ourselves from the person who is causing us pain. But in order to resolve the feeling of being incomplete, the first and most difficult step is to be willing to listen to the other person's words, even when they haven't been willing to listen to ours. We might have to temporarily set aside our own hurt and frustration. By doing this, we give the other person a chance to express the storehouse of assumptions and disappointments.

Principle #6: Take a step back and try to see things from their point of view.

If we want to move past this issue, we need to try to see things from their perspective, even if it feels weird or we don't agree with them. We can't just brush off their feelings or thoughts because they don't align with our own. We need to try to understand where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. It's not about agreeing with them, but it's about acknowledging that they have a valid perspective based on their own experiences and background.

When we ask the other person to tell us what we have previously been deflecting or rejecting, we're attempting to step into their shoes, see their words from their point of view, and see how they would see circumstances the way they do. We want to hear their words and how their experience emerges from their personal experience of life.

Principle #7: Completing the past enables us to fully embrace the present in our relationships.

Once we sense that the other person can grasp our experience, our incompletion vanishes. We lose that nagging sense that something is incomplete in that relationship. We no longer feel that that person either doesn’t get us or doesn’t care to get us. As soon as that happens, we’re no longer caught in the past. We’re complete.

Melissa gets upset when she feels like the responsibilities in the household are not being shared equally, and her way of expressing this can sometimes be critical or shaming. This can make me resistant to understanding her perspective and acknowledging her feelings. However, when Melissa is able to understand and acknowledge the deeper impact of her words and the emotional baggage that it triggers in me, it can create a better understanding between us and allow me to be receptive to her needs.

When the incompletion is gone, we’re more available to get their world, to get their perspective. We’re more willing to put aside our need to be right but to understand them. When we’re understood, we naturally seek to understand one another. Somebody has to be willing to create the opportunity for the other person to empty out. Again, that move is counterintuitive but has the potential to generate profound relief.

When both people feel understood, it's like a weight is lifted and the relationship becomes easier and clearer. We can then work together to find new ways to avoid similar issues in the future and explore new possibilities. If there's no ease or lightness in the relationship, it means something has not been fully understood or acknowledged yet, and it may take more time and effort.

It's easy to ignore our thoughts and feelings or let misunderstandings slide, but doing so can cause problems and create distance between us and the people we care about. It may be tempting to avoid confrontation or try to sweep things under the rug, but if we don’t courageously step up and be willing to understand the other person, we likely won’t ever be understood ourselves. When we listen to and understand each other, we can heal and strengthen our relationships.

Summary:

• We must fully understand (but not necessarily agree with) one another for relationships to thrive. 

• When our expressions are ignored or rejected, not only does distrust build up in that relationship, but we are left feeling frustrated.

• Until we bring honesty and transparency to the relationships that matter most, we often find ourselves recreating the same turmoil in other relationships.

The Costs of Withholding Truth

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where something is bothering you, and you have the urge to say it but hesitate because you anticipate a negative reaction from the other person? We don't want to deal with their response because it may be overwhelming and could cause more conflict or discomfort. We can all be conflict-averse. So instead, we decide to stop speaking up. We start holding our tongues and ignoring our own needs. We know it isn't healthy, but the alternative seems impossible.

Michael has been married to Louise for three years. He never wanted to be married to her in the first place. Before they did so, he would voice his misgivings, but Louise would always fall into despair. He eventually stopped sharing his concerns and consented to marry her because the guilt and shame became too overwhelming.

Even today, whenever he considers sharing any reservations or upsets, guilt and shame immediately take over, stopping him from saying anything. Not telling the truth is eating away at Michael's confidence. He fears he'll always be stuck in that relationship, without choice or his voice.

Sometimes we must find the courage to tell someone the uncomfortable truth despite how much it may hurt them. Being honest is one of the essential components of any healthy relationship dynamic – without it, any sense of trust or emotional closeness between both parties will corrode over time. Being dishonest with ourselves and others can lead to anxiety, guilt, shame and insecurity.

Telling the truth can be difficult for many reasons, even if it serves a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. For example, Michael has stayed in his marriage to Louise out of fear that voicing his true feelings may cause her to become too distraught. A fear like this can make us feel like we have no choice but to keep our concerns unaddressed and remain in an unfavorable situation. 

