The Many Masks of Personality

The word "personality" comes from the Latin word "persona," which means "mask." In ancient Rome, actors wore masks to portray different characters in plays. The word "persona" has come to refer to our roles in life and the various masks we wear to present ourselves to the world. The concept of personality has evolved, but at its core, it refers to a performance. The mask is just one of the many roles we play; we wear many throughout our lives. If you track yourself over days or weeks, you'll see that your personality shifts from one situation to the next. 

As a child, my mom would become so angry with us, but then she'd switch characters as soon as the phone rang. She'd become cheerful, friendly, and open, almost like she had two different personalities. I used to call her two-faced because of this.

If you look closely, you'll see that we all wear different masks in different situations. We present ourselves one way in the board room, and in the bedroom, we might be completely different. This is a natural part of human behavior. It doesn't necessarily mean that we are insincere or dishonest when we adjust our behavior to fit the expectations of a particular situation or achieve a specific goal. However, it's also important to be authentic rather than trying to be someone we're not.

Now, the question is, where does our personality come from? Why are some people skeptical and others open-minded, for example? The answer is that our upbringing and life experiences significantly shape our views on life, which can influence our beliefs and assumptions and ultimately shape our personalities. The development of our character is a dynamic process that begins in childhood and continues throughout our lifespan, and a range of biological, psychological, and social factors influences it.

Childhood and Personality Development

As we can see in children, character and personality are not fixed and can be influenced by life experiences. Children have a diverse range of character traits at the start of their lives because they struggle to regulate their emotions. As we can see in children, character and personality are not fixed and can be influenced by life experiences. Children start with a diverse range of character traits and may have trouble regulating emotions.

For example, we may quickly shift from one mask to another and have trouble managing our reactions to different situations. Imagine a child playing with their toys and having a great time. Suddenly, another child takes one of their toys, and the first child becomes angry and upset, expressing frustration and disappointment through crying and tantrums. However, once the other child returns the toy, the first child calms down and becomes happy and content again. This example demonstrates how our environment and experiences influence our character and personality.

Our brains are still developing, and this can affect our ability to regulate our emotions and make good decisions. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, problem-solving, and impulse control, is still in the process of maturation, which can last up to 27 years.

As the prefrontal cortex matures, we become more attuned to social cues and learn how to behave in different situations. This process plays a significant role in shaping our character and personality. We might learn explicit norms, such as being kind and apologizing when we hurt someone's feelings and implicit ones, like maintaining eye contact and using appropriate body language. These norms help us understand and navigate our environment and significantly impact the formation of our personality.

Our parents' behavior and values can also shape our character. For example, if our parents were open about their emotions, we might learn that it is okay to trust certain people and express our feelings. On the other hand, if our parents consistently avoided or downplayed difficult or painful topics, we might internalize the message that it is not okay to express ourselves. If our parents placed a high value on external validation and the opinions of others, we might internalize the belief that our worth depends on how we are perceived by others. Self-esteem issues might lead us to seek approval and validation from others and feel anxious or insecure if we cannot meet their expectations or live up to their standards.

Navigating Peer Pressure and Identity Formation

Changes in hormone levels during puberty can affect our personality development in several ways. We may become more sensitive to stress and more prone to conflict. Additionally, changes in hormone levels can affect our sex drive and desire for physical intimacy, which can impact our romantic relationships.

One of the key developmental tasks of adolescence is forming a sense of self. During this time, we may feel pressure to fit in and seek approval from our peers. The need to conform can lead us to adopt certain social norms and engage in certain activities or hobbies to be considered "popular." We may also feel pressure to conform to certain standards of behavior or attitudes to be accepted by certain groups. Establishing a sense of identity often involves testing the limits of our autonomy and independence. We may even engage in risky or unhealthy behaviors to be seen as "edgy" or "cool."

Forming Friendships and Making Choices in the 20s

As we transition into our early 20s, we may face new interpersonal challenges, particularly as we learn to navigate the complexities of adult life, including entering the workplace. Some of us may start our careers at this stage, while others may continue our education or explore other paths. 

Entering the workplace can contribute to forming our personality through challenges such as learning new social norms and expectations, building professional relationships, and finding a balance between work and personal life. These challenges may also intersect with other interpersonal challenges, such as building independence from family and friends, establishing and maintaining close relationships, and managing and expressing emotions.

