The Many Masks of Personality
The word "personality" comes from the Latin word "persona," which means "mask." In ancient Rome, actors wore masks to portray different characters in plays. The word "persona" has come to refer to our roles in life and the various masks we wear to present ourselves to the world. The concept of personality has evolved, but at its core, it refers to a performance. The mask is just one of the many roles we play; we wear many throughout our lives. If you track yourself over days or weeks, you'll see that your personality shifts from one situation to the next.
As a child, my mom would become so angry with us, but then she'd switch characters as soon as the phone rang. She'd become cheerful, friendly, and open, almost like she had two different personalities. I used to call her two-faced because of this.
If you look closely, you'll see that we all wear different masks in different situations. We present ourselves one way in the board room, and in the bedroom, we might be completely different. This is a natural part of human behavior. It doesn't necessarily mean that we are insincere or dishonest when we adjust our behavior to fit the expectations of a particular situation or achieve a specific goal. However, it's also important to be authentic rather than trying to be someone we're not.
Now, the question is, where does our personality come from? Why are some people skeptical and others open-minded, for example? The answer is that our upbringing and life experiences significantly shape our views on life, which can influence our beliefs and assumptions and ultimately shape our personalities. The development of our character is a dynamic process that begins in childhood and continues throughout our lifespan, and a range of biological, psychological, and social factors influences it.
Childhood and Personality Development
Children’s personalities and ways of responding develop through experience. Learning to manage emotions is part of that development.
For example, we may quickly shift from one mask to another and have trouble managing our reactions to different situations. Imagine a child playing with their toys and having a great time. Suddenly, another child takes one of their toys, and the first child becomes angry and upset, expressing frustration and disappointment through crying and tantrums. However, once the other child returns the toy, the first child calms down and becomes happy and content again. This example demonstrates how our environment and experiences influence our character and personality.
The prefrontal cortex, which contributes to planning and decision-making, continues developing through the mid-to-late twenties. This is a gradual process, rather than a change that happens at one exact age. NIMH’s overview of brain development.
As the prefrontal cortex matures, we become more attuned to social cues and learn how to behave in different situations. This process plays a significant role in shaping our character and personality. We might learn explicit norms, such as being kind and apologizing when we hurt someone's feelings and implicit ones, like maintaining eye contact and using appropriate body language. These norms help us understand and navigate our environment and significantly impact the formation of our personality.
Our parents' behavior and values can also shape our character. For example, if our parents were open about their emotions, we might learn that it is okay to trust certain people and express our feelings. On the other hand, if our parents consistently avoided or downplayed difficult or painful topics, we might internalize the message that it is not okay to express ourselves. If our parents placed a high value on external validation and the opinions of others, we might internalize the belief that our worth depends on how we are perceived by others. Self-esteem issues might lead us to seek approval and validation from others and feel anxious or insecure if we cannot meet their expectations or live up to their standards.
Navigating Peer Pressure and Identity Formation
Changes in hormone levels during puberty can affect our personality development in several ways. We may become more sensitive to stress and more prone to conflict. Additionally, changes in hormone levels can affect our sex drive and desire for physical intimacy, which can impact our romantic relationships.
One of the key developmental tasks of adolescence is forming a sense of self. During this time, we may feel pressure to fit in and seek approval from our peers. The need to conform can lead us to adopt certain social norms and engage in certain activities or hobbies to be considered "popular." We may also feel pressure to conform to certain standards of behavior or attitudes to be accepted by certain groups. Establishing a sense of identity often involves testing the limits of our autonomy and independence. We may even engage in risky or unhealthy behaviors to be seen as "edgy" or "cool."
Forming Friendships and Making Choices in the 20s
As we transition into our early 20s, we may face new interpersonal challenges, particularly as we learn to navigate the complexities of adult life, including entering the workplace. Some of us may start our careers at this stage, while others may continue our education or explore other paths.
Entering the workplace can contribute to forming our personality through challenges such as learning new social norms and expectations, building professional relationships, and finding a balance between work and personal life. These challenges may also intersect with other interpersonal challenges, such as building independence from family and friends, establishing and maintaining close relationships, and managing and expressing emotions.
