Transforming ourselves is a complex and profound journey that demands great dedication and effort. Yet, despite the daunting challenges, we can find comfort in knowing that we are not alone in navigating this enigmatic terrain. Along the way, there are guides and resources available to offer wisdom and support, illuminating the path forward and empowering us to embark on this transformative quest. Through the experiences and insights of those who have gone before us, we can benefit from the valuable breadcrumbs they have left behind. By following the maps and lessons they have shared, we can gain greater clarity and navigate these mysterious waters with more confidence and purpose.
As we journey into the unknown territory ahead, the following serves as a preliminary outline, providing a basic map and general direction to guide us along the path. It's called the four stages of competence1. It maps the progression of learning a new skill, starting from unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don't know), to conscious incompetence (realizing what you don't know), then to conscious competence (developing skill through practice and focus), and finally to unconscious competence (skill becomes second nature).
To illustrate these different phases of transformation, we can examine the experiences of two individuals, Shirley and Steve:
Over the last several months, Steve, Shirley's manager, had noticed a change in her behavior. Shirley had become more withdrawn and volatile every time he'd give her constructive feedback on her work. This behavior was causing tension in their working relationship, and Steve found himself feeling increasingly weighed down by it. He viewed her behavior as a personal issue that she needed to work through on her own rather than recognizing that he might be influencing her behavior.
STAGE 1: UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE: NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW
Often, before starting a journey of personal growth, we may find ourselves in a state of "unconscious incompetence." This means we are not aware of our own role in our struggles and difficulties. Our dissatisfaction with various aspects of our lives, such as our profession, relationships, or personal growth, often comes from external factors or the actions of others. Rather than acknowledging our own part in these situations, we tend to assign blame solely to others or circumstances beyond our control. This mindset can hinder us from taking ownership and finding solutions to our problems.
STAGE 2: CONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE: REALIZING WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW
We move to the stage of conscious competence when we recognize that our old ways of coping are no longer effective or when we reach a critical breaking point. This could manifest as crises, frustration, emptiness, or loneliness, which can escalate until we can no longer continue living as we have been. For instance, we may experience a sudden realization that we have been neglecting important relationships or aspects of our lives, burnout from overwork, or the consequences of avoiding or denying our actions.
One day, Steve's team encountered a sudden loss when a member, Eliza, quit without prior notice. During her exit interview, Eliza attributed her decision to Steve's management style, which included micromanaging her work and depriving her of autonomy. She also noted that Steve's demeanor towards her was distant and punitive, exacerbating her frustrations. Additionally, Steve received word that Shirley was contemplating leaving the team.
In the stage of conscious competence, we become aware of our own limitations, patterns, and beliefs that have been driving our behaviors and decisions. This awareness allows us to recognize that there are different and potentially better ways of approaching our relationships with ourselves and others. We actively seek out new tools, resources, and guidance to help us make the necessary changes. At this stage, we are aware of the need to learn and improve.
To embark on this transformational journey, it's crucial to have a guide and mentor who can help us cross the symbolic threshold that marks the transition from one state of being to another. In many myths, this shift is depicted as a descent into darkness or a journey into a cave, signifying the unknown and unexplored territories of our inner selves. During this period, we may experience a range of emotions, such as confusion, frustration, and even self-doubt. Having a mentor or guide who can provide support, direction and insights can be immensely helpful as we attempt to transition from conscious incompetence to conscious competence.
At the recommendation of his company's CEO, Steven sought coaching services from me. The CEO had expressed his concern that unless Steven improved his leadership skills, he might face the risk of being terminated.
STAGE 3: CONSCIOUS COMPETENCE: DEVELOPING SKILL THROUGH PRACTICE AND FOCUS
Steven was initially defensive in our first meeting and did not think that he needed coaching. Although he had faced issues like employee resignations and stress from his team members, he remained skeptical that change was possible. However, as we progressed through our sessions and probed deeper, Steven came to the realization that he couldn't rectify his leadership shortcomings on his own and that the guidance of a coach was necessary.
To overcome our challenges and obstacles, it is important to approach them with a beginner's mindset. This requires letting go of our defenses, such as denial, rationalization, minimization, or blame. By acknowledging these defenses and being open to new knowledge, skills, and perspectives, we can begin to learn and grow in ways that enable us to thrive in our new reality.
While this can be challenging, the first step towards this new way of thinking is to become aware of our current thought patterns and actively work towards cultivating an open and receptive mindset. By doing so, we can more easily explore unfamiliar terrain and discover new insights and perspectives that can help us navigate our way forward.
In one of our early meetings, Steve confided in me about Shirley's behavior, expressing concern over her growing disengagement and unpredictable mood swings. As a key member of his team, he depended on her and feared the potential consequences of her departure. I advised him to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her to understand the root cause of her behavior and to let her know how important she was to him and the team. However, Steve was apprehensive about her reaction and felt that it would be unproductive.
