How to Navigate the Four Stages of Personal Transformation

Mind/Body Foundations represents a significant turning point in our personal growth journey. It marks the beginning of a process of self-discovery that enables us to cultivate a heightened sense of self-awareness. However, this transformative path requires us to venture outside of our comfort zones and explore new territories.

Undertaking this journey requires dedication and effort, as it is a complex and profound process. Nonetheless, we need not navigate this enigmatic terrain alone. Along the way, we can benefit from the wisdom and support of guides and resources that illuminate the path forward. By drawing on the experiences and insights of those who have gone before us, we can gain valuable insights and navigate these mysterious waters more confidently and purposefully. Following the maps and lessons left behind by these trailblazers can provide us with greater clarity and empower us to embark on this transformative quest.

As we journey into the unknown territory ahead, the following serves as a preliminary outline, providing a basic map and general direction to guide us along the path. It's called the four stages of competence. It maps the progression of learning a new skill, starting from unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don't know), to conscious incompetence (realizing what you don't know), then to conscious competence (developing skill through practice and focus), and finally to unconscious competence (skill becomes second nature).

To illustrate these different phases of transformation, we can examine the experiences of two individuals, Shirley and Steve:

Over the last several months, Steve, Shirley's manager, had noticed a change in her behavior. Shirley became more withdrawn and volatile every time he gave her constructive feedback on her work. This behavior was causing tension in their working relationship, and Steve felt increasingly weighed down by it. He viewed her behavior as a personal issue that she needed to work through on her own rather than recognizing that he might be influencing her behavior.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence: not knowing what we don't know

Often, before starting a journey of personal growth, we may find ourselves in a state of "unconscious incompetence." This means we are unaware of our own role in our struggles and difficulties. Our dissatisfaction with various aspects of our lives, such as our profession, relationships, or personal growth, often comes from external factors or the actions of others. Rather than acknowledging our own part in these situations, we tend to assign blame solely to others or circumstances beyond our control. This mindset can hinder us from taking ownership and finding solutions to our problems.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: realizing what we don't know

We move to the conscious competence stage when we recognize that our old coping methods are no longer effective or when we reach a critical breaking point. This could manifest as crises, frustration, emptiness, or loneliness, which can escalate until we can no longer continue living as we have been. For instance, we may experience a sudden realization that we have been neglecting important relationships or aspects of our lives, burnout from overwork, or the consequences of avoiding or denying our actions.

One day, Steve's team encountered a sudden loss when a member, Eliza, quit without prior notice. During her exit interview, Eliza attributed her decision to Steve's management style, which included micromanaging her work and depriving her of autonomy. She also noted that Steve's demeanor towards her was distant and punitive, exacerbating her frustrations. Additionally, Steve received word that Shirley was contemplating leaving the team.

In the stage of conscious competence, we become aware of our own limitations, patterns, and beliefs that have been driving our behaviors and decisions. This awareness allows us to recognize that there are different and potentially better ways of approaching our relationships with ourselves and others. We actively seek new tools, resources, and guidance to help us make the necessary changes. At this stage, we grasp the need to learn and improve.

To embark on this transformational journey, it's crucial to have a guide and mentor who can help us cross the symbolic threshold that marks the transition from one state of being to another. In many myths, this shift is depicted as a descent into darkness or a journey into a cave, signifying the unknown and unexplored territories of our inner selves. During this period, we may experience a range of emotions, such as confusion, frustration, and even self-doubt. Having a mentor or guide who can provide support, direction and insights can be immensely helpful as we transition from conscious incompetence to conscious competence.

At the recommendation of his company's CEO, Steven sought coaching services from me. The CEO had expressed his concern that unless Steven improved his leadership skills, he might face the risk of being terminated.

Stage 3: Conscious competence: developing skill through practice and focus

Steven was initially defensive in our first meeting and did not think he needed coaching. Although he had faced issues like employee resignations and stress from his team members, he remained skeptical that change was possible. However, as we progressed through our sessions and probed deeper, Steven realized that he couldn't rectify his leadership shortcomings on his own and that the guidance of a coach was necessary.

To overcome our challenges and obstacles, it is important to approach them with a beginner's mindset. This requires letting go of our defenses, such as denial, rationalization, minimization, or blame. By acknowledging these defenses and being open to new knowledge, skills, and perspectives, we can begin to learn and grow in ways that enable us to thrive in our new reality.

