Sometimes we walk into a conversation believing we have to earn our place in it. Say something special. Be interesting enough, sharp enough, warm enough that the other person decides we're worth their time.
So we perform. And the performance keeps us in our heads. What are they thinking about me? What should I say next? Did that land? The other person may be doing something similar.
Then it is two auditions running side by side. It is hard to connect while monitoring every word.
The belief underneath is a familiar one. It says attention, like worth, is something you earn.
The way back is not a better script. It's curiosity. When you turn your attention toward the person in front of you, the rehearsal quiets and you can hear more of what they are saying.
Sometimes feeling heard helps the other person relax. They may also remain guarded, for reasons you cannot know from the outside. You do not have to concede your point of view for that. You just have to be willing to stand in their shoes for a while.
When there is room for both perspectives, the connection stops needing to be manufactured. Two people, off script, warts and all.