During this period, we may be more inclined to take risks and seek out new experiences. This may be due, in part, to the development of the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in decision-making and impulse control. As it develops, it is thought to play a role in our increased tendency to take risks and seek new experiences.

In these years, we might form friendships focused around drug or alcohol use, extreme sports or other dangerous activities, or perhaps engage in risky sexual relationships. However, not all people in their 20s engage in hazardous activities. 

The Late 20s Crisis

Then our personality goes through a major overhaul. Between 27 and 30, we go through a major transition from young adulthood to full adulthood. We may take on new challenges and responsibilities during this period, such as starting a career, getting married, or having children. These experiences send us into a crisis that forces our personalities into a process of refinement and solidification. 

While the relationship between brain development and personality is complex and not fully understood, it is thought that the maturation of the prefrontal cortex may contribute to an increased ability to make sound decisions, plan for the future, and regulate emotions. Additionally, the limbic system, which is involved in emotional processing and regulation, continues to mature and become more efficient during this time, leading to an increased ability to manage and express emotions in a healthy way. 

John was once very ambitious, always striving for promotions and willing to take on any responsibility that came his way. However, when he was promoted to SVP at a FinTech company and became a father at the same time, the pressure became too much for him. He began experiencing panic attacks and struggled to manage his responsibilities at work and home, leading to a leave of absence. With the help of coaching, John learned to slow down, become present, and prioritize what was important in his life. He also practiced gratitude and meditation, which helped him feel more confident when he returned to work. As a result of these changes, John became more emotionally relatable to his colleagues and less driven to constantly seek out the next milestone. Instead, he became more present and focused at work and with his family.

As we enter our late 20s, it's common to experience a crisis that prompts us to reassess what we value and the qualities of character we want to embody moving forward. The development of our brain during this time may force us to realize that our choices in our early 20s may not align with our desired future or the goals we truly care about. As a result, we may decide to shed personality traits that don't align with the lives we hope to lead.

The Importance of Resilience in Personality Development

After the prefrontal cortex makes its final maturation at 27 years old, the personality continues to develop and change throughout our lifetime. Life experiences, such as relationships, education, career, and other personal and professional challenges, continue to shape and influence our personality. Some studies suggest that personality can continue to evolve and change throughout our lifetime, even in old age, as long as we are open to new experiences and continue to learn and grow. 

Research shows that resilience, our ability to adapt and recover from adversity, is a key factor that allows us to continue evolving. It is often developed through experiencing challenges such as depression, isolation, loss, trauma, failure, or change. By exploring tools that help us work through and ultimately grow from adversity, such as meditation, art, dance, writing, or seeking support from others, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Our adversity can then be a gift rather than a curse, a necessary catalyst that helps us become more self-accepting, open-minded, empathetic, and well-rounded.

I have some amazing friends and family in their 70s and 80s who have been dancers and artists. They have sought various therapies and philosophies. They've done yoga and meditation. They've experimented with psychedelics, traveled, stayed connected to friends and family, and remained creative. Their personalities remain open and receptive. I can share my wacky ideas and all the things I am exploring with them, and rather than scorning me, I'm met with wonder and curiosity.

Then there are those in my life who have become closed off, stuck in their ways and find it hard to relate. If we don't actively work through the adversity that comes our way, our personalities may become rigid. Some research suggests that the brain's ability to adapt and change may decline with age, potentially leading to the development of more inflexible personality traits.  

My godmother, who I adore, has always been very perfectionistic. She never learned to work with this personality trait. She meditated and was involved in a Tibetan Buddhist meditation group, but I always sensed that she was using her spiritual practice to enhance her perfectionism. She never used to shine a light on the pain and trauma in her childhood that spawned it. 

As she's approaching 80, she's taking care of my godfather, who has a brain disease like ALS. He is experiencing symptoms such as memory loss, difficulty with thinking and problem-solving, visual hallucinations, movement problems, and sleep disorders. As she cares for him, her perfectionism has become so acute that she lives with constant anxiety. The pressure she puts on herself to ensure he is well cared for provokes severe insomnia. She's become impossible to be with. She nitpicks at her friends' flaws. This situation with her husband is so difficult because she never addressed her perfectionism, and now that mask is the only one she knows how to wear.  

