Love & Support

One of my clients feels badly that she wants her boyfriend to tell her he loves her.  She thinks that she shouldn't need the acknowledgment.  She says she should feel solid enough about herself-- about how attractive, intelligent, sexy, and special she is--that she shouldn't need his acknowledgement.  She wants to find the hidden secret to confidence, the magic potion that will take away her sense of wanting.

Another client is trying to get a new business off the ground, one that really excites him.  His current job is "soul crushing," but his wife offers him no support whatsoever; in fact, she's sabotaging his every move by criticizing him and laughing at his ideas as if they were the antics of a juvenile.  No matter how much he wants to switch gears and how many times he starts and stops the movement in a positive direction, he can't really get traction.  He knows his wife doesn't support his ideas, but he can't seem to connect the dots in terms of why he's stuck.  Like my client above, he's hoping for that tool, that shift in perspective, that stroke of magic that will get him out of his current job and into the career of his dreams.

Both of these clients have something in common. They're both doing it alone. Neither of them realize that we can't.  I'll say it again.  We can't do it on our own.  This thought is so contrary to the New Age concept that we have to love ourselves first before anyone else can love us or the all-American "Lone Ranger," pull yourself up by your bootstraps mythos.  Either way, there's a hardcore ideal within American culture of self-reliance, but really, that's just a bunch of bullshit.

A lot of the heroes we read about in history books are individuals who overcame odds to create great change, people like Martin Luther King Jr. or Nelson Mandela.  But nobody speaks about all the love and support they had along the way.  These men had people who believed in them, who offered them their energy, their resources, and sometimes even their lives in support of their goals.  What's discussed is the greatness that these men achieved.  Very little is mentioned about their collaborators.

The Magic of Partnership

Certain relationships come into our lives to remind us that we are brilliant, creative, capable, and beautiful.  These are the relationships that feed us.  And if each of us looks closely at whatever excellence we've accomplished or created, we will never find us and us alone in the creation of it.  We will always find collaborators, people who believed in us and/or people who shared a common goal.  Either way, we didn't--and by the way, can't--do it alone.

Midlife

Midlife Crisis? What Midlife Crisis?

Recently, I have become fascinated with the notion of the midlife crisis because I sense that I am crossing over some invisible mark. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a crisis as an "emotionally significant event or a radical change of status in a person's life." While I do sense some radical change afoot on a subtle level, it doesn't have the sense of angst that the word "crisis" implies. It feels more like a "midlife evolution," which is "a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development."

One way that I sense an evolution is that my wife, Melissa, and I are in a fascinating, new discussion about whether we will or will not have a child. When we first married three years ago, we were both adamant that kids were not for us. Neither of us felt the imperative that many of our friends did in their late 20s and early 30s to have a child. But, now, as we approach the middle of life, we can feel the stirrings of new life wanting to be created. Whether that means we will have children or we will create new things in the world is still to be seen.

What's significant about this discussion is that it's not being driven by a need either to rebel against the system or acquiesce. Instead this inquiry is about searching deeply for our shared heartfelt desire. It's not about what's wanted (or, in the case of rebellion, not wanted ) "out there," but about what's wanted "in here."

Shifting from Outer Goals to Inner Purpose

For the first half of life, we all tend to take someone else's path. We develop a personality and identity that allows us to survive and succeed within relationships, family units, and society as a whole. I spent most of the first half of my life in school or learning various spiritual and healing practices in the East. Since my early thirties, I have been earning my chops in practice, as a yoga teacher, life coach, and acupuncturist.

But now, I sense that I am crossing over some invisible line. In a way, it's a line I have been aching to cross over. I finally am being recognized for my gifts and talents on a professional level. And while I am thrilled to finally start to have the impact I have been wanting to make for so many years, there's a part of me that wonders whether my work alone will completely satisfy me. In addition to my professional life growing in a positive direction, I also sense a deeper stirring within my spirit. I have always felt connected to spirituality, but now, more than ever, I feel called to connect to spirit.

Taking Stock at Midlife

Sometime in the middle of life, most of us wake up to the realization that in spite of the energy we've put into our careers, roles, and relationships, something else wants to find expression. For those who have already realized a dream, often times the question we ask, “Is this all I get? I thought that there would be more.” And when a person fails to realize the dream, it is a time to account for the never: “I suppose I will never be a millionaire or have children of my own.” Essentially it's a time to come to terms with the carrot we've all been chasing. But, in addition, we also feel called to something more. That something shows up in the form of a mystery or one big question mark.

When my clients are in the throes of "midlife evolution," we work to look deeper than the urges to quit a job, or leave a marriage or buy a Ferrari to uncover the deeper, heartfelt desires. I've worked with clients who are good husbands and fathers. They work hard, earn a good salary, and have provided a safe and beautiful home for his family. But while they love their children and wife, a part of them feels absolutely trapped by the conventions of marriage and family.

