Recreating Trust Part 3: Storing Our Resentments

During the honeymoon, everything is so wonderful because you are not dealing with a lot of disappointments. You can be open and intimate with a high degree of trust. So on the scale of openness, intimacy, and trusts, you could say that 100% is available to you. But every entry put in the file displaced the possibility of 100% openness, intimacy, and trust. Think of it like a glass of water that fills to the brim. The water represents openness, intimacy, and trust. If we start pouring sand into the glass, where the sand represents the undelivered communication, then it is evident that the water will soon start spilling out.

So one day you have 100% openness, intimacy, trust, and you feel wonderful about the other person. But before you know it, you are down to 90%. 90% isn't all that bad, but it does not feel quite as good as 100%. You are not quite as eager to be open with the other person, but it is not too bad.

However, the sand keeps going into the glass, the disappointments keep going into the file, and now you're down to 80% on the scale of openness, intimacy, and trust. You are starting to suffer a bit. It is getting harder and harder to be with the other person to talk openly and honestly. You start avoiding, maybe being a bit sarcastic, but you continue on.

You can see where this is going. Eventually you get to the point where you will not put up with it any further. This is when your mind starts playing very interesting games with us. As the file gets bigger and bigger you lose all sense of the responsibility, and you become convinced that the source of your increasing distrust really is the other person.

 

Recreating Trust Series

Learning how to create and recreate trust is the most critical step to being intimately connected with others.  This is one part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it. And, by the way, if you’ve been in a relationship romantically or non-romantically for longer than two months, then you're probably inadvertently experiencing breakdown.

part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it.

 

[jbox color="blue" vgradient="#fdfeff|#bae3ff" title="Complimentary Relationship Rescue Coaching Session"]If you are ready to make a shift in your relationships and want help developing a game plan, I offer a complimentary 60-minute Relationship Rescue coaching session. There's no obligation; I love doing these and hope you'll get in touch.

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Recreating Trust Part 2: The Letdown

Have you ever met anyone who fulfilled your expectations and lived up to your intentions all the time? While it would be wonderful if you could honestly say yes, the answer is likely no. So the only predictable result is that your expectations will be unfulfilled and your intentions will be thwarted. Wherever this occurs, you end up disappointed. Again, this is natural and to be expected. Since it is virtually impossible to stop having expectations.  Being disappointed is part of life. But here is where you get yourself into trouble. Rarely are you honest enough to communicate your disappointments to the other person. You have a number of valid reasons for this, and they all center around fear. You fear that communicating will threaten a relationship with that person.  Your past experiences in communicating disappointments are usually negative, so you certainly do not want to rock the boat. You assume your communication will trigger an upset. Perhaps the biggest reason you do not communicate is that you can almost expect them to launch into a defense and counterattack.  More often than not, it seems better to not say anything and stuff it.

Instead of communicating, you go into a metaphorical file room in your mind, find an empty file folder with the other person's name on the folder, and deposit the undelivered communication into the file. You then file it away for the time being. The next disappointment occurs, or the same one repeats itself, and you make another entry into the file... and then another, and another.

 

Recreating Trust Series

Learning how to create and recreate trust is the most critical step to being intimately connected with others.  This is one part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it. And, by the way, if you’ve been in a relationship romantically or non-romantically for longer than two months, then you're probably inadvertently experiencing breakdown.

[jbox color="blue" vgradient="#fdfeff|#bae3ff" title="Complimentary Relationship Rescue Coaching Session"]If you are ready to make a shift in your relationships and want help developing a game plan, I offer a complimentary 60-minute Relationship Rescue coaching session. There's no obligation; I love doing these and hope you'll get in touch.

[jbutton icon="love" size="medium" color="blue" link="/relationship-rescue/"]Get a free Relationship Rescue session![/jbutton]

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Recreating Trust Part 1: The Honeymoon

 

 

 

 

 

Trust is one of the most critical components to experiencing deep, profound and lasting connections with others. The word trust comes from the Old German word, troost, which means comfort or consolation.  When you have trust, you sense that you can lean into another person with 100% confidence; you can be at ease; you can completely be who we essentially are.

Without a Shadow of Doubt

And when you sense trust in another human being, you can’t help but give them permission to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth; to call out your self-sabotaging voices and behaviors; to let you know when you are lying, manipulating, cheating, and justifying your actions; and to ensure that you shine as brightly in your life as you possibly can.  All because you know without a shadow of doubt that they have your best interest at heart.  

'Without a shadow of doubt' is critical.  If there is even a hint of doubt, a hint of distrust, that distrust is like a slow-growing cancer that if not honestly acknowledge will eventually destroy the relationship

For example, if I can trust my wife 100% and know that she has my best interest at heart, I am going to be more willing to take risks and to be honest about my shortcomings.  If I experience a shadow of doubt in a certain part of our relationship, I am going to sugar-coat certain things I share with her.

Most of us don’t live in a world of intimacy and trust.  We don’t use that as the glue within our relationships.  Learning how to create and recreate trust is the most critical step to being connected with others.  What follows below is a description and path to recreating trust when it has broken down in a relationship.  And, by the way, if you’ve been in a relationship romantically or non-romantically for longer than two months, then you’ve inadvertently experienced breakdown.

The Honeymoon

All relationships start the same way. You meet someone and they meet you. Oftentimes, not always, people experience an initial honeymoon stage. Everyone seems to be happy, and it looks like things will work. But what do we know about all honeymoons? They are usually all too brief and eventually end.

This is predictable and inevitable, because human beings have expectations. We produce expectations so fast that if you could actually see it happening, it would make your head spin. We have expectations about what the person will be like, how the person will react, what kind of a father they will be, what kind of a wife she will be, what life would be like with that person, and on and on. And, especially in relationships that are romantic, human beings have intentions. We intend something to happen, either we will be with this person for the rest of our lives or we won't. More often than not, we never state the true expectations and intentions, and we generate new ones on a daily basis. The fact that this happens is not bad or wrong; it just happens. And it is entirely human.

 

Recreating Trust Series

This is one part in a six-part series that explores how trust and intimacy breaks down in relationships and how to recreate it.

[jbox color="blue" vgradient="#fdfeff|#bae3ff" title="Complimentary Relationship Rescue Coaching Session"]If you are ready to make a shift in your relationships and want help developing a game plan, I offer a complimentary 60-minute Relationship Rescue coaching session. There's no obligation; I love doing these and hope you'll get in touch.

[jbutton icon="love" size="medium" color="blue" link="/relationship-rescue/"]Get a free Relationship Rescue session![/jbutton]

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Practicing All Eight Limbs...At the Same Time

Ashtanga Yoga is not an Indian form of calisthenics or gymnastics.  It is an eight-limbed path. The word Ashtanga comes from a text dating somewhere between the 4th and 1st centuries, B.C.E., called The Yoga Sutras.  The Sutras--as they are affectionately known by yogis-- are arguably the most important 'how-to' compilation of terse statements about yoga for yogis.  The word Ashtanga  means eight limbs (ashto- eight; anga- limb).  Ashtanga yogis don't just practice the second two limbs of this eight limbed path, asana and pranayama. They practice all of them...at the same time.  They practice the first two limbs, yamas and niyamas, which are basically 'do's and don'ts.'  They're the yogis version of the Ten Commandments.  The fifth limb, pratyahara, is translated as 'the withdrawal of the senses.'  The last three limbs, dharana, dhyana, and samadhi, are gradations of the various levels of absorption or concentration that can occur when we practice. The tradition my co-teacher, Devorah Sacks, and I come from has a unique spin on this eight-limbed path.  As students of the renowned yoga master from Mysore, India, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, we’ve been taught that all we need to do is to work on asana and pranayama, and the rest of the limbs naturally and spontaneously will follow.  But that's not to say we are to ignore the other six-limbs.  Rather, the other limbs are to be considered benchmarks that give us direct feedback on the quality of intention we bring to our practice.