While this can be challenging, the first step towards this new way of thinking is to become aware of our current thought patterns and actively work towards cultivating an open and receptive mindset. By doing so, we can more easily explore unfamiliar terrain and discover new insights and perspectives that can help us navigate our way forward. 

In one of our early meetings, Steve confided in me about Shirley's behavior, expressing concern over her growing disengagement and unpredictable mood swings. As a key member of his team, he depended on her and feared the potential consequences of her departure. I advised him to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her to understand the root cause of her behavior and to let her know how important she was to him and the team. However, Steve was apprehensive about her reaction and felt it would be unproductive. 

Given his reluctance to meet face-to-face, I advised Steve to write a letter to Shirley expressing his appreciation for her and how much he valued her contributions to the team. The letter would also convey his desire for her to remain on the team and how important she was to its success. Although Steve wrote the letter, he hesitated to share it with me, fearing that I would perceive him as weak. He believed that expressing his feelings openly was a sign of weakness and may have been afraid of being judged or viewed as less competent.

Steve's initial reluctance to share his feelings is a common tendency among many individuals who avoid vulnerability and suppress their emotions. This is often due to the fear of being judged or perceived as weak. However, to develop new skills and grow as individuals, we must acknowledge our sensitivity and open ourselves up to vulnerability. By remaining guarded and suppressing our emotions, we inhibit our ability to identify and address the underlying causes of our challenges and obstacles.

Steve and I explored why he struggled to be honest with Shirley. Steve's father passed away when he was eight, leaving his mother as the sole provider for him and his sister. His mother was overwhelmed with the loss of her husband and the financial burden of taking care of her children. Whenever Steve was upset, she would lock him in his room, unable to handle his emotional needs. 

Steve learned to be independent and self-sufficient but never felt like he could let anyone get too close. He developed a critical inner voice that mimicked his mother's disapproval, telling him not to be weak or a burden when he felt scared or hurt.

Understanding our past experiences and how they shape our current behavior and beliefs can be immensely helpful in freeing us up to show up differently. We can learn a new way of being by identifying and challenging the beliefs that restrict us. However, unlearning what has been deeply conditioned can be a challenging journey.

Steve struggled with negative self-talk throughout coaching, doubting his ability to improve relationships. Despite feeling overwhelmed and considering quitting our work, he recognized the need to challenge his beliefs. Failure to address his self-doubt could lead to losing team members, job loss, and hinder career advancement. With my support, Steve persevered in his journey of personal growth.

It's important to remember that setbacks and failures are a normal part of the learning process. They can actually help us grow and develop. Although the journey toward change may be challenging and sometimes frustrating, we can become stronger and more resilient by staying committed to our goals and persevering through obstacles. Along the way, we may encounter unacknowledged loss, regret, disappointment, shame, and doubt. Still, by facing them with courage and determination, we can ultimately emerge stronger and more empowered.

The path to progress is rarely linear, and it can often feel like a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs. While it's natural to desire a clear and straightforward path to success, the reality is that growth and development often come with setbacks and challenges, not unlike watching the stock market.:

We can see significant progress over time by zooming out and looking at the bigger picture.

When we look for progress over a week, we see a lot of ups and downs.

At some point in the journey, we are pushed to our limits and forced to confront our deepest fears and flaws. This is a moment where we are tested and requires us to risk everything. Often the thing w must confront is our own personal demons.

Despite his fears and doubts, he mustered the courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Shirley, expressing his appreciation for her contributions and importance to the team's success. Steve shared his feelings openly, acknowledging his past struggles and fears of being judged or viewed as weak. To his surprise, Shirley was receptive to his words and was touched by his vulnerability, which brought them closer together.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: Skill becomes second nature

Eventually, we come across a critical juncture in our lives where we must summon the bravery to confront our greatest fears. If we persevere, we emerge transformed and empowered. This breakthrough gives us access to a new way of existing, which becomes a natural part of our being. 

Following their last conversation, Shirley felt more comfortable sharing her concerns and previous thoughts about leaving the team with Steve. From then on, Steve consistently showed his appreciation for Shirley's contributions and acknowledged her hard work. He made a conscious effort to listen to her concerns and provide support whenever needed. As a result, Shirley gradually began to trust Steve again, as he showed genuine interest in her growth and development, ultimately leading to a stronger working relationship.

The culmination of the journey from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence is a return to our everyday lives with a deeper sense of purpose and a greater capacity to effect change. This journey benefits not just ourselves but our entire community. We can share our newfound knowledge and lead in new directions.

