The idea behind the book
What is The Performance Trap?
It is what happens when performance gets tied to who you believe you are.
“It’s a contract that says worth is something you earn, not something you have.”
That line comes from the introduction to my book. The contract can be hard to see because it often looks like ordinary dedication. You work hard. You care about getting things right. Other people may admire the result. But inside, the relief is brief. Soon there is something else to prove.
How the trap can show up
You reach a goal you have worked toward for years, and almost immediately your attention moves to the next one. You say yes to something you do not want because disappointing someone feels more dangerous than leaving yourself. Or you take up meditation, therapy, or another practice and begin measuring whether you are doing that well enough, too.
Those are different situations. What they may share is the feeling that being yourself, without the right result or response, will not be enough. The book calls that the performance trap. It is a way of naming a pattern, not a diagnosis or an explanation for everything a person does.
In my own life, even the wish to become calm and spiritually evolved could become one more thing to accomplish. I can see the humor in that now. I can also feel how much pressure I was under.
Why I wrote the book
The first part of The Performance Trap is my story. It includes the years in which achievement, belonging, grief, and my body became tangled together. The second part turns to client stories and practices. I did not want to present a clean answer from outside the pattern. I wanted to make it possible to recognize the pattern while you are inside it.
The book does not ask you to abandon ambition or stop caring about your work. It asks what happens when a result is made to carry your worth. Success may be real and meaningful. It just may not be able to answer that particular ache.
Read about the book and its available formats or listen to part of the introduction.
What can change
For me, a useful beginning is to notice what happens in the body when the old demand appears. Maybe there is a tightening in the chest before you agree to something. Maybe you feel a rush to explain yourself, or a familiar collapse after a mistake. You do not have to make that feeling disappear before you can pay attention to it.
In a conversation about the book with Adam Keen, I described learning to be in relationship with anxiety rather than trying to override it. I still feel it. That is part of why I speak about this as a continuing practice, not a final state of calm.
You can try a short guided practice without signing up. If you want more structure, the four-week Practice includes guided material and two private conversations. If you want to work with me directly, explore coaching. You can start wherever you are.