Midlife Choices: Self-Enlarging or Diminishing

People tend to take the urges that arise at this point, to find a secret lover or quit their jobs, at face value. The midlife evolution calls the meaning we have made of life into question. And when it does, we have a choice. That choice can be either enlarging or self-diminishing.

The second half of life is a very different one than the first half. And midlife is where the path shifts significantly. The maps that got us to where we are when we reach the middle of life no longer serve us the way they previously did. Previously, our orientation was towards outer world: goals, graduations, successes, wins. While this does not end in the middle of life, since most of us have household responsibilities that we need to tend to, we also notice that we are in a totally different period, a new form of adulthood.

Midlife as an Initiation into Mystery

And if we embrace this new form of adulthood, this second half of life, it has the possibility of enlarging self. Recently, I have been reading The Power of Myth, which is based on interviews that took place between the journalist, Bill Moyers, and the mythologist, Joseph Campbell, in the late-80s. Campbell essentially says that in the second half of life, our access to the deeper mysteries increases exponentially. The orientation of life in the first half is about forming the structures of success and survival. In the second half, it's more about the uncovering of the deeper meaning of life. In the second half of life, the doors of perception are cleansed, and we have access to this inquiry in a way that we hadn't in the first half. It's my hunch that this is the deeper purpose behind the "midlife evolution." This period marks that transition. And the point is not to lead us back into adolescent strivings but to guide us into having access to the deeper mystery called life.

What's missing for all of us is the honoring of this transition. We have no ritual, no myth, nothing that recognizes this evolutionary leap we go through at this stage. Instead of saying that this is a time we get to deepen and become wiser, we tend to just want to cover our heads in the sheets and say, "I'm forty, and I feel old." While nothing dramatic like that has happened to me, I get hits of this. I was recently teaching a workshop for several 20-year-olds, and I was noticing that I was the only guy with gray hair there. Now, I don't mind my grays, but I just found it weird that I wasn't young anymore. It's subtle, but I am paying attention, and what I am noticing is that there really is no dialogue in our culture about this transition.

Learning from Midlife Crisis

Midlife crisis can be a big wake up call to those of us who are asleep. But what about those of us who strive to be awake? What about those of us who are watching this transition taking place and don't have a forum or a language that can help us meet, embrace, and learn from what's occurring? I am not sure I know what the answer is. I tried linking it back to the four stages of life described within Hindu culture, but this transition really isn't recognized. The same is true of Shakespeare's seven stages of life. It makes me wonder, whether this transition is a modern phenomena rather than a historical one. In any event, it's my sense that those of us who strive to be awake are looking for a sort of honoring of this transition, and it starts with a dialogue, a dialogue that enters us into the deeper meaning of our lives and, ultimately, our purpose on this planet.

Why Discipline Matters

This morning, as I was coming home from yoga practice, I came across this beautiful lotus in the picture. It seemed to me that it was saying, "Yes!!!" In spite of the muck of life from which it grows, this lotus wanted to spread itself wide open, to blossom in all of its fullness. In Hindu and Buddhist symbolism the lotus represents purity of body, speech and mind because it emerges from the muddy waters of attachment and desire from where it was born.

This isn't very different from the "Yes" that we say each morning we either stand on our mats to begin our yoga practice or sit on your cushions to meditate. We're saying, "Yes" in spite of the fact that we may feel like shit; in spite of the fact that we may be shut down; in spite of the fact that we would rather be nestled in bed. But what we're saying, "Yes" to is the transformation of those stuck, shitty, shut-down places. We're saying, "Yes" to life.

A Mirror for Ourselves

It takes incredible determination and courage to show up and practice on a day-in-day-out basis. Practice is a mirror. Because we practice the same thing—more or less—each day, it's easy to see misalignments both physically and emotionally.  

Yesterday, I had had a disagreement with a vendor I buy supplies from, and I was pretty pissed last night, but I felt pretty clear when I went to sleep. However as soon as I began my meditation practice this morning, I could feel myself fuming, again. And while I tried to ignore, overcome or distract myself from the irritation, I couldn't help but just keep spinning stories of vengeance the whole time. I can't say that I handled the anger with what the Buddhists call "skillful means," but that's what the practice can do. It puts you face-to-face with your stuff, whether you're ready to acknowledge it or not.

And those are the moments when you are really learning the deeper aspects of practice, those moment when you're caught in guilt, anger, grief, or any other powerful emotion that just triggers self-loathing or that comparison game we do.  You know the game,"She's better than I am." "I am more flexible than her." "I wish my butt was less flabby." That whole conversation is an invitation to look deeper, not at the content but at the underlying emotion that's running it.  