Whenever we embark on an adventure that requires us to enhance our skills, we should be prepared for substantial obstacles. However, we can also look forward to countless benefits and rewards that we will reap along the way. As we venture outside our comfort zones and explore new horizons, we can unlock a sense of self-awareness, purpose, and fulfillment that may have been previously unattainable.

Summary:

• No substantial change happens overnight.

• Expect ups, downs and plateaus.

• Stay the course, and you will break through.

Mind/Body Foundations Interview

Outline

Introduction 0:00

Life Coaching vs. Psychotherapy. 3:00

The body holds a plethora of wisdom. 4:35

The parable of the neighbor and the farmer. 10:24

Beginner’s Mind 11:48

How to deal with anxiety and stress. 15:00

The kids on the bus & their vulnerability. 19:51

The sacred wound 23:00

Sharing your heart makes you accessible to everyone. 26:05

Clouds and sky metaphor. 31:11

Listening to your inner self. 33:51

How to overcome fear? 37:23

Taking advantage of the gift of life. 44:36

What is the bigger picture here? 47:33

Facing Negativity

When we lose a job, get a bad review, experience burn out, or our heart is broken, we often can’t help but experience a sense of groundlessness and paralysis. We struggle with meaning and end up feeling stuck.  Who am I now?  How do I recover from the sense of frustration, overwhelm, or loss? 

What stops us is not the situations themselves.  It’s never fun to lose a job or have our hearts broken, but there’s no inherent meaning in these losses.  In other words, the circumstances of our lives don’t make us unhappy.  Rather, our experience of them depends entirely on the meaning we bring to them.  Some perspectives empower us when faced with even the most difficult of situations and some render us incapacitated.  How we hold the circumstances of our lives can either grow us or take us down.

Part 1: Uncover your interpretations of the situations you find ourselves in.

We have an automatic, unconscious propensity to add meaning to the experiences of our lives.  We have the tendency to fit each experience that shows up into an ongoing story we have about our lives and who we are.  In fact, rarely do we regard ourselves in relationship to the immediate circumstances we find ourselves in.  Instead of relating directly to our experiences, we often just relate to our beliefs, opinions, and judgments about the experiences.  And so when things fall apart, and we lose meaning in life, it can be incredibly helpful to reassess how we make meaning of our lives.

A 48-year old client, Mary, had been driven her whole life to make it big in the corporate world.  A year ago she arrived at my office and declared: “I am totally burnt out and am just going through the motions of my life.”  She didn’t sleep well; she’d gained ten pounds over the last few years; and her relationship with her girlfriend was suffering from her tendency to what she called “workaholic tendencies.”  She’d been to a psychologist already, and while that work had clued her into why she felt stuck, it still didn’t propel the change she desperately needed.

When I asked Mary why she didn’t leave or alter her situation in her job, she responded that to do so felt like torture.  Mary’s sense of purpose in life, up until that moment, revolved entirely around her work.  Her sense of self and the qualities of her relationships went down when her work went down.  Likewise, they went up when her work went well, not to mention the fact that she’d spent her whole life working her way to the top.  Now that she’d finally made it to the “big time,” she couldn’t help but look around and scratch her head, asking, “Is this as good as it gets.”  Her health and her personal relationships were suffering, and she found her colleagues, in fact, intolerable.

While Mary felt that to make a change would put her family in financial jeopardy, she knew, rationally speaking, that they’d do fine if she took a pay cut.  She, like most of my clients use the “financial card,” as an excuse not to make a change.  But when she looked closely, she was really afraid to upset her relationship with her girlfriend.

As a child, her alcoholic mother had been inconsistent, sometimes present and sometimes altogether absent. When we looked at her “life’s story” it was obvious that she’d done everything in her power to give herself the security and safety that her mother constantly took away from her.  She’d lived her life in service to accruing professional accolades so she wouldn’t feel the way she felt as a little girl, scared and destitute.

Part 2: Meet the feelings you’re avoiding.

To make profound, lasting change not only must we uncover the background stories that help us make meaning of our experiences, but we also must meet the nervous system’s response to the experiences.  Embedded within each of our narratives is a statement like, “I never want to feel "x" again.”  "X" might be loneliness, sadness, anger or fear. The narratives that live in the subtle background of our lives help us not only to succeed but also to avoid certain feelings.  If we’re ever going to really transform, we have to be willing to meet the feelings we’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.