Getting Fit and Chilling Out

As a long-term teacher of Ashtanga Yoga, I’ve come to recognize that most people don’t come to practice in order to have a deeper connection with the yamas and niyamas. They come either to get fit or to ‘chill out.’ This is usually the first aspiration that shows up on the mat. If the new student is persistent and continues to practice through the initial phase of soreness, stiffness, and the difficulty of waking up in the early morning to get on her mat, she will more often than not begin to wonder about the philosophical aspects of the practice.

I cannot say for certain what it is about practicing breath and posture that elicits this curiosity, but I do know for certain that at least 80% of the students I have taught make it past the initial stage of just wanting to get strong and flexible. That initial aspiration doesn't go away altogether. It just becomes obvious that the goal of yoga is much wider and broader than originally perceived.

How the Eight Limbs Work Together

Within the yoga that Jois taught, the eight limbs do not follow a linear sequence. In other words, we’re not taught to master the first limb before moving on to the next limbs. [ref] I don’t doubt, however, that historically, there were schools of yoga in which that was how the practice was taught.  Neophytes probably needed to prove themselves before the deeper, more introspective practices were taught.[/ref] In this tradition, the first two limbs, yamas and niyamas spontaneously arise out of the steady and continuous practice of asana and pranayama. Jois used to say that when the body and mind were cleansed of impurities, that following these rules was easy, natural, and obvious. And when the mind and body were gummed up with negativity and illness, to follow yamas and niyamas put the yogi at odds with herself and only created more tension.

And according to Jois, the last four limbs—which are, essentially, deeper levels of introspection, attention, and meditation—cannot be practiced. They arise spontaneously from the steady practice of the first four limbs. In other words, meditation cannot be practiced, according to this tradition. It just naturally grows from the continuous practice of breath work, posture, and the observance of certain morals and mores.

Focus on Asana and Pranayama And All Is Coming

Here’s the bottom line: essentially, Jois is saying is that all we need to do is to just practice asana and pranayama and the rest of the limbs follow spontaneously and naturally.  By the way, his teacher, Sri Tirumalai Krishnamacharya, who is really the grandfather of modern yoga, said the same thing. So this isn’t idiosyncratic to Jois’ tradition. This is what all Krishnamacharya’s well-known students, including B.K.S. Iyengar, T.K.V. Desikachar, Indra Devi, A.G. Mohan, and Srivatsa Ramaswami, basically teach and taught.

Meditation Happens

If you look at this closely, it’s a pretty far-out idea.  The tradition is saying that you cannot do meditation. Meditation cannot be done. Meditation just comes. It’s like that William Blake quote, “If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is – infinite.”  So, as yogis, it is our job to cleanse the doors of perception through the continuous, steady practice of asana and pranayama. In fact, that is all we really have the power to do anything about. And so at the heart of the practice of yoga, we’re just cleansing and clearing away what’s in the way. Once cleared, the goal of yoga naturally and spontaneously occurs.

What's the Point of the Other Six Limbs?

So why even mention the eight limbs if all we can really do are asana and pranayama? The limbs are signposts along the journey. They’re there to let you know about the quality of your aspiration and intention in your asana and pranayama practices. In other words, if you take away the other six limbs, and all you had were the asana and pranayama, it wouldn’t be altogether clear where the journey of yoga were taking us. But given the fact that introspection, attention, and meditation “should” naturally arise along the path of yoga, if they’re not, it’s a good indicator that there is something askew with the way we’re approaching our practices. Likewise, if the yamas and niyamas become more obscure to us and more difficult to practice along the path, then that, too, is an indicator that our practice is not, in fact, supporting our transformation.

Behind the Scenes at My Yoga Journal Photo Shoot

This summer, I was asked to model some basic asanas for the November 2011 Yoga Journal magazine: As someone who has been practicing Ashtanga for 20 years, I expected the shoot to be an interesting experience, but fairly easy. These are fundamental poses that I've done thousands of times. The two-day photo shoot in a San Francisco Mission District studio turned out to be even more interesting than I anticipated.

I worked under the direction of the Yoga Journal Editor Jennifer Rodrigue, who comes from a very strong Iyengar tradition. (That's her voice on the video above.) Both B.K.S. Iyengar and the founder of Ashtanga yoga, Pattabhi Jois, studied under the same teacher—Sri Krishnamacharya. You would expect the systems to be quite similar, but while they share many of the same asanas, the approaches are totally different. Ashtanga is about movement and breath, Iyengar is about alignment and anatomical precision. Jennifer instructs with a keen eye for details that we don't address in Ashtanga.  She kept directing my attention to the fact that I was pointing my floating ribs out. Each time she'd ask me to draw them in, I'd find myself unconsciously poking them out again. When I would draw them in, I noticed all sorts of things happening in my body that I'd never noticed before, including feelings of lightness, clarity, and a sense of calm.

So, the experience was challenging—a bit of a surprise. And while I'll always be a die-hard Ashtangi (the sequence of asanas and vinyasas helps me tap into a deeper consciousness like no other practice), this brush with Iyengar gave me some interesting perspectives.

I also gained a whole new appreciation for the level of expertise, detail, breadth and depth that goes into the making of Yoga Journal. It was a total thrill to be a member of a high caliber team of artists and experts who are really great at what they do: Jennifer Rodrigue (editor and yoga spotter), Lyn Heineken (stylist), Tamara Brown (hair and makeup artist), Charli Ornett (creative director), and Katrine Naleid (photographer).

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 9: Integration

Once the pain of the emotion has passed, once we have completely and compassionately descended down to the bottom of the rock, we experience a sense of relief. We begin to widen, deepen, and expand to include the wound. It isn’t that the wound has disappeared. The point is not to disappear the wound, and it isn’t a one-time-fix. This is a lifelong journey of compassionately holding the wound so that wisdom, love, generosity, and goodness can emerge. The point is to transform it, to make good on it. This descent into the direct experience of it actually does that.Instead of holding the wound as something that needs to be masked, the compassionate, body-centered, present-moment descent allows us to begin including the wound into our being. Once the wound is included, we have a lot more space to become more of something.That ‘more’ can only be expressed by the wound. I often notice with my clients that if they’ve been regarding themselves as unintelligent, the pull of the self-sabotaging voices not only becomes less strong, but my clients begin to have compassion for the parts of themselves that they’ve previously disowned.  In a way that 'more' is your genius.

Your Genius

Genius has two etymological understandings.  In one sense, your genius is considered to be your “guardian deity or spirit that watches over you from birth,” as in genie.  It’s also you power to produce, since gen- means to “produce.”  Your genius is the energy that resides behind your generative capacity.  I am not asking you to consider your genius literally as a “deity within.”  Instead, I am asking you to consider your genius “as if” it is a deity within.  This isn’t about creating a new belief system complete with gods and goddesses.  What I am referring to is not that, but it’s about finding access to these latent energies within your being and learning to relate to them, as if they are a god so that you can start to activate your capacity to produce or create something new.