If we don't continue to develop new tools and skills to help us overcome life's inevitable obstacles, our personalities tend to become inflexible and resistant to change. By avoiding adversity or rejecting novel ways of thinking or being, we may miss out on opportunities to continue to grow and evolve as individuals. This stagnation may lead to a decline in our personality, causing us to become less adaptable and resilient, making it more difficult to handle future challenges and changes. As a result, our character may become less open-minded and less able to empathize with others.

However, by recognizing the complexity of personality and the various masks we wear, we can approach these masks with a sense of playfulness and flexibility. By bringing awareness to the roles we play and the masks we wear, we can make more authentic choices about who we want to be in a given moment and explore different aspects of ourselves. Understanding our essential nature as the true face behind the mask allows us to be more open to being authentic in our interactions with others.

Summary:

1. Personality is the mask we wear to present ourselves to the world.

2. Our upbringing and life experiences shape our personalities.

3. Personality is a dynamic process that changes throughout our lifetime.

Emotion & Leadership

The old 1950s paradigm that a leader must ignore or suppress her/his emotional urges has been thoroughly discredited over the last 20 years of research. Instead, research shows, time and again, that leaders that are aware of their moods, emotions, and drives, can leverage that competency to drive positive organizational change. While logic and intellect have made our lives easier in many ways—giving us indoor plumbing and high speed internet—they do not motivate people. By placing too high a value on brainpower rather than heart-power, we inadvertently demotivate the teams we lead. Why?

A Leader’s Emotional Field

Because our emotional field acts like an unseen force that either motivates or discourages the teams of people we lead. Our emotions have a profound impact on shaping the perceptions around us. To convey this point, look at the following photo and see if you can answer the question: Which monster is bigger?:

runningmonster

Both monsters are, in fact, of equal size.

runningmonstera

The visual distortions produced by the lines in the background make the monster in the back appear larger. Our emotions are like those background lines. They’re affecting everyone else’s perception of us, but we are unaware of their impact. Maybe we want our team to focus on meeting their numbers; closing a deal; or putting out a fire. The background of emotion we inject into the achievement of tasks and goals acts as a sort of frame that contextualizes our team’s experience.

If, for example, we are scared that our team will not make its quota and unaware of the intensity of our fear, we will inadvertently demotivate. Unless we are aware of the emotional fields we create, we, as leaders, will not be aware of our impact upon those we influence. As a result, we will be powerless to wield these unseen forces and silent messages that shape, not only our teams’ experiences, but, ultimately, the destiny of the organizations we lead.

Emotions are infectious in a way that concepts are not. Unlike like logic or analysis, emotion drives action. Without emotion, we are not inspire. Exhilaration, loyalty, fury, and affection give our work lives vibrancy and purpose. Attraction, desire, and enthusiasm draw us toward people and situations, while fear, shame, guilt, and disgust repel us from others. In all cases, emotions act as an all-pervading guide. Emotion has a way of drawing us into almost immediate alignment in a way that thoughts cannot.

That's why watching movies in the theater can be more powerful than when we watch them at home. We are surrounded by others’ emotional responses. It is also why stampedes form in stadiums when crowds of people are filled with fright or anger. And we all know what it is like to work in environments where emotions like worry, doubt, and cynicism pervade. Emotional fields like these have an incredible capacity to take the wind out of our sails.

Researchers at management the consulting firm, Hay/McBer, have shown that emotional competencies are twice as important in contributing to leadership excellence as are pure intellect and technical expertise . Additionally, the United States Office of Personnel Management oversaw an analysis of the competencies deemed to set superior performers apart from barely adequate ones for virtually every federal job. For lower-level positions, there was a higher premium on technical abilities than on interpersonal ones. As people advanced in their position, interpersonal skills became more important in distinguishing superior from average performance. In other words, it’s more important for leaders to be likeable than it is for them to be smart.

The goods news is that research demonstrates that E.Q. (Emotional Quotient) is learnable. Emotional intelligence is not just something some people are born with and others not, like I.Q. The essential set of skills, the core, in fact, is developed through mindfulness training, which is a simple, age-old, time-tested technique that builds self-awareness and empathy.