Additionally, when trying to express difficult truths, there are practical barriers such as feeling overwhelmed by words, not knowing how to start a conversation or gaining the courage to speak up. On top of these worries, there are also certain emotions tied with telling the truth, such as guilt which can further impede any progress towards expressing our true thoughts and feelings. 

Finding Our Clarity

Speaking up after having withheld our truth can be difficult, as emotions can often be overwhelming. This feeling of damming up can make it difficult to express our thoughts and feelings clearly and rationally. The fear of unloading our emotions, which have been so tightly held for so long, is daunting. We often feel like we cannot control the raw emotion that follows when we finally open up to someone. It's an intimidating process.

When we prevent ourselves from communicating our true feelings, it can become difficult to see the situation objectively. Our blocked emotions cloud our judgment and create a sense of hopelessness that makes us doubt the chances of finding a solution. We view the other person in an unfavorable light, failing to recognize the human component that intrinsically exists in all relationships.

When we put our feelings on the back burner, it can be difficult to see the entire issue. Taking time to acknowledge the backlog of emotions is key to regaining clarity and objectivity. We might do this in meditation, journaling or dialogue with a friend or guide. Approaching our feelings with understanding and kindness can feel counterintuitive, particularly if we're inclined towards relying on shame and guilt to hold our feelings back. 

Additionally, it is important to sort through the impact our past experiences and traumas might have on our present relationships and work through those issues healthily and honestly rather than allowing them to dictate or harm one's current relationships. We might explore how our emotional reactivity might be related to events from our past. It can help to gain perspective by uncovering patterns that we could not see before.

Finding Courage

Before Michael ever had the conversation with Louise, he'd need to find his courage. We can be assured that the other person will react in hurt and dismay whenever we commit to telling the truth after holding it back for a long time. They might be angered. We don't know their reaction. We can be sure, though, that there will be upset feelings.

It can help to acknowledge the critical parts that doubt that anything good would come of telling the truth. It's easy to sink into a cynical point of view regarding honest communication. Our past experiences with one another convince us that nothing good could come out of open dialogue, so we keep our feelings hidden. But while this may seem like the safest option, it can often lead to a disconnect between individuals. This severing of ties diminishes the level of connection and understanding in the relationship, leaving both sides feeling isolated and unable to move forward. 

Not only do we have to acknowledge the cynical parts, but we want to acknowledge the scared ones, too. Telling the truth can be daunting. We never know how the other person will respond. When we withhold our honest thoughts and feelings, we avoid pain, but we step right into it when we tell the truth. To be courageous, we willingly step into and embrace uncertainty. By learning to accept the unknown instead of shying away, we can become more courageous in the face of uncertainty and find ways to overcome difficult situations.

Small steps are key to building courage, allowing us to explore our potential at our own pace. We can gradually develop more confidence in speaking up and expressing ourselves instead of hiding our thoughts and feelings. Over time, these small steps will help us prepare for the "big conversation" and the uncertainty that may come with it.

Clarifying Your Intentions

Sometimes, it's not just cynicism and fear that hold us back, but it can also be a lack of clarity about what we want. We need to better understand what we want from the conversation. What is our desired outcome? In many cases, we may think our desired outcome is clear-cut and not particularly complex. However, upon closer examination, it is often the case that our goals are more nuanced. 

For example, when considering a conversation between Michael and Louise, Michael may think the discussion is about separating. Still, on deeper introspection, it could very well be that his goal is far more nuanced. It could be that he wishes to find ways of speaking about topics that are off-limits in the relationship without emotions getting elevated. He may hope to create structures of relating that feel safe for both him and Louise. He might seek to rebuild trust, foster a healthier dynamic, or even gain some closure. Perhaps he may want to ensure that Louise understands his feelings and respects his decision to end the relationship. 

Understanding the desired result before beginning a difficult conversation is essential, as it may be more complicated than originally thought. Additionally, having an intention guides the conversation, keeping us focused on the outcomes we seek. Failing to clearly indicate what we want from the conversation can lead to confusion and, ultimately, an unsuccessful outcome. Consequently, it is imperative to keep an intention in mind throughout the conversation to ensure that it remains productive and focused. 