Sacred wound work is about learning to suffer with (com- with passion- suffer) our pain with a quality of patience and unconditional friendliness.  As a result, something new emerges, something that is expansive, innocent, generative, forgiving, and playful.  Our wound is calling us into a deeper alignment with our bodies, our hearts, and our minds.

Exercise in Learning to Stay

For the next hour, you will silently contemplate/meditate on one or two things you’ve been unwilling to be with.  I encourage you not to distract yourself.  If you notice that your mind is wandering in a million other directions, just bring it back to the task at hand, meeting the wound of what you haven’t-- up until now—been willing to be with.  Please do not write in your notebook, speak to anyone, or do anything other than be with your wound.  You can take a meditative posture, you can lie down—as long as you don’t fall asleep—you can take a walk outside or just sit on a park bench.The point is to reestablish a relationship with the genie within, that generative power within, to begin listening to it in a new way.

 

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

The So-Called Tradition of Ashtanga

I have noticed that as the Mysore-style Ashtanga method becomes more popular over the years, the individual connection between teacher and student is disintegrating. The practice, which was originally designed to be individualized, has become increasingly supplanted by a one-size-fits-all approach. This is a natural outgrowth as more and more people both learn and are touched by the method. The unfortunate thing is that it misses the point of the Mysore-style methodology, which by its nature honors each student’s constitution, body, emotions, personal development, culture, etc. The problem is that as yoga becomes increasingly popular, the practice is morphing into something that alienates the practitioner from his or her own wisdom. In the Ashtanga world this change is being called “traditional” ; however, I want to posit the notion that there is nothing traditional about it; in fact, it is an unfortunate and new result of the popularity of yoga. And if we continue to alienate our student’s innate wisdom from the practice, Mysore-style yoga will become a practice for only the select few.

Unlike led classes, the Mysore-style allows for a relationship to arise between the student and the teacher in such a way that the practice can be made to fit the student, as opposed to the other way around. In led classes, generally speaking, it is difficult for the teacher to work much on an individual basis with the student because he or she has to ensure the flow of the class as a whole. Mysore-style, however, is the equivalent of a private master class with the support of group energy. In other words, a student has the opportunity to be inspired both by the intensity of the class and the direction and support of the teacher. When a student finds his or her yoga home, indeed, it is like coming home. Both the relationship with the teacher and the class as a whole cradles and supports them in achieving yoga, however the student chooses to define that word.

Breakthroughs

Over the years, I have noticed within the Ashtanga world that yoga has increasingly become defined as the mastery of asanas as opposed to the achievement of yoga. The goal of yoga has become the need to bind the hands in marichyasana d in order to progress through primary series or stand up from a back bend in order to move to intermediate series. Frankly speaking, milestones like this are not helpful. Many, many individuals will never be able to bind in marichyasana d because constitutionally they just cannot. What often happens is that people will compromise their knees in order to get into the posture. So marichyasana d becomes the source of a medial meniscus tear. Likewise in an effort to stand up from back bends, students often injure their backs. The result of trying to master asanas is often a long-standing injury from repetitive strain. As Pattabhi Jois used to say, “Health will result from good yoga, ill-health will result from bad yoga.” Clearly, this is bad yoga.

The myth generated amongst practitioners of this method that if we push through pain, we are likely to have a breakthrough known amongst so-called ‘aficionados’of this method as an “opening.” When someone says “opening” they mean the ability to complete a posture that they could not previously complete because something opened up or let go. Most so-called ‘openings’ that I have seen over the years are repetitive strain injuries caused by a blatant disregard for the body’s signals that what they’re doing is painful. I have to admit that I stand in contrast to most so-called ‘traditional’ practitioners when I admit that, generally speaking, I don’t believe in openings. I have wanted to over the years. There have been many, many times when I have told myself and my students that the pain they’re experiencing is just an opening, but I have seen enough ‘openings’ to know that the idea is wishful thinking.

The first time I visited Mysore, in 1993, I saw a friend from New Zealand get injured in janu sirsasana c. His visit to Mysore was shortened from a three-month stay to one-month because his lateral collateral ligament had been totally ruptured. What struck me about that particular incident was that my friend had been complaining of pain in his knee. Various prominent practitioners and member of the community had advised him to keep pushing forward, that he would eventually have a breakthrough. Essentially, he was discouraged from recognizing his own pain receptors telling him that his knee was in danger.

Ashtanga is a rigorous practice and injuries do take place sometimes that are deleterious, but to overlay the problem with a false statement, like “oh, it’s just an opening” is like putting ice cream on top of crap and saying that the whole thing is ice cream, so eat it up. That’s the problem when we disregard our own common sense in place of tradition. I am not saying that it isn’t useful to look at the experience of pain and injury as an opportunity to grow or develop in a inner way. Our injuries can be some of our best teachers. What I am saying is that pain is usually an indicator that there is something wrong. It is the body’s intelligence speaking. In all the years I have been practicing and teaching, I have rarely seen the notion of breakthroughs pan out

Tradition

We all want certainty. We somehow think that if we align ourselves with a lineage that is thousands of years old, that its wisdom will keep us warm on a cold night. After all, if we look at our modern lives in reference to more traditional cultures, we can see that in many ways we are lonelier, more isolated, and have a greater propensity toward feelings of meaninglessness . I think it's natural to want to align oneself with the  old and great traditions in order to feel a part of something greater.

Unfortunately, more often than not, we see individuals clinging to traditions that are foreign or “other” who may in some sense find a connection but often are, likewise, cut-off from themselves. One of our students told me that when she discovered yoga and its teachings, that she was so enamored by the truth of the words that she heard and the practice, that she decided to park her old, lonely self at the door in order to embrace the teachings fully. Through our discussions together, she discovered that what she had done is cut herself off from sides of herself, wisdom and intelligence that had been cultivated for years before her introduction to the practice. And by parking her lonely self at the door, she cut off from those sides of herself that needed tending to. Since making that decision, she felt very satisfied when reading about, discussing, or practicing yoga, but her parked problems kept nagging her. Eventually through probing, she came to discover that the true test of the practice was to use them on those parts of herself that felt lonely and isolated as a way to discover the their actual power.

When I started yoga, I remember there being a sort of strict division between Ashtanga and Iyengar practitioners. Somehow for the Iyengar yogis, we had it all wrong. We lacked alignment and precision, and every one of us was prone to injury. And we thought they had it all wrong. Their practice was totally boring, static, and mental. As Ashtanga has become increasingly popular in the last few years, I have seen this division between practitioners within the method itself that is similar, either you’re traditional or you aren’t. This idea of being ‘traditional’ is a new creation. It simply didn’t exist until recently. Not that the method wasn’t exact. Indeed, it was, but because the room in Mysore was so small, each individual was tended to in a unique way. Many of Guruji’s old students, including myself, will tell you that he would tell one person one thing about a particular asana or about the method as a whole and then absolutely contradict himself with someone else.

This idea that somehow the method is monolithic, ancient, perfect, and precise is something we wish were true but isn’t. Pattabhi Jois said that he received the teachings exactly as he taught them from his teacher, Sri Tirumalai Krishnamacharya, who learned the method from his teacher, Rama Mohan Brahmachari, and so on. The idea is that at no time was the system tainted, but, instead, it was passed down from generation to generation for thousands of years in pristine form. The system is linked to a source text no longer in existence called the Yoga Korunta, which was supposedly written by a sage named Vamana Rishi and was imparted from Rama Mohan Brahmachari to Krishnamacharya. At some point the text was written on palm leaves, which were in the safe keeping of Pattabhi Jois, as the legend goes, but somehow insects destroyed the text. All of this description creates the myth that somehow the practice has some profound history and its transmission has been untainted from time immemorial.