Yesterday a dedicated student of mine was complaining in class because, in spite of the fact that he'd been working on his backbend for several years, it lacked the mobility he thought was required of a practitioner of his status. The big learning for him was not having a physical breakthrough but in the recognition that what drove the need for a breakthrough was an underlying, anxiety that didn't just pertain to his backbend but to all aspects of his life.  Now that we've uncovered the anxiety, he can start to work with that rather than the need to "beat it" with a better backbend.

Showing Up in Spite of . . .

The "Yes" that I am speaking of is that in spite of all the bad news we see on 24 hour news channels, the onslaught of information coming our way through the Internet, the bills to pay, the loneliness and isolation we face, we still show up. Like the lotus, when we show up to practice, we're saying, "I could just watch TV or sleep a few more hours. I could give in to inertia or the anxiety or sadness or boredom, but I know that I am more than this. And these feelings are fodder for a breakthrough."

Showing up is a stand for transformation. Through practice, we meet those stuck, tender, painful, and often lonely places within our being that we typically try to avoid. We run away in hot pursuit of things that we think will make us feel better, like sex, money, or the perfect partner.

I'm often asked how long it took me to "be with" the painful things without turning away or distracting myself. Admittedly, there are lots of places I am still struggling to acknowledge in myself. As you read above, I am not particularly masterful with some forms of anger, but then if I look at my capacity to hold feelings of grief or boredom, I can say that I have gotten so much better.

Essentially, all practices cultivate our capacity to stay and be with whatever shows up. That staying really is about staying in relationship to yourself as distinct from the suffering that's showing up. In addition, the staying is about creating a relationship to the suffering. It's a relationship of your choice. If you want to be pissed off that you feel pain, then you get to be pissed off. If you want to see the pain as the key to your awakening, then you get to choose that. My experience is that the more empowering the relationship you create, the more you say, "Yes" to that which you are staying with, the more possibility there is for a breakthrough.

To give you an example, a client of mine was promoted to a huge project in her corporate job that required that she create coordinated communication throughout the company. The project was stalled for one year, which left her feeling guilty and irresponsible. Behind the self-criticism, a feeling of unworthiness was driving her. For a year, she practiced meditation, and her intention was to untangle the self-criticism and to meet the underlying feeling with warmth, compassion, and kindness. About a month ago, she mentioned to me that the sense of unworthiness was waning, and the project had just begun flowing with ease.

Yoga and meditation are lifelong practices. Those tender places cannot be repaired in a day or a few years. What I can say with certainty from first hand experience is that slowly, slowly all things are healed through the cauldron of practice. The bottom line, though, is that this transformation needs a "Yes!!!" from us. All we need to do is show up, do the practice and stay awake.  

The Saturn Return: Ages 28 to 31

A 28 year old client of mine came in yesterday feeling absolutely overwhelmed. He’s at a moment in his life when he feels the pressure of time. He was saying things like, “There’s not enough time in this life to accomplish what I want.” “I know I am meant to be doing much more meaningful work, but I am seriously scared that I won’t make it up the mountain or that I will fail.” This sounds a lot like The Saturn Return.

The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomena when the planet Saturn returns to where it was when you were born. For most people, the Saturn Return happens sometime around 28 to 30. The deal is that Saturn doesn’t just land and then leave. It lands on the spot, goes retrograde, lands again, leaves, etc. So when we go through the Saturn return, it happens over an extended period of time. It kind of is like having a mood over a period of time.The mood is often pretty serious.

I, personally, think it’s really good news. It doesn’t always feel like it, but it’s an amazingly transformative period of life. If you think about it, most of our 20’s are spent trying on varieties of masks. We pick up ‘the partier mask’ and then put it down. Then we try on ‘the professional mask’ and then put that one down, or we try the ‘philosopher mask,’ ‘the adventurer mask,’ ‘the lost person mask,’ etc. Throughout our 20’s we’re trying out lots and lots of stuff. Well, the Saturn Return is all about taking a few masks that do work and fit and refining them into a persona that works for what the soul needs to learn in the 30’s. The whole point of this refining process is to have a useful set of masks that can be worn throughout the 30’s. They create a sort of solidity or foundation.

One thing I think is interesting is that this period of time is when the frontal cortex of the brain completes its development. I have a hunch that this is why a lot of people in their early twenties are not particularly adept at seeing the long-term consequences of their decisions. Choice in our early 20’s is primarily about what’s going to make us happy, now. When we get into our Saturn Return, we start to see that the choices we make have the possibility of creating long-term ramifications. This is probably what that final development of the brain creates, foresight.

Most Saturn Returnees feel a ton of pressure to BE something. Often this this the time when they go back to school and get a degree, when they get married and have a kid, or they just feel paralyzed with fear. This is when Saturn can feel like a malefic force and when a good coach can be really useful, especially if you’re not particularly skilled in the arena of decision making. Coaching during this period is the perfect time to get connected to a sense of who you authentically are where you want your life to go.