Given his reluctance to meet face-to-face, I advised Steve to write a letter to Shirley expressing his appreciation for her and how much he valued her contributions to the team. The letter would also convey his desire for her to remain on the team and how important she was to its success. Although Steve wrote the letter, he hesitated to share it with me, fearing that I would perceive him as weak. He believed that expressing his feelings openly was a sign of weakness and may have been afraid of being judged or viewed as less competent.
Steve's initial reluctance to share his feelings is a common tendency among many individuals who avoid vulnerability and suppress their emotions. This is often due to the fear of being judged or perceived as weak. However, in order to develop new skills and grow as individuals, it is essential to acknowledge our sensitivity and open ourselves up to vulnerability. By remaining guarded and suppressing our emotions, we inhibit our ability to identify and address the underlying causes of our challenges and obstacles.
Steve and I explored why he struggled to be honest with Shirley. Steve's father passed away when he was eight, leaving his mother as the sole provider for him and his sister. His mother was overwhelmed with the loss of her husband and the financial burden of taking care of her children. Whenever Steve was upset, she would lock him in his room, unable to handle his emotional needs. Steve learned to be independent and self-sufficient, but he never felt like he could let anyone get too close. He developed a critical inner voice that mimicked his mother's disapproval, telling him not to be weak or a burden when he felt scared or hurt.
Understanding our past experiences and how they shape our current behavior and beliefs can be immensely helpful in freeing us up to show up differently. By identifying and challenging the beliefs that restrict us, we can begin to learn a new way of being. However, unlearning what has been deeply conditioned can be a difficult and challenging journey
Steve struggled with negative self-talk throughout coaching, doubting his ability to improve relationships. Despite feeling overwhelmed and considering quitting our work, he recognized the need to challenge his beliefs. Failure to address his self- doubt could lead to losing team members, job loss, and hinder career advancement. With my support, Steve persevered in his journey of personal growth.
It's important to remember that setbacks and failures are a normal part of the learning process, and they can actually help us grow and develop. Although the journey toward change may be challenging and sometimes frustrating, we can become stronger and more resilient by staying committed to our goals and persevering through obstacles. Along the way, we may encounter unacknowledged loss, regret, disappointment, shame, and doubt, but by facing them with courage and determination, we can ultimately emerge stronger and more empowered.
The path to progress is rarely linear, and it can often feel like a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs. While it's natural to desire a clear and straightforward path to success, the reality is that growth and development often come with setbacks and challenges, not unlike watching the stock market. When we look for progress over a week, We can see significant progress over time we see a lot of ups and downs. by zooming out and looking at the bigger picture.
At some point in the journey, we are pushed to our limits and forced to confront our deepest fears and flaws. This is a moment where we are tested and requires us to risk everything. Often the thing w must confront is our own personal demon.
Despite his fears and doubts, he mustered the courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Shirley, expressing his appreciation for her contributions and how important she was to the team's success. Steve shared his feelings openly, acknowledging his past struggles and fears of being judged or viewed as weak. To his surprise, Shirley was receptive to his words and was touched by his vulnerability, which brought them closer together.
STAGE 4: UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE: SKILL BECOMES SECOND NATURE
Eventually, we come across a critical juncture in our lives where we must summon the bravery to confront our greatest fears. If we persevere, we emerge transformed and empowered. This breakthrough gives us access to a new way of existing, which becomes a natural part of our being.
Following their last conversation, Shirley felt more comfortable sharing her concerns and previous thoughts of leaving the team with Steve. From then on, Steve consistently showed his appreciation for Shirley's contributions and acknowledged her hard work. He made a conscious effort to listen to her concerns and provide support whenever needed. As a result, Shirley gradually began to trust Steve again, as he showed genuine interest in her growth and development, ultimately leading to a stronger working relationship between them.
The culmination of the journey from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence is a return to our everyday lives with a deeper sense of purpose and a greater capacity to effect change. This journey benefits not just ourselves but our entire community. We are able to share our newfound knowledge and lead in new directions.
Whenever we embark on an adventure that requires us to enhance our skills, we should be prepared for substantial obstacles. However, we can also look forward to countless benefits and rewards that we will reap along the way. As we venture outside of our comfort zones and explore new horizons, we can unlock a sense of self-awareness, purpose, and fulfillment that may have been previously unattainable. As your coach, our role is to provide unwavering support throughout this journey, helping us to navigate the challenges and confront our fears and limitations. Through this process, we will cultivate the self-awareness and self-compassion that are necessary for us to overcome obstacles and become the leaders we aspire to be.