But in purusing the notion of tradition a bit further, I came across The Yoga Tradition of the Mysore Palace by N.E. Sjoman. Sjoman makes the following compelling argument: the yoga system taught by Krishnamacharya comes from a merging of gymnastics with yoga. The author drew his conclusions by mining the royal library in Mysore, where Krishnamacharya taught during the time he taught Pattabhi Jois. Krishnamacharya was appointed to the Mysore Palace in the early 1930s to teach yoga to the Arasu boys, the maternal relatives of the royal family. Through the patronage of Nalvadi Krishanarja Woodeyar, he opened a yoga shala or yoga school which continued until 1950. The author makes a very compelling argument that Krishnamacharya not only developed the Ashtanga system as taught by Pattabhi Jois during his tenure in Mysore, but that he drew on elements of gymnastics and Indian wrestling.

So, not only is it a misnomer that somehow the system has been perfectly sustained for thousands of years, it is easily argued that the system was created in the 1930s to some degree or another and has sources outside of the yoga tradition. And in the bit of history we have of Ashtanga from the vantage point of long-time Western practitioners, one can see that the system has been changed to one degree or another since 1973. Postures have been added and subtracted. The length or duration of holding postures has been changed. Even sequences have been changed. Third series today is only a fraction of the old Advanced A series and its sequencing has changed somewhat. Students who completed first were moved on to second without the barrier of getting up from backbends. Pranayama was taught after completing primary series initially. Then eventually, it was taught after completing intermediate series. Now, supposedly, it is taught after completing Third series. To say that the practice has sanctity through historicity just is not true. It is a living, changing phenomena.

The New Tradition

And as the method is being passed to the next generation of practitioners, it continues to mold and change. So to say that there is a ‘traditional’ way to practice doesn’t actually mean that there is this vast history that supports it. Instead, what traditional means is what is currently being taught in Mysore at the given moment. Pattabhi Jois’ family, essentially determines the ‘traditional’ nature of things. And as the torch has been passed on to Jois’ grandson, Sharath, he currently determines what, in fact, is traditional.

The notion of standing up from backbends in order to progress to intermediate series was created by Sharath. This is just one so-called ‘tradition’ that has recently been added to the practice in order to manage the influx of students coming to Mysore. So many people show up in Mysore today that it is increasingly impossible for the teacher to give much individual instruction. In order to counter this, every Friday and Sunday, led classes are given. Led classes, generally did not exist before Pattabhi Jois moved from his yoga shala in Lakshmipuram to his shala in Gokulam. In addition, more focus is being played on backbends than ever before. Essentially the tradition is going through another metamorphosis and is being influenced by the influx of people attracted to the power of yoga.

That being said, tradition is based upon agreement. When that agreement lacks discrimination the risk of damage can be great. I write this because the practice and community have meant so much to me. I hate to see Ashtanga Yoga go in this direction. What lead me to the practice, in the first place, was the fact that individuality was honored. Each of us who maintains the practice has a stake in maintaining its authenticity and longevity. My personal stake is that as Ashtanga continues to develop that it continues to honor the individual rather continuing to evolve  into a one-size-fits-all method in the name of tradition.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 8: Cultivating Compassion

The real gift we have to offer to others is our compassion. Likewise, the real gift we have to offer ourselves is compassion. The place we often go to when we feel the pain of our wound is "beat-up." We often let our self-sabotaging voices run the show. We think, I feel this pain and then decide, "Indeed, I am stupid, ugly, or worthless." The etymology of the word compassion is 'com-' with or together 'passion-' to suffer. So when we feel compassion, we suffer together.We’re all taught that we should feel compassion for others. And if we had any religious training, we’re taught to feel compassion for others’ suffering. For many of us, feeling compassion for others’ pain is relatively easy. The compassion, we’re talking about here, though, is not compassion for another’s suffering. We’re talking about compassion for our own suffering. The way we do this is by offering ourselves compassion, warmth, goodwill, and kindness.

When we begin to have compassion for our own suffering, we short-circuit the self-sabotaging voices. How could we possibly agree with them when we offer ourselves a kind of warmth or a quality of kindness. That’s what compassion for self is. It’s a positive regard for self. When we offer ourselves compassion, on some level we are saying, “Yes, I have pain, but that pain isn’t me. It’s simply the pain that gets to be transformed into genius." And what's required is simply meeting it.

Making Friends with the Wound

Compassion for ourselves is really a sort of unconditional friendship with ourselves.  It is much more common that we disapprove of our wound and denigrate it.  It is about beginning to make friends with the wound.  It’s not about thinking that it will come from the outside, from other people, from spiritual practice, from meditation, jogging.  We look all over the place to make us feel good about ourselves.  Affirmations are all about that.  You proclaim, “I am smart.”  “I am worthy of being loved.”  And part of you says, “Yeah, sure.” How is this relationship created?  It has a lot to do with the way we meet our pain and difficulty.  The Buddha had a revolutionary teaching.  He said that in human life, there is pain and that pain is inevitable.  We all grow old, get ill, and die.  The more that you love, and loving brings wellbeing, then the more sadness and grief there is at the loss of that person.  If you put your hand in fire, it burns.  There is a lot of discomfort in life.  The fundamental teaching is not to struggle against the pain in life but, instead, to become intimate with comfort and discomfort, with pleasure and pain, with shame and success.  Happiness is beginning to live your life in a way that opens up: your mind and heart opens.  It includes victory and defeat, praise and blame, loss and gain.  Happiness is about being able to embrace it all.  That is the root of it all.  Struggling against the wound and getting it to come out “perfect” doesn’t add up to a sort of compassion for ourselves.

The point is to discover your own human-ness.  This is your connection with all people.  This is the shared-ness of the human condition.  It is about becoming intimate with that awful feeling of losing something that is dear to you, that part of you that wants to shut down.  It is to be intimate with what it feels like to be intimate with the whole catastrophe.  Our

Exercise

In the exercises that follow, we will learn how to regard our wound with compassion.  The word compassion is regarded in two senses in the Western and Eastern perspectives.  In the Western perspective compassion means to suffer with. In the Eastern sense, compassion is translated as loving-kindness.  These two are very different, but both offer instructive ways to hold or regard our wound.

In the first Western sense, to be compassionate is to feel the wound.  It is essentially what we did earlier today when we met the wound directly, unadulterated by storyline.  We just felt it.  We just noticed it.  Nothing was added.  We experienced a direct relating and relationship with the wound. The Eastern sense of the word compassion guides us into the notion of bringing a quality of kindness that is wide open, gentle, warm, and healing to our wound.

For many of us, feeling compassion for others’ pain is relatively easy.  But what is it to bring loving kindness to ourselves, to our own wound?  That’s what this next activity is all about.

Exercise

Click on this recording to learn how to bring some healing to your wound:

[gravityform id=5 name=Healingthe Sacred Wound title=false description=false]

Click on this recording to learn to how to bring loving kindness or unconditional friendliness to your wound.