In Mary’s case, her workaholism protected her from the fear of being destitute. As Mary examined her life’s narrative and discovered her propensity to be risk averse, she started to confront bodily feelings of terror: fluttering feelings in the chest, queasiness in the stomach, and a knot in the throat.

This part of the journey can be very uncomfortable and equally counterintuitive. Each of us spends a whole lifetime avoiding these feelings.  Turning around and looking at them can be like turning around and facing the demon we swore off almost a lifetime ago.  It takes incredible courage, even-mindedness, tenacity and compassion to ride the waves of emotional pain.  And to do so can feel like this:

Heavy-heartedness… irritation in the chest… boredom… really heavy heartedness… tightness in the ribs…. burning rage…heat in the face…tight throat… boredom… fatigue… numbness… impatience and boredom…. nothing… nothing…nothing…hurt

Often times my clients will ask, “Why would I want to be with this shit?”  Often my response is that to meet it is to transform it.  To avoid it is to let it rule you.”  If we don’t meet the body’s response, we miss a deep learning that our suffering has to show us.

Part 3: Reinterpret the experience in such a way that it leaves you empowered.

So as Mary met the fluttering, queasiness, and knots in one of our meetings, her “fear of change” lost its hold on her. At that point, she was no longer afraid to feel her terror.  She could see that she didn’t need to be a workaholic her whole life in order to avoid “ending up broke, homeless, and alone.”  Instead, she was at choice to create a new narrative, one that created possibility and that empowered her. 

When Mary tapped into the wiser and more intuitive parts of her being she could see that instead of her burn out being an obstacle, that it could be seen as an omen for change.  “I could work less, maybe even go to yoga class, and have time to eat a meal with Donna [her girlfriend].” Instead of creating less safety, this crossroads might give her an opportunity to explore a new way of being in the world, one in which work wasn’t the only focus, but, instead, included family and intimacy.

Part 4: Make the insight real through action that leads to specific and measurable outcomes.

All it takes is a moment to see our situations in a light that renders us free, powerful, or expressed.  But to make the changes necessary to fulfill this recognition a clear set of goals accompanied by practice. Once Mary committed to a change in her work, she started to look for new work opportunities, both within her corporation and outside. 

She made a point of meeting colleagues within her network.  It took time and a lot of what I call “t.s.o.-ing”—trying shit out--to stumble upon an opportunity that excited her and gave her the flexibility she needed.  She knew that she’d have to surrender some of the clout of her previous job, and so she also established some practices that made this transition easier on her nervous system.

Part 5: Practice mind-body techniques that support the nervous system and facilitate the change.

Each morning she did some movement, whether it was yoga or taking a walk with her girlfriend.  I also taught her a few simple meditations, which she could practice for 15 minutes.  Finally she wrote in her journal on an inquiry I’d assign her each week. An inquiry is an open-ended question that can be answered from many different sides that gives new insights each way we look at it. One inquiry that uncovered a landmine of insight for her was, “What must I drop in order to gain something new?”  This question helped her discover the confidence that she wasn’t just dropping off altogether but that her change would put her in touch with something new.

Slowly, over a six-month period, Mary discovered the right fit she’d been looking for in a new company. To an outsider, that move might have been seen as a demotion, but to her the move enhanced the quality of her life immensely.  She worked less; had more time to explore new ways of relating and playing with her girlfriend; and found time for herself.  Essentially, this move provided the breathing room Mary needed to replenish the well that had dried up inside of her.

Exercise

1. Very briefly, write an account of your life and conclude with the situation you currently find yourself in. Keep the writing to a minimum of one page.

2. Reread your brief account once.

3. Notice how your life’s story influences the current circumstances you’re in. Does it empower or disempower your circumstances?

4. Review your brief account, again, this time, reading your account out loud.

5. Notice how it makes you feel in your head, throat, heart, belly, and genitals once you’ve completed the account. Do you notice any emotion, sensation, or charge in these areas of the body?

6. If you notice that you do, read the account out loud, once again.

7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 until any feeling of constraint has altogether gone away.

8. Notice if there’s a new meaning you start to derive from the circumstances you find yourself in accompanied by new possibilities for yourself and your life.

9. Write them down on a piece of paper.

10. Hire a coach. A coach will hold you accountable to making the changes in life you sense you need to make. Don’t bother trying to do this part alone. Creating something new can be incredibly daunting. A good coach is really a skilled change agent. He or she will collaborate with you in designing practices that will make the process of change easier, fun, and intelligent, too.