Holding back our true thoughts and feelings can result from various factors, including fear of negative reactions, guilt, shame, and past traumas. It can lead to a lack of clarity and objectivity in our relationships and erode trust and emotional closeness. However, it is important to find the courage to express our true thoughts and feelings, even if it is difficult. This can involve taking time to acknowledge and process our emotions, seeking support from friends or guides, and exploring past experiences that may influence our present relationships. We can work towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships by finding the courage to speak up.

Summary:

• Withholding our truth wreaks havoc on our relationships not just with others but with ourselves.

• The weight of unspoken truths can drag us down, but the courage to speak them can bring us freedom.

• What is not faced, will fester. What is faced, will heal.

The Power of the Story We Tell Ourselves

Have you ever had a hard time giving someone the benefit of the doubt, particularly when they’ve disappointed or hurt you? It can be tough to open our minds and hearts to others’ experiences, especially if they challenge our own beliefs. But have you ever stopped to consider that this difficulty in seeing things from someone else’s perspective might be a fundamental blind spot in your understanding of yourself or the world around you?

It's easy to get caught up in the idea that our perceptions are the be-all and end-all, but let's be real - we're just a bunch of flawed humans trying to make sense of one another. We see what we want to see, and our explanations and interpretations are often influenced by our own biases and experiences.

It's like we're all walking around with our own little filters on, distorting one another in our own unique way, and we're all convinced that who we see through those goggles is the only truth. But the thing is, we're all seeing the same people, but we're each interpreting one another in our own way.

Principle #1: Even though we believe we see others clearly, in reality they are not always as they appear.

It's natural to have our own perspectives and interpretations of one another, but it's important to recognize that these perceptions may not always be accurate. Have you ever heard a rumor about someone and automatically assumed it was true, only to later find out that it was completely false? Or have you ever had a disagreement with a friend or family member and found it hard to see their perspective, even when they presented valid points?

It's possible that our understanding of the world is limited and that there isn't a single objective truth that we can all accurately perceive. We all have biases and preconceptions that prevent us from seeing the full picture. Even though we may acknowledge that we don't have a complete understanding of reality, it's still difficult for us to break free from our narrow perspective. These biases and limited perspectives prevent us from seeing one another as they truly are. If we're not aware of them in our relationships, we risk misunderstandings, communication breakdowns, and conflicts that could have been avoided.

Principle #2: In the absence of information about what’s going on with another, we make up stories that have little to do with reality.

The language we use and the stories we tell ourselves about one another shape our understanding of our relationships. We're not just describing what we experience in them. The language we use forms our entire comprehension of who they are to us. We observe the people in our lives through the filter of the stories we tell ourselves about them.

We don’t want to admit, but we’re just making stuff up because whatever story we tell is going to be limited. We are all much more than the characterizations others make of us. Imagine you have a colleague at work who always seems to be in a bad mood. You might start telling yourself a story that this colleague is difficult to work with, or that they don't like you. However, the reality might be that this colleague is dealing with financial stress and having difficulty making ends meet. If you don't take the time to try and understand what’s happening for them, you risk damaging your relationship and missing out on the opportunity to be a supportive colleague.

Melissa and I have dear friends who recently moved to another state. During COVID lockdown, they were in our close circle of friends. Melissa's birthday recently passed, and while the husband reached out to wish her a happy birthday, the wife did not. Melissa has been feeling hurt and disappointed, and has assumed that our dear friend has written us off.

It's easy to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about others' actions or intentions, especially when we're feeling hurt or vulnerable. We don't always have all of the information and it's possible that there could be a reasonable explanation for someone's behavior. If we let the stories we tell about a situation or an interaction determine our point of view, we run the risk of misunderstanding what might actually be happening.

There are other ways to understand what might be going on with our friend. One possibility is that she simply forgot or got caught up in other things and didn't mean to hurt Melissa's feelings. Another possibility is that she's going through a tough time and hasn’t told us. Alternatively, there could be some underlying issue in their relationship that Melissa isn’t aware of.

If we don’t know what’s going on, we tend to think the worst. This is a basic blind spot we have. In the absence of information we make up stories that have little to do with reality. We tend to jump to conclusions that lead to unnecessary hurt or conflict. We can't always know what's going on in someone else's head or heart, even though we assume we can. Before creating more conflict than needed, it’s important to bring an awareness to the stories we tell ourselves, to recognize that they may only be partially accurate or not at all.

Principle #3: The stories we tell about others shape how we relate to them.