[gravityform id=10 name=LovingKindness Meditation title=false description=false]

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 7: Practicing Presence

However unnerving the experience, we need to bring a moment-to-moment awareness to the wound. It’s important that we not get lured too much into the past or future storylines until we have completed the descent. A bit of past or future thinking can heighten and deepen the feelings so that the descent can take place; however, the descent into the wound is not a story-based experience. The story can help deliver us into the energy of the wound, but it won’t, in fact, heal the wound.  Mostly, our stories just numb us from the wound. So, it’s important that we not go to our heads in this process. This is a kinesthetic, feeling experience that requires a presence, an awareness of the here and now. Being here and now is really a practice in learning to stay.  Because this is a lifelong process, you want to bring a quality of kindness and compassion to the process, kind of like training a puppy.  If you’ve ever trained one, you'll know that beating them can make them obedient yet inflexible.  They can become easily confused if everything doesn’t go a certain way.  But if you train the puppy with kindness and clarity, it can be flexible and have a sense of humor.  It can role with changes.  Which kind of puppy do you want to be?

When the mind goes off, don’t hit yourself.  Just come back.  It’s like being very naïve.  There is no big deal about it.  Whatever arises, just acknowledge that its there, and just come back to the wound, here in the present moment.  With that simplicity you just keep coming back.  You are just training in staying with yourself.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 6: Descending into the Wound

The transformational shift that can occur around the sacred wound feels a whole lot like a descent. It has a downward quality to it. It often feels heavier, stickier, thicker, and more difficult before it ever starts to feel better. In 12-step programs, they often say that one has to hit 'rock-bottom' before any real change can take place. When we acknowledge the emotion around the wound in a deliberate, conscious way, we take ourselves to a 'rock-bottom' place. We expect and seek to create a sort of descent. At the bottom of the descent is both an acknowledgement and acceptance of the wound. People often report a sigh of relief. What they recognize is that those aspects of the wound that they’ve disowned becomes included into who they are. There is a very clear sense of widening, deepening, and expanding at the moment in which the descent has completed itself.

For many of us, this descent is unnerving. It has us feeling like we are going to head into a depression or it will just reawaken a wounding and there won’t be a resolution of it. For some of us, we’ve already done some sort of descent but didn’t complete the process, and, as a result, the descent only left us feeling more wounded. What’s important about this is that once the ride begins that we not get off of it until the ride is completely over. And as described above, the over process does feel like expansion or completion. When it happens, it’s clear as day. Before the emotion has completed, it feels half-baked.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 10: The Genius

The Genius

And so what emerges from the initial aversion, resistance, and pain of the wound is something generative creative, playful, and sometimes even luminous or numinous. Marianne Williamson writes in her book A Return to Love  that "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

If we patiently and persistently relate to the wound in a compassionate and mindful way, what naturally emerges is our light. I often wonder why we have been told to hide our wounds and to pretend that they don't exist. And since I am in the self-help world, we're also taught that you can overcome them, master them, or fix them.

The sacred wound doesn't need to be fixed. It is perfect the way it is. What's required is a big dose of patience, some kindness, and awareness. What emerges over years--not days--is our light. And it is the transformation of darkness into light that Williamson is referring to. That's why society keeps teaching us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, to stop focusing on the negative. However, when we give room to be with our wound, what naturally arises is our powerful, innate genius.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 5: Handling Numbness

Oftentimes the starting point is just numbness, like there is nothing there to access. We can’t feel ANY emotion. We just sense a wall or a barrier. Instead of regarding numbness as bad or something to breakthrough or overcome, if we can regard the numbness as "good news," and be with it, it can start to unravel. Usually, the numbness is there as a defense, something that we unconsciously put in place in order to defend or protect ourselves. What we are defending is the sense of vulnerability we feel when we come into direct contact with the wound. In the past, having access to the wound only left us feeling defenseless and, ultimately, hopeless. So the numbness, the ‘no-feeling’ is just protection that was previously useful. If we apply aggression or hatred to the numbness, we may have an initial breakthrough, but ultimately, we create a sort of aversion to it, which prolongs it. One way we could apply aggression to the numbness is to yell, scream, beat a pillow, do whatever we do to get the latent energy to start moving. Most research shows that these cathartic acts only prolong the emotion. They give an initial relief, but the emotion doesn’t actually transform.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 4: Go to the Body

In order to identify the sacred wound, it helps to feel into the body for an emotional reaction. People often report a tightness in the chest, a nausea, a blockage in the throat. Our habitual reaction is to ignore the sensation, but if we will identify it, not in the intellectual sense but in the kinesthetic--by feeling into our bodies--we can start to distinguish ourselves from the wound. Mostly, we’re used to brushing over this pain when a pattern gets set off. We usually are so unconscious of this process, that we lose touch with the direct experience. So part of feeling into the body requires a slowing down. By slowing down, the emotion can begin to emerge.

Emotion = Energy In Motion

Emotion here is defined as ‘energy in motion.’ Allowing the energy of the wound to emerge allows the energy to move through us, rather than get stuck. When we allow some of the pent up stuck energy of anger, frustration, or anxiety to move, not only do we feel and experience less aversion to the wound, but we can start to have a dialogue and be in relationship to it. So it is at this junction in the process of being in the body that we connect to the energy or emotion that lies on the surface. To find the energy go to:

  • Where the emotion is located in the body.  Often times the emotion or the energy seems to come from a broad, general area, but if we place our awareness on the area, we can start to notice that the area is diffusely spread over a broad area and dense in a very narrow area.    In other words, it may be located in the throat area and upper chest, but if we really pay attention, we will find that the densest area is the chest and there is a sort of bleed-over into the throat.
  • What it feels like.  Here it can help immensely to use metaphors.  For example, it may feel like a wall.  It can help to put some imaginary hands up to the wall to feel the temperature, shape, and texture of the wall.
  • How it changes over time.  If we begin to pay attention to the energy, we will notice that it changes.  After all, emotion is energy in motion.  We may notice that the change occurs rapidly and dramatically or we may notice that it occurs slowly.  It can sometimes take days for the energy to shift.  Grief is often like this.  And we may also notice that the energy or emotion goes away altogether.

Just Notice

What’s required is just steady, clean awareness, as opposed to thinking aboutwhat's coming up. Another way of saying this is to ‘just notice.’ Being with an experience slows things down and gives direct access. Thinking or talking about experience has us hovering above an experience. It keeps the experience in our heads, and it keeps us in avoidance of the wound altogether.

I have clients who get anxious any time they notice their wounds. They start a plan of attack long before they've ever experienced them. Intellectualization, strategizing, or trying to understand is just another form of avoidance and actually prevents the transformation of the wounding. Our capacity to be with the wound, to give it space, and even to embrace it is what creates transformation.

Body-Centered Meditation

This is a meditation that will give you a direct, body-centered access to sensing your wound such that you can begin to transform into you genius

[gravityform id=7 name=Sensingthe Wound title=false description=false].

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 3: Stop Scratching

Few of us relate to our wound like it’s a form of genius in any sense of the word. We relate to it like we have to get rid of it. I have a friend whose father left her mother, and sisters when she was five years old. She has incredible wounding around this event. The wound continually makes her feel invaluable. In order to be valued by the men in her life, she’s become both incredibly smart and incredibly empathic. Now that’s the genius that lives in her. She has an incredible gift with people.

But up until recently, she’s been relating to the wounding of feeling unworthy due to her father’s abandonment as something she loathes. It’s an ache in her being that she’s been looking to get rid of. One way she tried to eliminate the wound is by seeking out men to tell her that she’s smart, beautiful, and needed. And each time a man complimented her, she wondered, “If they knew how screwed up I really am, would they say those nice things?” In each man, she was looking and hoping for a reflection that will heal the wound of abandonment. Recently, she's begun to recognize that no man or men will ever completely heal that wound. The real healing of that wound is an inside job.