In our twenties, new freedoms, relationships and responsibilities give us different situations in which to learn about ourselves. The choices we make vary widely from one person to another.
In these years, we might form friendships focused around drug or alcohol use, extreme sports or other dangerous activities, or perhaps engage in risky sexual relationships. However, not all people in their 20s engage in hazardous activities.
Reassessing life in the late twenties
For some people, the late twenties bring a reassessment of the life they are building. Starting a career, getting married or having children may bring new responsibilities. Those changes can lead us to reconsider our familiar roles, but a crisis is not inevitable.
Brain development and personality are complex. They do not establish a timetable that everyone follows. New responsibilities can challenge the ways we have learned to manage pressure.
John was once very ambitious, always striving for promotions and willing to take on any responsibility that came his way. However, when he was promoted to SVP at a FinTech company and became a father at the same time, the pressure became too much for him. He began experiencing panic attacks and struggled to manage his responsibilities at work and home, leading to a leave of absence. With the help of coaching, John learned to slow down, become present, and prioritize what was important in his life. He also practiced gratitude and meditation, which helped him feel more confident when he returned to work. As a result of these changes, John became more emotionally relatable to his colleagues and less driven to constantly seek out the next milestone. Instead, he became more present and focused at work and with his family.
A transition can prompt us to reassess what we value and the qualities we want to embody. Choices we made earlier may no longer fit the lives we hope to lead.
The Importance of Resilience in Personality Development
Personality can continue to change throughout life. Relationships, education, work and other experiences can influence how we respond. Turning 27 does not mark a final form of either the brain or the personality.
Difficult experiences can lead us to look for support and new ways of responding. Meditation, art, dance, writing or talking with someone may be part of that exploration. Adversity does not have to be called a gift to deserve attention.
I have some amazing friends and family in their 70s and 80s who have been dancers and artists. They have sought various therapies and philosophies. They've done yoga and meditation. They've experimented with psychedelics, traveled, stayed connected to friends and family, and remained creative. Their personalities remain open and receptive. I can share my wacky ideas and all the things I am exploring with them, and rather than scorning me, I'm met with wonder and curiosity.
I also know people who find it difficult to consider another perspective. Age alone does not explain that difference. The question here is how willing we are to notice and reconsider a familiar response.
I have also seen how perfectionism can follow someone into spiritual practice. Instead of becoming curious about the pressure to get everything right, practice becomes another place to meet that demand.
When a familiar role is the only response we can imagine, it can become difficult to meet a new situation. Noticing the effort of maintaining that role gives us somewhere to begin exploring another response.
However, by recognizing the complexity of personality and the various masks we wear, we can approach these masks with a sense of playfulness and flexibility. By bringing awareness to the roles we play and the masks we wear, we can make more authentic choices about who we want to be in a given moment and explore different aspects of ourselves. Understanding our essential nature as the true face behind the mask allows us to be more open to being authentic in our interactions with others.
Try this: Notice the effort of keeping the role going
Think of one situation where you work hard to come across a certain way. Competent, easygoing, helpful, or unaffected. What do you want the other person to see?
As you imagine that situation, notice what your body does. You might hold your breath, lift your shoulders, or arrange your face into a smile. If there is no obvious sensation, notice the effort of choosing what to say.
What would feel risky about letting the other person see a little more of what is true? Perhaps you do not know the answer, need time, or disagree. Stay with the feeling of that risk for a few breaths, without requiring yourself to disclose anything.
Then consider one small response you could use in a suitable situation. Ask for time to think. Admit you do not know. Say a preference. A role can be useful. The performance trap becomes relevant when keeping that role feels necessary to remain acceptable, even at the cost of what you can feel and say.
Summary:
Personality is the mask we wear to present ourselves to the world.
Our upbringing and life experiences shape our personalities.
Personality is a dynamic process that changes throughout our lifetime.
Fifteen minutes with one moment of your own.
TRY THE WRITTEN REFLECTIONI wrote a book about that. I’m Chad Herst, a coach and licensed acupuncturist (LAc) in San Francisco. The first chapter is twenty-eight minutes, read in my own voice. Enter your name and email and I’ll send it to you.
SEND ME CHAPTER ONE