Here’s why awareness of our stories can be so important: Our actions in life are always a response to the stories we tell.

Melissa’s choice of action will greatly depend on the story she tells herself about their lack of communication on her birthday. If Melissa tells herself a story that our friend doesn't care about her or that their relationship is no longer meaningful, she may decide to distance herself and reduce their interaction, continue the relationship but hold onto resentment, or engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Alternatively, a story that promotes understanding and the value of relationship repair might lead Melissa to choose to communicate with our friend and try to resolve any underlying issues in their relationship.

It all depends on whether Melissa would be willing to reframe the story she has about our friend. She could either continue to assume that our friend has written us off, or she might consider the following alternatives:

• "I value this relationship and I want to work on any issues we might have."

• "I believe that open and honest communication is important for the health of a relationship."

• "I don't want to assume the worst and risk damaging the relationship without trying to find out what's really going on."

• "I don't want to let my own feelings of hurt or resentment fester and potentially lead to a breakdown of the relationship."

• "I want to be proactive and take ownership of my own feelings and actions, rather than reacting to the situation in a negative way."

All of these reframes will help her to take actions that might help her find resolution with our friend.

Setting Clear Boundaries

This isn’t to suggest that every relationship deserves a second or third chance, particularly when someone's behavior continues to be hurtful or disrespectful after we have tried to communicate openly and address any issues. In such cases, setting clear boundaries can help to protect our well-being and self-respect and might also communicate to them that their behavior is unacceptable.

We will be exploring boundaries in future modules, but suffice to say that boundaries help us to feel more in control of our own lives and can help us to better understand and assert our own needs and wants. It's also important to consider that setting boundaries doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship. It can simply mean setting limits on the behavior that we are willing to tolerate or the amount of energy and emotional labor we are willing to invest in the relationship.

We don’t tend to think that the way we interact with others correlates to the stories we tell or the assumptions we make, but we do. If we're not aware of the stories that shape our understanding of an interaction, we may be unable to respond skillfully and may become stuck in fixed, narrow perspectives. This can prevent us from seeing the full picture and inevitably lead to conflict or suffering.

This means acknowledging that our understanding of a situation or an interaction may not be complete and that there may be other perspectives or factors at play that we are not aware of. By being open to the possibility that our understanding is limited, we can be more understanding towards others, as we recognize that their actions may be based on their own limited understanding and that they, too, may be telling themselves stories.

Summary:

• Our biases and experiences can distort our perceptions of others.

• It's easy to assume that we’re right.

• We have to be careful of this tendency because the stories we tell ourselves determine our reactions to them.

When We Feel Like We’re On Our Own

Are you constantly feeling burnt out from always having to support and help others? It may seem like your loved ones, friends, or team members are always leaning on you for time, energy and attention. It can be tough always having to be the one in charge, making decisions for everyone, and being the go-to person. It would be nice for once to have someone else be the go-to person and not always have to be in charge. Being the main one to guide and direct can be both tiring and unfulfilling.

Take Sara, for example, she runs a successful venture capital firm, but she's feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and decision-making that comes with being the boss. Despite having a team, she finds it hard to trust them and delegate tasks. She feels like she's the only one who can make things happen, and everyone depends on her. It's not just at work, though. She feels the same way in her personal life too. Her kids, husband, and family members are always asking her for advice and opinions on everything. It's like they can't make a move without her say-so. It's understandable that she's feeling the stress, and it's taking a toll on her health.

It's normal to have doubts about other people's abilities and to wonder if we can trust them. But when these doubts become so strong that they prevent us from trusting anyone, it can be a problem. At work, we might start to think that our colleagues aren't smart enough, experienced enough, motivated enough, or dedicated enough to do what we need them to do. At home, we might secretly start to wonder if our loved ones are selfish, unsupportive or just inept.

Deep down, we might wonder if this is just how things will always be - that we will forever be expected to focus on everyone else's needs. It can feel like a heavy burden, almost like carrying a ton of bricks. When it seems like we can't count on other people, we tend to believe that we're alone and that nobody's got our back. Instead of feeling like we have a team or a family of support around us, it feels like we're the only ones doing all the work.

The Dangers of Underestimating Others

Sara tends to treat her team members as if they were children rather than capable adults. She consistently micromanages them, preventing them from making mistakes and making decisions on their own. Her team members feel unable to make decisions independently and are afraid that if they do, they may face repercussions.