Stop Scratching Even Though It Itches

Her whole orientation has been outer-focused. And because her orientation is outward in that she seeks men to fill the void, she keeps getting re-wounded. Each time she is brought face-to-face with the realization that a man won’t heal her, she is horribly disappointed not only with the man, but, especially with herself. So on top of being angry with the man, she’s angrier with herself for getting herself into more drama. And then it becomes a never-ending cycle of wounding, hurt, more wounding, and then more drama. This is what makes it addictive behavior.

At the base of all addictions is what Pema Chodron, a renowned Buddhist teacher, calls an itch that we long to scratch. Chodron likens our wounds to scabies. When you have scabies, and you see your doctor, the prescription is not to scratch it even though it itches, that as you continue to scratch, not only does it fester, but it spreads, too. As my friend continues to seek validation from a man, her rash keeps spreading. Like all itchiness, we sometimes don’t even notice that it’s itchy until we’ve scratched at it for quite some time. So in order to emerge from the wound or the rash, we first need to notice that we are scratching and to stop scratching. It is the scratching that is the habit pattern. And the more we scratch the more the wound grows. And what’s required is an inward gazing, a capacity for introspection.

We scratch the wound when we buy the storyline of our pain rather than meeting the energy of it.  Behind the story is just a mood, tone or energy.  Where we usually go is to the storyline instead of the energy behind the storyline.  And so we tend to create drama out in the world in order to resolve the storyline.  However, resolving the storyline doesn’t actually resolve or relieve the sense of wounding.

Inquiry

Spend 10 minutes with a pen and paper, noting all the places you've created drama in your life as a result of your wound.  Look to:

  • relationships that you avoid or cling to
  • people and situations you won't be with
  • missed opportunities
  • addictions or habits that effect your health and sense of wellbeing
  • ways that you avoid change
  • belief systems that keep you stuck
  • crises you constantly create
  • relationships that take from you rather than nurture you
  • avoidance of intimate, loving connections

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Transforming the Sacred Wound Part 2: Identifying the Wound

In my previous blog post, I began a discussion about the sacred wound. The essence of the message was that when we regard the wounding we experience in our lives as good news rather than something that we need to hide from, destroy, or numb, then we have an opportunity to transform pain into genius. It's actually our wounding and our pain that causes us to grow and transform.  The people, situations, and things we come into contact with in the process of healing our wounds help us to discover our innate gifts. These gifts are our contribution to others.

The Promises of Sacred Wound Work

The point of this work is to establish a relating and relationship with the wound.  The point is NOT to get rid of the wound.  You may never feel wound-free.  That's not the point.  The point is to begin relating to it.  Instead of trying to sweep it under the rug by pretending it doesn’t exist or by trying to “overcome” or “master” your pain, this work will teach you how to establish a loving and compassionate relationship with your wound.  When you can find love and compassion for your wound, you can actually begin to transform it and in so doing, discover your genius.

Identifying the Wound

So for starters, it is important to be able to identify the wound or wounds. Below a recording that will help you uncover aspects of your wound or wounds. In order to really identify the wound, though, it can help to just look at the breakdown or discomfort that comes up in relationship to an individuals, groups or situations.  These breakdowns can be used as entryways back to the wound.  Each time you notice yourself angry, scared, hurt, sad, or shut down, follow the path of the pain back to your own experience.  For the sake of sacred wound work, each and every experience can be used an access to a deeper relationship and relating with the wound.  Once you have identified a breakdown or the sense that something is not quite right, start to feel into your body, into your emotional experience in order to develop a relationship to the sense of pain, to the sense of that something that is disowned, that hurts.  You might notice shame come up or anxiety.  Whatever the experience, just know that it is an entryway into the sacred wound.

Free Recording

Please download this Sacred Wound Meditation.  On it, you will be guided through a 10 minute recording that will connect you  and give you access to your unique and sacred wound.

 

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

The Sacred Wound: A Doorway to Your Genius

When you think of the word genius, what comes to mind? Who has it? Is it innate or is it developed? If it is innate why do some people have genius and others don’t? Is it that their genius is unexpressed? Do you have a genius that sometimes emerges and sometimes recedes? Why is that? Most of what we are taught about genius is that some people have it and some people do not. Those that have it have some mysterious quality or gift. Others say that each of us has a genius, and that if it isn’t nurtured we destroy it.

I say that each one of us has a genius within us. When we learn to tap into our genius, what emerges is effortless power, effortless self-expression, and effortless freedom. Our genius is that part of us that creates some sort of magic in the world. And we know it in those rare moments when we are writing if we are writers, acting if we are actors, having insights with friends, experiencing mystical experiences, and any other sorts of breakthroughs that we create in the world.

The sacred wound is the wound that each of us has.  No one is exempt.  We all have the experiences of trauma, from others, by the circumstances of life, and by ourselves to ourselves.  Mainly what we’re taught is how to master ourselves so that we don’t have to be with the trauma.  But we’re not really taught how to both enter into the trauma and, even more significantly, create from the trauma.  In order to create from any pain or any wounding, we actually first must relate with the wound, to feel it for a decent period of time, and to bring a quality of warmth or kindness to it.  It is in the healing of the pain that our genius can emerge.

Sacred Journey

The healing of the sacred wound requires something known as the sacred journey.  It is the journey we are all already on, but we don’t always hold our wounds with this kind of reverence, and as a result, the journey lacks a quality of reverence.  And when we don’t hold our sacred wound with a quality of reverence, when we hold it as something that needs to be overcome, we essentially push it away.  When we dishonor the wound, the world around us appears robotic, lonely, random, or, either mildly or very much a place of suffering.  In other words, the way we regard our wounding has a direct effect on how we see the world.

When we hold the wound as sacred, as the teacher, the priest, the father, the mother, the friend, the lover, then we begin a new, sacred journey with ourselves.  When we regard our suffering as good news, we don’t need to destroy it, to overcome it, we get to meet it.  And by meeting and relating with it, we get to deepen, widen, and expand to include more.  The wound calls us toward our evolution, and it is our evolution, our transformation that is the genius we bring into the world.

My Wound

I, personally, suffered a great deal as a young man when my brother committed suicide.  That’s one aspect to my wound.  And I can try to wish that wound away.  I can even ignore it for a few days, but, ultimately, my work is to transform it.  I know, now, that the most potent way to do that is to meet it with a sense of compassion for myself and my brother without disregarding the pain.  What I am speaking of is to feel the pain simultaneously to feeling the compassion.  By holding the two simultaneously, I can transform it.  And when I do,  the pain lessens a little bit, and a little bit more wisdom, depth, and connection occurs.

This process that follows is about creating a new relationship between you and your sacred wound.  In this new relationship, you will meet your wound anew.  And in so doing, discover your genius.  If you follow the entries over the next few weeks, you will learn how to slow down, listen to your wound patiently and compassionately, discover an access point to your growth, transformation, and genius.  Because just as your wound is your pain, it is also your access to the next stage of your journey.  It is your entryway, your portal to the other side.

The sacred wound is the wound that each of us has.  No one is exempt.  We all have the experiences of trauma, from others, by the circumstances of life, and by ourselves to ourselves.  Mainly what we’re taught is how to master ourselves so that we don’t have to be with the trauma.  But we’re not really taught how to both enter into the trauma and, even more significantly, create from the trauma.  In order to create from any pain or any wounding, we actually first must relate with the wound, to feel it for a decent period of time, and to bring a quality of warmth or kindness to it.  It is in the healing of the pain that our genius can emerge.

Transforming the Sacred Wound Series

This is one part in a nine-part series that explores ways to heal and transform your sacred wound. Be sure to check out the other posts!

Midlife Evolution, Not Midlife Crisis

Midlife Crisis? What Midlife Crisis?

Recently, I have become fascinated with the notion of the midlife crisis because I sense that I am crossing over some invisible mark. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a crisis as an "emotionally significant event or a radical change of status in a person's life." While I do sense some radical change afoot on a subtle level, it doesn't have the sense of angst that the word "crisis" implies. It feels more like a "midlife evolution," which is "a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development."

One way that I sense an evolution is that my wife, Melissa, and I are in a fascinating, new discussion about whether we will or will not have a child. When we first married three years ago, we were both adamant that kids were not for us. Neither of us felt the imperative that many of our friends did in their late 20s and early 30s to have a child. But, now, as we approach the middle of life, we can feel the stirrings of new life wanting to be created. Whether that means we will have children or we will create new things in the world is still to be seen. What's significant about this discussion is that it's not being driven by a need either to rebel against the system or acquiesce. Instead this inquiry is about searching deeply for our shared heartfelt desire. It's not about what's wanted (or, in the case of rebellion, not wanted ) "out there," but about what's wanted "in here."

Shifting from Outer Goals to Inner Purpose

For the first half of life, we all tend to take someone else's path. We develop a personality and identity that allows us to survive and succeed within relationships, family units, and society as a whole. I spent most of the first half of my life in school or learning various spiritual and healing practices in the East. Since my early thirties, I have been earning my chops in practice, as a yoga teacher, life coach, and acupuncturist.

But now, I sense that I am crossing over some invisible line. In a way, it's a line I have been aching to cross over. I finally am being recognized for my gifts and talents on a professional level. And while I am thrilled to finally start to have the impact I have been wanting to make for so many years, there's a part of me that wonders whether my work alone will completely satisfy me. In addition to my professional life growing in a positive direction, I also sense a deeper stirring within my spirit. I have always felt connected to spirituality, but now, more than ever, I feel called to connect to spirit.

Taking Stock at Midlife

Sometime in the middle of life, most of us wake up to the realization that in spite of the energy we've put into our careers, roles, and relationships, something else wants to find expression. For those who have already realized a dream, often times the question we ask, “Is this all I get? I thought that there would be more.” And when a person fails to realize the dream, it is a time to account for the never: “I suppose I will never be a millionaire or have children of my own.” Essentially it's a time to come to terms with the carrot we've all been chasing. But, in addition, we also feel called to something more. That something shows up in the form of a mystery or one big question mark.

When my clients are in the throes of "midlife evolution," we work to look deeper than the urges to quit a job, or leave a marriage or buy a Ferrari to uncover the deeper, heartfelt desires. I've worked with clients who are good husbands and fathers. They work hard, earn a good salary, and have provided a safe and beautiful home for his family. But while they love their children and wife, a part of them feels absolutely trapped by the conventions of marriage and family.

Midlife Choices: Self-Enlarging or Diminishing

People tend to take the urges that arise at this point, to find a secret lover or quit their jobs, at face value. The midlife evolution calls the meaning we have made of life into question. And when it does, we have a choice. That choice can be either enlarging or self-diminishing.

The second half of life is a very different one than the first half. And midlife is where the path shifts significantly. The maps that got us to where we are when we reach the middle of life no longer serve us the way they previously did. Previously, our orientation was towards outer world: goals, graduations, successes, wins. While this does not end in the middle of life, since most of us have household responsibilities that we need to tend to, we also notice that we are in a totally different period, a new form of adulthood.

Midlife as an Initiation into Mystery

And if we embrace this new form of adulthood, this second half of life, it has the possibility of enlarging self. Recently, I have been reading The Power of Myth, which is based on interviews that took place between the journalist, Bill Moyers, and the mythologist, Joseph Campbell, in the late-80s. Campbell essentially says that in the second half of life, our access to the deeper mysteries increases exponentially. The orientation of life in the first half is about forming the structures of success and survival. In the second half, it's more about the uncovering of the deeper meaning of life. In the second half of life, the doors of perception are cleansed, and we have access to this inquiry in a way that we hadn't in the first half.

It's my hunch that this is the deeper purpose behind the "midlife evolution." This period marks that transition. And the point is not to lead us back into adolescent strivings but to guide us into having access to the deeper mystery called life.

What's missing for all of us is the honoring of this transition. We have no ritual, no myth, nothing that recognizes this evolutionary leap we go through at this stage. Instead of saying that this is a time we get to deepen and become wiser, we tend to just want to cover our heads in the sheets and say, "I'm forty, and I feel old." While nothing dramatic like that has happened to me, I get hits of this. I was recently teaching a workshop for several 20-year-olds, and I was noticing that I was the only guy with gray hair there. Now, I don't mind my grays, but I just found it weird that I wasn't young anymore. It's subtle, but I am paying attention, and what I am noticing is that there really is no dialogue in our culture about this transition.

Learning from Midlife Crisis

Midlife crisis can be a big wake up call to those of us who are asleep. But what about those of us who strive to be awake? What about those of us who are watching this transition taking place and don't have a forum or a language that can help us meet, embrace, and learn from what's occurring? I am not sure I know what the answer is. I tried linking it back to the four stages of life described within Hindu culture, but this transition really isn't recognized. The same is true of Shakespeare's seven stages of life. It makes me wonder, whether this transition is a modern phenomena rather than a historical one.

In any event, it's my sense that those of us who strive to be awake are looking for a sort of honoring of this transition, and it starts with a dialogue, a dialogue that enters us into the deeper meaning of our lives and, ultimately, our purpose on this planet.

Ashtanga Yoga: Do Your Practice and All is Coming

This morning, as I was coming home from yoga practice, I came across this beautiful lotus in the picture. It seemed to me that it was saying, "Yes!!!" In spite of the muck of life from which it grows, this lotus wanted to spread itself wide open, to blossom in all of its fullness. In Hindu and Buddhist symbolism the lotus represents purity of body, speech and mind because it emerges from the muddy waters of attachment and desire from where it was born. This isn't very different from the "Yes" that we Ashtangis say each morning on our mats. We're saying, "Yes" in spite of the fact that we may feel like shit; in spite of the fact that we may be shut down; in spite of the fact that we would rather be nestled in bed. But what we're saying, "Yes" to is the transformation of those stuck, shitty, shut-down places. We're saying, "Yes" to life.

A Mirror for Ourselves

It takes incredible determination and courage to show up in practice on a day-in-day-out basis. Ashtanga Yoga is a mirror. Because we practice the same sequences of postures--more or less--each day, it's easy to see misalignments both physically and emotionally.  

Yesterday, I had had a disagreement with a vendor I buy supplies from, and I was pretty pissed last night, but I felt pretty clear when I went to sleep. However as soon as I was into the second surya namaskar this morning, I could feel myself fuming, again. And while I tried to ignore, overcome or distract myself from the irritation, I couldn't help but just keep spinning stories of vengeance the whole time. I can't say that I handled the anger with what the Buddhists call "skillful means," but that's what the practice can do. It puts you face-to-face with your stuff, whether you're ready to acknowledge it or not.

And those are the moments when you are really learning the deeper aspects of practice, those moment when you're caught in guilt, anger, grief, or any other powerful emotion that just triggers self-loathing or that comparison game we do.  You know the game,"She's better than I am." "I am more flexible than her." "I wish my butt was less flabby." That whole conversation is an invitation to look deeper, not at the content but at the underlying emotion that's running it.  