This tendency to micromanage and lack of trust in others also affects her personal life, particularly in her relationship with her husband. She finds it difficult to relinquish control and delegate household responsibilities to him, which leads to her dissatisfaction with the outcome when he does take charge. Furthermore, she worries that he may resent having to do the work in the first place, which preemptively makes her feel guilty.

When we underestimate the capabilities of others, we may treat them like children instead of adults. This behavior is not intentional, but it stems from a lack of trust, which leads to excessive interference, nitpicking or taking over. When we don't have confidence in their ability to handle tasks effectively, we may disregard their opinions, ideas or assistance. As a result, individuals who we expect to develop and grow are not given the support they need to do so.

Additionally, when we don't trust others, it can create an environment where they may be hesitant to express their doubts or admit to mistakes. They may fear that they will be seen as incompetent or that their mistakes will be met with negative consequences. This lack of trust can lead to a lack of communication and a lack of open dialogue. Furthermore, it can lead to a lack of confidence and cooperation among team members, which can negatively impact the overall performance of the team.

Uncovering the Root of Our Mistrust

If we don't investigate and initiate the process of healing the source of our mistrust, we may never be able to overcome it.

When Sara was a girl, she had to act like a grown-up and look after her dad, who was an alcoholic and her mom, who was a narcissist. Her parents depended on her to make sure her dad's drinking didn't get out of control, and her mom's need for emotional stability was always taken care of.

Growing up, a lot of us had to take on grown-up roles when the adults around us acted like kids. Maybe our parents had an addiction, mental health issues, or tough backgrounds. We might have had to step up and take care of our siblings, manage the household money, or manage our parents' emotional instability.

We often find ourselves taking on the responsibility of our siblings or filling in for our parents to ensure that our family is stable and functioning well. We may feel like we have no choice but to step up and take charge to maintain a sense of normalcy in our lives. The alternative is chaos, and there may not be anyone else to turn to. We take on these responsibilities in order to prevent things from getting worse. Without stepping up and taking control, our lives may have spiraled.

The Perils of Being a Caretaker

As a result of not being able to rely on others, we may develop an unhealthy view of ourselves, thinking that we are only valuable when we are constantly taking charge and doing things for others. This can be especially detrimental when we have to take on adult responsibilities and care for others at a young age. It can lead us to believe that our worth is solely based on our ability to focus on and take care of others and that taking care of ourselves is somehow wrong or selfish.

We may feel like we are being selfish or neglecting our responsibilities if we take time for ourselves. This can manifest in various ways, such as feeling guilty for taking a vacation or taking time to pursue personal hobbies or interests. This can cause us to constantly put others' needs before our own and neglect our own self-care or personal growth.

It's tough to find people we can trust and connect with when we're not used to trusting others. It can make it hard to pick out who we can rely on and who shares our values. This can make building healthy relationships and making good decisions about who we let into our lives difficult. It can also make it hard to be open and vulnerable in relationships, which is so important for building trust and intimacy.

We might also have trouble setting and sticking to boundaries.

In her personal life, Sara finds it tough to turn people down. She's always putting her family first - her kids, husband, sister, mom, and extended family - even if it means she doesn't get anything in return. That can make her feel taken advantage of and unappreciated, which eats away at her self-esteem.

Giving and not getting anything back in relationships can make anyone feel like they're being taken advantage of and mess with their self-confidence.

It's natural to be suspicious of other people's skills and reliability, but when that suspicion is all-encompassing, it's important to remember that these doubts usually come from our own insecurities, not from them. Our trust issues usually come from when we were kids and had to do more than we should've had to, like taking care of others when our parents couldn't.

When we're young, it's easy to go along with what other people want, but as grown-ups, it can be exhausting and make us feel like we're being taken advantage of if we're always helping out. It's important to get to the bottom of why we have trust issues, especially if they stem from our past. Once we recognize and understand these issues, we can start to work through them and create healthier relationships down the line.

Summary:

• Doubts about others' abilities can be normal, but when they prevent us from trusting anyone, it's not good.

• Trust issues often stem from childhood experiences, such as having to take on responsibilities beyond our age.

• Acknowledging and understanding these issues can help us build healthier relationships.