Yesterday a dedicated student of mine was complaining in class because, in spite of the fact that he'd been working on his backbend for several years, it lacked the mobility he thought was required of a practitioner of his status. The big learning for him was not having a physical breakthrough but in the recognition that what drove the need for a breakthrough was an underlying, anxiety that didn't just pertain to his backbend but to all aspects of his life.  Now that we've uncovered the anxiety, he can start to work with that rather than the need to "beat it" with a better backbend.

Showing Up in Spite of . . .

The "Yes" that I am speaking of is that in spite of all the bad news we see on 24 hour news channels, the onslaught of information coming our way through the Internet, the bills to pay, the loneliness and isolation we face, we still show up.

Like the lotus, when we step on the mat, we're saying, "Yes, I want to blossom. I could just watch TV or sleep a few more hours. I could give in to inertia or the anxiety or sadness or boredom, but I know that I am more than this. And these feelings are fodder for a breakthrough."

Do Your Practice, All Is Coming

Showing up is a stand for transformation. Through practice, we meet those stuck, tender, painful, and often lonely places within our being that we typically try to avoid. We run away in hot pursuit of things that we think will make us feel better, like sex, money, or the perfect partner.

Instead of the practice being about the performance of beautiful acrobatics—which, by the way, Cirque du Soleil does so much better—it's really about meeting our painful places with warmth, kindness, and compassion. It's through this courageous and loving act that we transform that which is stuck.

I'm often asked how long it took me to "be with" the painful things without turning away or distracting myself. Admittedly, there are lots of places I am still struggling to acknowledge in myself. As you read above, I am not particularly masterful with some forms of anger, but then if I look at my capacity to hold feelings of grief or boredom, I can say that I have gotten so much better.

Essentially, all practices cultivate our capacity to stay and be with whatever shows up. That staying really is about staying in relationship to yourself as distinct from the suffering that's showing up. In addition, the staying is about creating a relationship to the suffering. It's a relationship of your choice. If you want to be pissed off that you feel pain, then you get to be pissed off. If you want to see the pain as the key to your awakening, then you get to choose that. My experience is that the more empowering the relationship you create, the more you say, "Yes" to that which you are staying with, the more possibility there is for a breakthrough.

To give you an example, a student at Mission Ashtanga, where I teach Mysore three mornings a week, was promoted to a huge project in her corporate job that required that she create coordinated communication throughout the company. The project was stalled for one year, which left her feeling guilty and irresponsible. Behind the self-criticism, a feeling of unworthiness was driving her. For a year, she practiced primary series, and her intention was to untangle the self-criticism and to meet the underlying feeling with warmth, compassion, and kindness. About a month ago, she mentioned to me that the sense of unworthiness was waning, and the project had just begun flowing with ease.

Ashtanga Yoga is a lifelong practice. Those tender places cannot be repaired in a day or a few years. What I can say with certainty from first hand experience is that slowly, slowly all things are healed through the cauldron of practice. The bottom line, though, is that this transformation needs a "Yes!!!" from us. All we need to do is show up, do the practice and stay awake.  As Pattabhi Jois used to say, "Do your practice and all is coming."  Say, "Yes" and the practice will do the rest.

My Ashtanga Yoga Practice Was Boring Today

That's right. You read the title. Because I am an Ashtanga yoga teacher, I should ALWAYS be inspired by my practice and all things yoga. I'm not. At least today I am not. In fact, I had a very boring practice today. I tried to be inspired, to be excited to roll out of bed at 5am this morning, to throw down my mat at the studio and have an expansive, mindful, breath-full practice. But I did not. And somehow, I don't feel like I am alone. I think lots and lots of us have boring practices, but we don't admit it, at least not until we quit the practice. And that's why I am writing this blog today. I am writing because I am sharing the fact that it doesn't freak me out or make me want to quit because I am bored. Boredom is normal. It's something that shows up in any commitment we have. There are lots of things that we do for awhile, get bored, and then move on. And then there are things that we try to convince ourselves aren't so boring, but end up quitting anyway. And then there are those things that bring boredom, but we stick with them. This is the essence of what commitment is to me. I have this crazy commitment to my Ashtanga yoga practice. It's crazy because I will endure good times and shit times. This practice is central to who I am. It's an integral part of my life. I was telling a friend today that my practice is my other wife. I am committed to both for the rest of my life. My practice probably won't look the same when I am 90 years old, nevertheless, it will be part of who I am.

And when it comes to a partner that you love dearly and one that has given boundlessly to you, you don't just up and go when times get rough. You stay. And you stay. And you stay. And you stay. But it's not like the staying that occurs when you're eating shitty food just to be nice to the host. There is a quality in which you continually search for and reach for the connection.

When my wife Melissa, and I are out of whack, I may initially shut down but at some point, I start to try a bunch of stuff to reconnect with her: communication techniques I've learned, cooking her a yummy meal, or, yes, doing the laundry. I will keep trying stuff until we reconnect. Often times, it takes giving something up, like admitting my fault in something or owning up to something. Sometimes it requires that she does that. Either way, I am committed to staying in relationship with Melissa. Whatever it takes, I am going to make it happen. And when it doesn't happen, I am not like, "Screw her. I am out of here." Instead, I just know that this shows up in marriage and this is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I suppose the same is true for my practice.  It's not like I'm just going to say, "Screw the practice. I'm bored. I am going to Anusara class from now on." I may go to an Anusara to get some inspiration, but I am not going to all of a sudden become an Anusara devotee. My primary yoga relationship is to Ashtanga. So when boredom shows up, it's an opportunity to scratch my head and say, "Wow, here's boredom.  I get to look at boredom." Instead of seeing boredom as this sign that my practice is all wrong for me, I get to just notice the boredom.

Boredom doesn't mean anything. I could make the boredom I experienced today mean that the practice is boring or that there is something wrong with me that I need to fix. I guess when you've been bored before, like I have in my 20 years of practice, it's not incredibly worrisome. I know that at some point, something will come along and I will be chugging again with excitement. I also have this intuitive sense that the boredom is giving me access to know myself in a new way. It's not like I am just going to wait until the boredom goes. I'm going to keep trying stuff, keep reading, keep looking for something to inject into my practice or take away. I will actively pursue an entrance into relating to my practice in a way that enlivens and excites me. So I actively pursue change while passively knowing that at some point change will come. It always does.

If there's one thing we can expect, it's change. That's inevitable. So you can be sure that when your practice is boring like mine was today, at some point, it won't be. And if you're loving practice today, at some point you will be ambivalent about it. It tests our mettle in terms of our commitments and it causes us to grow. In short, it's my hunch that boredom is a good thing and an opportunity for another breakthrough in my relationship with my second wife, but don't tell Melissa because instead of dealing with boredom, I will have to face jealousy.

The One Minute Meditation

A client of mine just forwarded this one minute meditation off to me designed by Elena Brower .  What I love about it is that it quickly tune you in, opens your heart and quiets the mind. Instructions

  1. As you finish reading this sentence, take a few healing breaths
  2. Smile
  3. Soften your eyes
  4. Imagine feel your heart to be as big, as alive, as open and as receptive as your brain.
  5. Stay with this opening for one minute.
  6. Feel how much softer it is in your heart now?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it

Bring this open, soft state of the heart-mind, no matter what the context, no matter how vexing or crazy it seems in front of you.

I dare you.